Fifty Shades of "Laters, Baby"

Today, after a rousting bout of kayaking on a local lake and having a lovely battle with the wind and currents, I went to see Fifty Shades of Grey with some friends (all female, mind you).

Prior to the film, we met for lunch.  I drank a bit too much.  Apparently, I can be a cheap date.  I get pretty tipsy after 1.5 pints of IPA.  I impressed myself.  Glad I didn't drool or snooze through the film.  Although, I did have to run out for a potty break, and, of course, miss a nice sex scene.  *sigh*

Now, to discuss the film, book and various perceptions of the story in general.

Opinions are like assholes: The majority of the human population has at least one.  I am not ashamed to admit I have the entire trilogy of books.  I read every one.  I read the first one twice.  I even took a break while reading it to, well, entertain myself.  Yup.  I said it.  So what?  That is the purpose of the first book.  Let's keep in mind, the series is the invention of the author, just like most works of fiction.  Let's say that again, F-I-C-T-I-O-N.  Not only fiction, but in the smutty romance genre.  I have read FAR WORSE smutty fiction.  FAR MORE humiliating, violent, demeaning and disturbing smut fiction.  Why is such a raucous being made about this particular series?  Because it is popular.  It has reached mass marketing of mass marketing.

Now, I must admit, from my perspective, the book series got gradually worse (e.g. more boring), the more mainstream the relationship between the man and woman became.  The more the story line began to emphasize marriage and children, I lost interest.  Why?  Because I have no interest in either of those things.  I do not aspire to meet a man, fall madly in love, sign over the rest of my life and financials and pop out a few dumplings.  Nope.  Not for me.  Not a single fantasy of mine has involved any of those things.

What did I like about the first book?  Sex, of course.  Lots of it.  With a man depicted as a great googgly moogly Adonis.  Not to mention being filthy rich and seeming to have a fairly decent choice in vehicles.  Although, if we're honest with each other, I'd be more interested if he had a Bolwer Wildcat and went on rally runs rather than gliding.  Or if he drove an Aston Martin V12 Vanquish rather than an Audi R8.  But, let's face it, I'm not your standard "female reader."  I pay attention to those details.  Not the height of her heels or brand of her dress and purse.  Seriously?  Who gives a fuck?  They're clothes.  BOOOOOOORING.

I do like the following quote from the book:

“Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. Perhaps I've spent too long in the company of my literary romantic heroes, and consequently my ideals and expectations are far too high.” 

Hannibal response- I'm not an overly romantic gal.  I would like to have some in my life.  But I believe my thorough lack of finding a person to be romantic with, much less letting a penis get near my vagina, is due to my high level of expectation.  I have been single for so long that the idea of not being single is strange to me.  I am not against it.  Nope.  Not at all.  I have been single for so long, I'm not even sure what a penis looks like any more.  Sad.  Very sad.  Reason?  The owner of a penis must meet a rigorous set of guidelines in order to be exposed to me and thus be used by and for me.  So far, 95% of men I meet fall far short of those guidelines.  Therefore, no penis for this vag.  And this makes me incredibly sad (and fucking frustrated as shit....but we can save that for another blog post).  Therefore, reading books and watching a film called Fifty Shades of Grey, I find to be entertaining.  If I cannot have sex (due to the frightfully disappointing shortage of available men who are not crazy, have a full time job and are not intimidated by me), I might as well be entertained by reading and watching it.

And now, to end this post with things that make me wet and happy.  Mmmm, yes, more...more...MORE!

Fucking beautiful face.  I could gaze into that color for hours.  Thank you LR Defender for being such a work of art.  Look at that stance.  Imagine those 3-way adjustable Donerre dampers moving up and down, up and down, faster and slower as it moves over the uneven terrain.  Such a smooth dampened ride...

Dat backside.  Mmmmm, yeah, look at it.  So packed in there.  And look at that departure angle.  *heavy breathing*  Jey-zuz!

I just want to run my hands all over that body.  Look how smooth it is.  My eyes are just drawn to it.  I can hardly control myself.  I want to hear the sweet rumble of the 510hp 5.0 V8 supercharged engine from that Kazakh piece of machinery.  I want to feel the vibrations of each piece of the Sadev 6-speed sequential gear box fitted with a reduction gear working together.  Mmmm, yes.  I want all of it.

***And, to give credit where it is due, the photos of object of my affection is the Dakar Rally rig for Kazakhstan. --> See, no abuse here!

“He grabs me suddenly and yanks me up against him, one hand at my back holding me to him and the other fisting in my hair.

"You're one challenging woman," He kisses me, forcing my lips apart with his tongue, taking no prisoners. 

"It's taking all my self-control not to fuck you on the hood of this car, just to show you that you're mine, and if I want to buy you a fucking car, I'll buy you a fucking car," he growls.” 

Ok, now I need to find a man who is like that described above who wants to do that with me on the vehicle shown above. :-D  (titter teehee)