Here I am up in Robie Creek dog/house-sitting. Just as I do every year for Thanksgiving time. I thoroughly enjoy this. Staying here up in the mountains. And it is snowing! I love snow and there is something magical about heavy soft accumulating snowfall. It makes me feel at peace, inside and out.
This is the first year in many that I can recall that I had to work on Thanksgiving. Generally, working on holidays does not bother me much. I do not visit my family or have one of my own (via blood/marriage) in this area. So missing a holiday for work is like any other day for me. Except Thanksgiving. I have a tradition. I take the dogs out for a nice hike that overlooks Boise, coffee in hand, then hang out with dogs at home. Clean home. Go for another hike. Then go over to a friend's house up here in Robie for dinner. It is a tradition that I enjoy. And this year, even now, after the holiday is over, I am frustrated by my lack of doing that. Yes, I could have taken the day off, but then I would miss the benefits of the holiday.
Even now, almost five months after my work schedule was changed on me, I get irritated when I think about it. I am still frustrated by the entire situation. I know it is what it is. I cannot change it. Believe me, I have tried and there were severe consequences. I can slough off a lot, but somehow I am not able to slough it off. I was doing well, until I missed Thanksgiving.
Speaking of Thanksgiving, mine was not typical. I worked the entire day. A friend stopped by and dropped off food for me, as well as spare food to last me another meal. I cannot even begin to express how thankful I am to her for bringing that food to me. I did not bring any food to work. So I was getting hangry. Very hangry. I do not live in my jurisdiction, so going home to eat, was not an option. By the time I got home, it was dark and I was tired. I needed to save the extra food for work the next day. So I made a turkey patty with cheese and avocado. Yup. That was my Thanksgiving. Today, Sunday, I got leftovers from two other neighbors up here that I visited. That, my friends, is the spirit of Thanksgiving. My envy at seeing everyone's Thanksgiving Day meals and all their leftovers posted all over social media has dulled. I am better than that. But I am also human and prone to human emotions, including undesirable ones like petty envy.
I am currently re-watching House of Cards. The first time I watched it, I enjoyed it. Now I am having a hard time tolerating it. Watching the brutality of humanity. I am tired of it. I know the general idea of Paradise here on earth is non-existent. My Paradise is hiking in the mountains without any sign of humanity in sight. Why can't the world be a happier place? Be more at peace with itself? Although, I wholly admit, I have a girl crush on Robin Wright. Fucking amazing actress.
But back to happiness. I have been working very hard on myself, especially since August. And I think I have made great strides. I also have set goals. There are many frustrations that I have encountered and continue to encounter. Some of those things, I do not have control over. But I do have control of myself. And how I react. I remind myself of that constantly. Every day is a new day. And every day I have choices. Sometimes they are the wise and/or correct ones. Sometimes they suck and are the poorer ones. The important part is the takeaway from them. Am I constantly making the same errors, or am I learning? Mostly learning. Sometimes fucking up. One of the hardest things I had to overcome was my feeling of lack of value at my work place. The feeling of being worthless. The part that helped me the most? I know I have value as a leader and respected by others in every other aspect of my life: my volunteer work, my other jobs, my friends, my community, etc. So maybe it is not me and my lack of value but other factors at play at my work place. And once again, I have no control over that. I have control of myself. So when I tell myself I have value and I am a leader, I know this to be true. And that makes me happy. Being the overachiever I am, I also read a few books, listened to some books on tape and watched speakers/TED talks. They helped:
- Extreme Ownership, Jocko Willink and Leif Babin
- Dare to Lead, Brene Brown
- The Gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown
- The Call to Courage (Netflix), Brene Brown
- Men Explain Things to Me, Rebecca Solnit
You know what has helped me greatly over these last few months? When I questioned my value. My life decisions. My self esteem as my weight began to increase. When all the months of hard work of eating right and working out began to wear away. I worked on a chainsaw. Every week I went out and cut trees. I'd buck and limb them. Sometimes it was overwhelming looking at all the work that needed to be done to finish the task. Sometimes it was frustrating that my mind would not clear and I could not find my zen. Sometimes it was beautiful to stand back and see the work that I accomplished. This was my place. My task. My project. Sometimes other would come help. But the goal was the same- cut trees, clear the area. This was mine. Granted, not my land, and sometimes, not my saw. But I saw it as mine. This was something tangible that I could look at, see a vision, work on and improve. And my pride in my work grew. In all honesty, I usually enjoyed working by myself, with the occasional homeowner assistance, but my zen zone was just me. The saw. The tree. And thinking it through. That farm has kept me sane and contributed to my happiness. When I think of my future here in this area, it includes the farm. Maybe someday I will have my tiny home and one-ton diesel truck to move it and transport my saw collection from site to site. Someday I will work the land. Away from the dregs of humanity. Away from the criminal justice system. And be in my zen zone.
