I felt the need to put into words what I feel. But first, a prologue. This post is related to the one I posted after my return from Op Hard Hustle, with my most favourite group of volunteers, Team Rubicon.
It has been almost 3 weeks since I returned from my latest deployment, Op Kickback. And I noticed that my recovery from this Op is similar in many ways, but also very different.
I suppose I am taking a risk in putting these words here. Who will read them? Will there be repercussions? Judgement? I do not know. What I do know is that I need to sort through my current thoughts.
I will not talk about the Op other than it was wonderful and amazing and I had such a fantastic experience and met people I truly love and care for. People that accepted me for me. The foul-mouthed, dirty-minded, crass asshole that I am. I did not have to hide any part of who I am. I was among family. People that were not put off by me. People that could rise to the challenge and stand up to me. People mentally and physically strong enough to be my friends and worthy of being called family.
And then I come home. Coming home is often the hard part. To go from the high of being with people you like and care about. Doing something selflessly. The constant excitement. Every day is a different and new day. Another day spent with friends. Another day learning and exacting a new skill. My newly(ish) skills are working with chainsaws. Boy howdy! I have found my new passion Truly. I have plans. A future. And it involves sawyer shit. Manual labor. Outdoors.
Post deployment blues. They are a real thing. Granted, nothing like a service-member's months, if not years, long deployment. But it is still a thing. And, unfortunately, I am stuck in it. Fuck. I admittedly did not really understand Depression much. I mean, life is a beautiful thing. Why be sad about it? I know it is real and a mental illness and so much more than merely being sad. I just never really experienced it before. Till now. I think.
After every deployment I have had, I felt that void of being alone and being back in my mundane life. That is normal. But this void? Fuck dude. I cannot shake it. This is getting to be ridiculous. I never knew this level of alone ever existed. Shit. It is like standing in a crowd, surrounded by people moving all around you, yet you do not feel like you exist. The crowd keeps moving around you, like a river flowing around a rock. Sometimes you are fine. Sometimes this feeling of utter despair washes over you. The meaning of your existence comes into question. Now, do not confuse this with suicidal ideations. That is not what I am talking about. I am talking about the course your life has taken. Is going. And why? Why continue down that path? Was it the right path? What if it was the wrong path? How do you correct your course? What if you are lost? Where do you get help to correct the course? Do you stand and wait or take action? And so on and so forth. I love life and plan to continue it for a long time. My life has simply hit a foggy patch and I have no light or guidance to get out of it.
I should mention that upon me arriving home, I went to work literally 12h later. Received news at work that big things were happening and changing that directly impacted me. And received more news that a close friend of mine had been in crisis and is happily still here with us. But I was not there to help that friend. I felt that inescapable feeling of failure. Failure to help my friend. Failure to be a good friend. Failure to be the kind of friend that I prided myself on being. So, now not only was I feeling utterly and despondently alone, I was having an existential crisis as to the direction my life was going in terms of my career and now I am a failure as a friend. Yup. A pretty great trifecta.
Oh, and did I mention the completely and utterly feeling of being alone in the world? Back in a world with no intimate human contact. Back in a world of being single. Back in a world of using my filter. Covering up who I am. Somehow this time, this deployment, I cannot shake these feelings.
I have gone out and done things I enjoy. But they feel lackluster. I have set goals. I have set a budget to get on track of my life goals. I have researched things pertaining to life goals. I have applied to TR leadership. I have attended TR events. I have made travel plans to see important people. I have reached out to people, but cannot seem to tell them how I truly feel. Instead, I tell them I am fine. Or vent briefly, but barely scrape the surface. Feelings are weakness, right? Crying? Oh hell no. I am me. A strong, salty asshole. I hide those things. I use tough words and bravado. Not cry. Not sit and stare aimlessly. I sometimes just sit and cry by myself. I find myself resenting people around me. I have friends here, at home. Yet I feel bitterly alone. I am moody. Grumpy. And this is not what I want. I want to feel whole. Fuck dude. This sucks.
My new supervisor and I had a good discussion. In that session I was told that I am in control of my happiness. And this is true. And I remind myself of it multiple times a day. I have a plan of action. And part of that plan is admitting I need help. At this point, I am past the point of helping myself successfully. I think to my future and it scares me. The unknown. When you have done something for so long. You define yourself by it. The order of it. The known and knowledge of it. What if you chose wrong? What if it was a different path you were to take? Is it better to be safe and stay on the path or veer off and try a different one, even if that means complete redefinition of self?
And to answer your questions, yes, I will be fine. This is another stage in life. It, too, will be overcome. Or absorbed. Another experience in my life. One I will learn from. But for now. I keep the void at bay. In my bubble of loneliness. Sometimes that bubble pops. And the void creeps in. I have a plan. I am working hard to keep on track of it. The goal is set. I will strive for it. Till then, a lot more hard work and (potential) unhappiness will occur. But keeping the void at bay. That is the true challenge. I will see my TR friends again. We will attempt to keep in contact. Maybe I may even tell them about the void. Probably not. But hearing their voices and reading their words helps. I'm not done yet. I have so many plans for TR. So many goals. And dammit, I will accomplish them. I will set those goals and smash them. And repeat. Over and over. I find setting and going for those goals help keep the void at bay. Must stay busy.
/end rant
