It's snowing!

Here I am up in Robie Creek dog/house-sitting.  Just as I do every year for Thanksgiving time.  I thoroughly enjoy this.  Staying here up in the mountains.  And it is snowing!  I love snow and there is something magical about heavy soft accumulating snowfall.  It makes me feel at peace, inside and out.

This is the first year in many that I can recall that I had to work on Thanksgiving.  Generally, working on holidays does not bother me much.  I do not visit my family or have one of my own (via blood/marriage) in this area.  So missing a holiday for work is like any other day for me.  Except Thanksgiving.  I have a tradition.  I take the dogs out for a nice hike that overlooks Boise, coffee in hand, then hang out with dogs at home.  Clean home.  Go for another hike.  Then go over to a friend's house up here in Robie for dinner.  It is a tradition that I enjoy.  And this year, even now, after the holiday is over, I am frustrated by my lack of doing that.  Yes, I could have taken the day off, but then I would miss the benefits of the holiday.

Even now, almost five months after my work schedule was changed on me, I get irritated when I think about it.  I am still frustrated by the entire situation.  I know it is what it is.  I cannot change it.  Believe me, I have tried and there were severe consequences.  I can slough off a lot, but somehow I am not able to slough it off.  I was doing well, until I missed Thanksgiving.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, mine was not typical.  I worked the entire day.  A friend stopped by and dropped off food for me, as well as spare food to last me another meal.  I cannot even begin to express how thankful I am to her for bringing that food to me.  I did not bring any food to work.  So I was getting hangry.  Very hangry.  I do not live in my jurisdiction, so going home to eat, was not an option.  By the time I got home, it was dark and I was tired.  I needed to save the extra food for work the next day.  So I made a turkey patty with cheese and avocado.  Yup.  That was my Thanksgiving.  Today, Sunday, I got leftovers from two other neighbors up here that I visited.  That, my friends, is the spirit of Thanksgiving.  My envy at seeing everyone's Thanksgiving Day meals and all their leftovers posted all over social media has dulled.  I am better than that.  But I am also human and prone to human emotions, including undesirable ones like petty envy.

I am currently re-watching House of Cards.  The first time I watched it, I enjoyed it.  Now I am having a hard time tolerating it.  Watching the brutality of humanity.  I am tired of it.  I know the general idea of Paradise here on earth is non-existent.  My Paradise is hiking in the mountains without any sign of humanity in sight.  Why can't the world be a happier place?  Be more at peace with itself?  Although, I wholly admit, I have a girl crush on Robin Wright.  Fucking amazing actress.

But back to happiness.  I have been working very hard on myself, especially since August.  And I think I have made great strides.  I also have set goals.  There are many frustrations that I have encountered and continue to encounter.  Some of those things, I do not have control over.  But I do have control of myself.  And how I react.  I remind myself of that constantly.  Every day is a new day.  And every day I have choices.  Sometimes they are the wise and/or correct ones.  Sometimes they suck and are the poorer ones.  The important part is the takeaway from them.  Am I constantly making the same errors, or am I learning?  Mostly learning.  Sometimes fucking up.  One of the hardest things I had to overcome was my feeling of lack of value at my work place.  The feeling of being worthless.  The part that helped me the most?  I know I have value as a leader and respected by others in every other aspect of my life: my volunteer work, my other jobs, my friends, my community, etc.  So maybe it is not me and my lack of value but other factors at play at my work place.  And once again, I have no control over that.  I have control of myself.  So when I tell myself I have value and I am a leader, I know this to be true.  And that makes me happy.  Being the overachiever I am, I also read a few books, listened to some books on tape and watched speakers/TED talks.  They helped:

• Extreme Ownership, Jocko Willink and Leif Babin
• Dare to Lead, Brene Brown
• The Gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown
• The Call to Courage (Netflix), Brene Brown
• Men Explain Things to Me, Rebecca Solnit

You know what has helped me greatly over these last few months?  When I questioned my value.  My life decisions.  My self esteem as my weight began to increase.  When all the months of hard work of eating right and working out began to wear away.  I worked on a chainsaw.  Every week I went out and cut trees.  I'd buck and limb them.  Sometimes it was overwhelming looking at all the work that needed to be done to finish the task.  Sometimes it was frustrating that my mind would not clear and I could not find my zen.  Sometimes it was beautiful to stand back and see the work that I accomplished.  This was my place.  My task.  My project.  Sometimes other would come help.  But the goal was the same- cut trees, clear the area.  This was mine.  Granted, not my land, and sometimes, not my saw.  But I saw it as mine.  This was something tangible that I could look at, see a vision, work on and improve.  And my pride in my work grew.  In all honesty, I usually enjoyed working by myself, with the occasional homeowner assistance, but my zen zone was just me.  The saw.  The tree.  And thinking it through.  That farm has kept me sane and contributed to my happiness.  When I think of my future here in this area, it includes the farm.  Maybe someday I will have my tiny home and one-ton diesel truck to move it and transport my saw collection from site to site.  Someday I will work the land.  Away from the dregs of humanity.  Away from the criminal justice system.  And be in my zen zone.

 

Another Op, another Void

It has been far too long since I last posted on here.  I'm not sorry for it.

 

I felt the need to put into words what I feel.  But first, a prologue.  This post is related to the one I posted after my return from Op Hard Hustle, with my most favourite group of volunteers, Team Rubicon.

It has been almost 3 weeks since I returned from my latest deployment, Op Kickback.  And I noticed that my recovery from this Op is similar in many ways, but also very different.

I suppose I am taking a risk in putting these words here.  Who will read them?  Will there be repercussions?  Judgement?  I do not know.  What I do know is that I need to sort through my current thoughts.

I will not talk about the Op other than it was wonderful and amazing and I had such a fantastic experience and met people I truly love and care for.  People that accepted me for me.  The foul-mouthed, dirty-minded, crass asshole that I am.  I did not have to hide any part of who I am.  I was among family.  People that were not put off by me.  People that could rise to the challenge and stand up to me.  People mentally and physically strong enough to be my friends and worthy of being called family.  

And then I come home.  Coming home is often the hard part.  To go from the high of being with people you like and care about.  Doing something selflessly.  The constant excitement.  Every day is a different and new day.  Another day spent with friends.  Another day learning and exacting a new skill.  My newly(ish) skills are working with chainsaws.  Boy howdy!  I have found my new passion  Truly.  I have plans.  A future.  And it involves sawyer shit.  Manual labor.  Outdoors.

Post deployment blues.  They are a real thing.  Granted, nothing like a service-member's months, if not years, long deployment.  But it is still a thing.  And, unfortunately, I am stuck in it.  Fuck.  I admittedly did not really understand Depression much.  I mean, life is a beautiful thing.  Why be sad about it?  I know it is real and a mental illness and so much more than merely being sad.  I just never really experienced it before.  Till now.  I think.

After every deployment I have had, I felt that void of being alone and being back in my mundane life.  That is normal.  But this void?  Fuck dude.  I cannot shake it.  This is getting to be ridiculous.  I never knew this level of alone ever existed.  Shit.  It is like standing in a crowd, surrounded by people moving all around you, yet you do not feel like you exist.  The crowd keeps moving around you, like a river flowing around a rock.  Sometimes you are fine.  Sometimes this feeling of utter despair washes over you.  The meaning of your existence comes into question.  Now, do not confuse this with suicidal ideations.  That is not what I am talking about.  I am talking about the course your life has taken.  Is going.  And why?  Why continue down that path?  Was it the right path?  What if it was the wrong path?  How do you correct your course?  What if you are lost?  Where do you get help to correct the course?  Do you stand and wait or take action? And so on and so forth.  I love life and plan to continue it for a long time.  My life has simply hit a foggy patch and I have no light or guidance to get out of it.

I should mention that upon me arriving home, I went to work literally 12h later.  Received news at work that big things were happening and changing that directly impacted me.  And received more news that a close friend of mine had been in crisis and is happily still here with us.  But I was not there to help that friend.  I felt that inescapable feeling of failure.  Failure to help my friend.  Failure to be a good friend.  Failure to be the kind of friend that I prided myself on being.  So, now not only was I feeling utterly and despondently alone, I was having an existential crisis as to the direction my life was going in terms of my career and now I am a failure as a friend.  Yup.  A pretty great trifecta.

Oh, and did I mention the completely and utterly feeling of being alone in the world?  Back in a world with no intimate human contact.  Back in a world of being single.  Back in a world of using my filter.  Covering up who I am.  Somehow this time, this deployment, I cannot shake these feelings.

I have gone out and done things I enjoy.  But they feel lackluster.  I have set goals.  I have set a budget to get on track of my life goals.  I have researched things pertaining to life goals.  I have applied to TR leadership.  I have attended TR events.  I have made travel plans to see important people.  I have reached out to people, but cannot seem to tell them how I truly feel.  Instead, I tell them I am fine.  Or vent briefly, but barely scrape the surface.  Feelings are weakness, right?  Crying?  Oh hell no.  I am me.  A strong, salty asshole.  I hide those things.  I use tough words and bravado.  Not cry.  Not sit and stare aimlessly.  I sometimes just sit and cry by myself.  I find myself resenting people around me.  I have friends here, at home.  Yet I feel bitterly alone.  I am moody.  Grumpy.  And this is not what I want.  I want to feel whole.  Fuck dude.  This sucks.  

My new supervisor and I had a good discussion.  In that session I was told that I am in control of my happiness.  And this is true.  And I remind myself of it multiple times a day.  I have a plan of action.  And part of that plan is admitting I need help.  At this point, I am past the point of helping myself successfully.  I think to my future and it scares me.  The unknown.  When you have done something for so long.  You define yourself by it.  The order of it.  The known and knowledge of it.  What if you chose wrong?  What if it was a different path you were to take?  Is it better to be safe and stay on the path or veer off and try a different one, even if that means complete redefinition of self?

And to answer your questions, yes, I will be fine.  This is another stage in life.  It, too, will be overcome.  Or absorbed.  Another experience in my life.  One I will learn from.  But for now. I keep the void at bay.  In my bubble of loneliness.  Sometimes that bubble pops.  And the void creeps in.  I have a plan.  I am working hard to keep on track of it.  The goal is set.  I will strive for it.  Till then, a lot more hard work and (potential) unhappiness will occur.  But keeping the void at bay.  That is the true challenge.  I will see my TR friends again.  We will attempt to keep in contact.  Maybe I may even tell them about the void.  Probably not.  But hearing their voices and reading their words helps.  I'm not done yet.  I have so many plans for TR.  So many goals.  And dammit, I will accomplish them.  I will set those goals and smash them.  And repeat.  Over and over.  I find setting and going for those goals help keep the void at bay.  Must stay busy.

/end rant