Goals, Dreams and Life

Today at work I cried.  I sat in my truck and tears rolled down my cheeks.  I find it hard to accept crying as an expression of emotion and communication.  I tend to revert to the thought process that crying is weak.  That "girls" do it.  Yes, "girls".  Shameful thought, I know and one I continuously work on.  But I cried.  No sound.  Just tears.  Wallowing in my unappreciated self.  Hoping no one notices.

Let me back up.  I love what I do.  I enjoy helping others.  Knowing I am making a positive difference in the world.  I want to also emphasize that I love my life.  I am mostly happy with it most of the time.  And would never consider self harm.  I am not prone to depression or living in a victim story or embracing negativity in my life.  I love myself.  I think I am an amazing person.  I work hard to lift myself up and maintain a positive outlook on life.  And I usually accomplish this...unless I am at my primary job.

Somehow, over the years, things have changed.  As they do over time.  I used to feel as if I was a part of something.  As if I belonged.  And appreciated.  Albeit, the expression of appreciation was not overly common, but it was there in action and sense of belonging.  The sense of belonging made me feel so good about myself, about my work and about where I worked.  It helped carry me through the times that were less stellar.  Times that were rough.

That has changed.  I do not feel like I am a part of the "family", but instead an outsider.  My department has always been the black sheep.  We know this.  Everyone else knows this.  But it was a tolerated black sheep that served a purpose and was listened to.  Now I feel like this black sheep is almost resented.  Sharp harsh words are directed our way.  Words and actions of affirmation have gone away.  Looks of...disdain?  reluctance?  frustration? now precede my presence.  It is most certainly felt by the black sheep.  Things have changed.  I feel that I am now a burden and tolerated.  And it hurts.  How do you work hard and persevere when your work is seen as tolerated?  When your voice is no longer heard nor desired to be heard?  When the work you do is undermined, questioned, not understood and continues to heap up with no end or help in sight?  When you then become the scapegoat.  The "you should be happy you simply have a job" person.  The "no one would miss you if you were gone and don't expect help from us" person.  *sigh*

I love what I do.  I make a difference in the world.  I just missing feeling like I mean something at my job.

I spend a lot of time in my fantasy world of future goals.  Planning.  Organising.  Hoping.  Wishing.  I work two jobs to make ends meet.  Which means I work many hours in a week and am often tired.  My health has suffered as a result of this.  I have gained weight.  Lost definition.  Was lost for a while myself.  I am working to change that.  My life is becoming more organised.  Planned.  In control.  My social life has utterly disappeared, but now I have a plan to be healthier.  Gain back what I have lost.  Someday, I will have time for myself.  Until then, I work hard to get as much out of debt and achieve my goals as possible.

Wanna know my goal?  I want to live on wheels.  Be off grid as much as possible.  Debt free.  A nomad.  I want nothing to hold me down to a place.  Free to come and go as I please.

The base for my home on wheels?  LMTV 4x4.  Currently they come in the M1078 (truck bed) and M1079 (cargo box end).  I had the pleasure of driving the M1078 that a friend of mine owns.  I fell in love with it.  Cab over design military vehicle that you can get for cheap on government auction sites.  The more I research them, the more I realise purchasing a vehicle that has been refurbished may be a better idea for me.  Sourcing parts, people to work on the vehicle and my general lack of mechanical knowledge puts me at a disadvantage.  I have been doing research on the vehicles and found the various resources:

Wiki article on LMTVs

Blue lmtv build on ExPo --> now at Grigsby trucks (Bend, OR) --> original build webpage
LMTV Expedition Build page
Another build page on ExPo
Brutus: Overland Bound, Adventure Driven page
Trucky McTruckface build page on Expo --> for sale page
Outside Magazine article on M1079 camper build
Steel Soldiers forum on LMTV/FMTVs
Detailed rebuild page of an LTMV --> for sale page
BlissMobil build page

FMTV sales (Belgrade, MT)

Acela trucks (totally refurbished LMTVs) (Belgrade, MT)
Midwest Military Equipment (Washington, MO)

Camper build ideas for LMTV on ExPo
Camper builder options
Global Expedition Vehicles- LMTV camper box
Total Composites ($2,000 up front reservation fee toward entry level $10,000 build)
Selecting the off road camper base

I inquired to both Grigsby and Acela.  Here is Grigsby's answer to the blue LMTV:

Mel,

Good morning! Sorry for the delay, high demand on trucks right now and busy in the shop so we overlooked your email:

1. Cost of Blue Truck - $57,000 as-is, $65,000 with high-speed-gears, rear locker and new-old-stock Goodyear MVT tires for higher speed rating. We have not added an A/C unit to the cab but we can definitely do that.

2. Addressing common troubleshooting points like oil leaks: We upgrade key lines known for issue, such as the high pressure oil line which is prone to leak and disconnect.

3. In addition to the blue truck, we have multiple 4x4 stock trucks available for recondition, along with a 6x6. We have a standard reconditioning process for these trucks. Some example pricing starting with a stock 4x4 we source: 

- With Mechanical, Electrical, Chassis and Operations (MECO) Inspection, Mechanical Reconditioning, GTC Standard Mechanical Upgrades and Service, (5) New-Old Stock Goodyear MVT Tires - $40,000

- Add highway gearing plus one rear locker for $7,000 *Note - gears are in short supply, if you want a truck with them that option may or may not be around. We have a very limited supply.

- Add Cabin A/C for approximately $6,000 

- Add Sound deadening, thermal barrier, and vibration dampening to cab approximately $3,000

- Body work, paint, interior cab upgrades, and chassis accessories are all custom work priced as time and material. 

We are not doing habitation boxes in our shop but we can work with any of the manufacturers that are outfitting trucks and point you in their direction if you decide to work with us. Prices on habitation boxes range from approximately $35,000 for a DIY panel kit, to $80,000 for a custom pre-made box, to $200-800,000 from premium and highly custom manufacturers. The timeline on these camper options is subject to the demand on various manufacturers. Basically, the more expensive the box, the farther out the timeline for completion. We are seeing ranges from 9 months to 15 months that clients are waiting in cue after down payment for a box delivery.   

Estimates are variable and change slightly with adjustments in parts supply and stock truck pricing. We can get a truck in the queue within 2-4 weeks after receipt of order (ARO). So if we started a truck for you on October 1st, we would push to have it complete by May 1st if we are running on a 30 week project schedule. All Grigsby Truck Company build specifications are executed using a Master Service Agreement (MSA) paired with Scopes of Work (SOWs) for each build phase, both of which must be signed off on by the customer to lock in any pricing. 

Look forward to continuing the conversation on this project. 

Best Regards,

Lauren Grigsby

Grigsby Truck Company

541.306.6140

lauren@grigsbytrucks.com

Acela sent me some brochures (which were very helpful) and answered some questions of mine.  The 4x4 Monterra starts at $95,000 and goes up depending on what I want added to it.  I could not attach the price list since it is a pdf.  Here arew screen shots of the pricing brochure:

180906

If I went basic LMTV M1078, I prefer the A0 engine versus the A1 engine (1999 and later models).  Here is a detailed description of the differences of the various models: A0 vs A1 variants.

Goals.  Thus I am between Acela, FMTV sales and Grigsby.  And it looks like around $100,000 to $150,000.  Yowch.  Life goals are not easy to come by.  Someday.  It may take time.  First things first.  Get the truck.  Add a camper bare bones.  Then retrofit it over time.  Just gotta get the four season camper box so life is not utterly miserable when slept in.  I cannot wait.  Someday it will happen.  The sooner the better simply because I want to get out of town, signs of humanity, noise, traffic and so on and get into the mountains and quiet and peace.