It's not me. It's you.

First of all, I just have to say that being an adult can have its perks.  Such as staying up late building a Jeep Lego set.  Far too late.  So much so that you regret it the next day when you are a horrendous monster and want nothing but coffee and a straight razor to get through the day (to deal with others).  But, nonetheless, playing with Legos never gets old.  Neither does taking your Jeep out to the desert with a kayak atop it and go wheeling. :-)

As people get older, people come and go in our lives.  Some make the cut and stick around longer than others.  And those special few get inside our defenses and are among the trusted select few "besties" category.  Friends are relationships, just like dating people to live and/or marry.  They take time and investment.  They require communication and sacrifice.  They have their selfless and selfish moments.  But overall, they bring happiness and a feeling of whole/completeness when you surround yourself with good "besties."  But, just as in life, things sometimes come to an end, including friendships.

I found a few links regarding the feelings felt and the grief process that can be associated with the loss, i.e. "death", of a friendship of a "bestie."

• It's Personal - Death of a Friendship
• Wikihow: Get Over the Loss of a Friendship
• 8 Steps of Closure at the End of a Friendship

Some memes I found that are fairly accurate.

 

 

Here is a fantastic poem on Emily Rosen's facebook page.  Not all of it applies to my situation, but I feel it is fairly accurate in its description of the feelings felt.

 

I lost one of my closest friends this year - no she didn't die.

I lost her friendship.
This was someone I thought who would be in my friend forever.

...

I didn't see it coming.

I didn't understand what happened

For months I sat with tremendous sadness about the dissolving of the friendship.

Sadness and then anger

Anger at myself
Anger at the situation
Anger at her

I have never felt so misunderstood

I have been dancing with this for months
Trying to go back in time and break things down
Trying to better understand so I could make it better, fix it and make sure it never happened again.

I wanted to explain, clarify and fix

But the hurt was too intense for me to take action
Normally I would call to talk it out
I would attempt to resolve it immediately
But I just couldn't
And I couldn't figure out why I felt paralyzed

I was sharing about what was going on for me with a friend.

I told her, I need space but I also am so afraid of what will happen in that space.

My impulse was to stay connected no matter what.

To talk it out, work it out --- make it right

I kept saying:
I just want her to know what was true for me
I just want her to know how much I cared how much I loved her
I just want her to understand
And what if something happens, what if she never knows

My friend interrupted me and said
This isn't about you and her
This is about you and truth
And trusting in what you know to be true for you

In that instant I felt my heart beat slow, my mind go quiet and my eyes misty

And I saw…
I saw how my whole life I have only ever known something was real when someone else confirmed it for me

I saw how while I know what was true for me I was needing her to understand and confirm it for me so I knew it to be true

I saw how this had been driving me to push myself well past what I knew was good for me in so so many relationships

I am not one to walk away
I have always prided myself on my perseverance and willingness to work through most anything

It has kept me in abusive relationships
And kept me coming back for more

But I am finally learning my no

my no

I feel like I just woke up to an alternate reality where I have a range of choices I never considered

Perhaps sometimes it is just best to walk away
I didn't give my self-permission to do this before.

I have spent a lot of time trying to understand people.

Trying to analyze their behaviors and make sense of why they do the things they do and really trying to understand what my part was, why I showed up the way I did and how I can change myself to be better and do better.

This of course has its place and can be very useful and important at times, but I can see how it has caught me in a cycle of trying to understand and resolve all the time before even checking in first to see if this is even a place I want to put my energy

I had no idea how drained I was from not saying no and letting go

I had no idea how much I was blaming and shaming myself all the time

I have been thrashing myself for the last few years

Beating myself up for all the places I could have done better or different as if through the process of punishing myself I would prevent anything "bad" happening again.

I have been expecting such a level of excellence from myself I kept crumbling under my own pressure

It has been ME hurting ME

Oh, humbling

So I tell you this, this is what I am learning, some simple truths

Trust that people are who they show you they are

Sometimes people just are not a match

Sometimes it is okay to walk away

Trust what you know to be true

After all, you are always left with you

I have had so many people speak to me about the pain of friendships dissolving recently

I get it
I so do

And I hope that you can learn to be gentle with this one and only precious you

So, the moral of the story is- learn to move on.  Losses happen.  They can be especially saddening when you, as a "bestie" did your best to be the best "bestie" out there and were shunned for it.  In that case, the loss is a beneficial thing.  But by no means does it make the loss any easier.  We move on.  We learn and chalk it up to "experience."   Therefore, this is my goodbye blog to my friendship.  Ta ta friendship.  It had it's nice times and it had it's down times.  It ended on a down time.  I will think no more on the loss of it.  I have my closure.  My friend is gone and is no more to me.  My life has moved on and is just as fulfilled and happy as ever.  Good bye.

And now, I'm going to remind myself how fucking awesome my life is, even with the loss of a "bestie." :-)

My weekend went something like this: roller derby practice, volunteer at Pat Tillman memorial run (hang out and meet new awesome people), go wheeling/off roading/potlucking with off road club friends, hang out with boobie soul mate (Ms. Prince et al.), sleep, hike ~9mi up and down a mountain (Cervidae Peak) with awesome friends, home.  Relax.

Photos taken along my hike with Team RWB yesterday:

 

 

 

I watched Interstellar last night.  I learned that is not a film I can watch in bed in anticipation of sleeping afterward.  I have rarely felt that way at the end of a film.  The last one I recall was 2001: A Space Odyssey.  I thought the film was excellent.  It makes me excited for the future.  The ideas that will form then.  The progress of the human race.  The discoveries we will make.  Those thoughts kept me up last night.  I was too revved up to sleep.  Wow!  Space exploration is such a neat thing!

Single Down-sized Living

There is something to be said from not having (reliable) internet or cable.  I feel both highly disconnected and totally at peace with not being attached to things that are truly not required for a happy existence.  Granted, not having the internet is very frustrating at times, too.  It would come in handy for things such as regular blog posts (and making the posts pretty with links and photos, but my internet is not good enough for me to regularly add those things), applying for things, paying for things, updating things, organizing your email and/or replying in a timely manner, etc.

Yes yes, people say, “But just use your cell phone.”  Well.  I’m not a fan of my cell phone.  Much less using it for everything except wiping my ass.  I feel society as a whole is way too attached to their electronics.  Get out.  Go enjoy the world around you, minus the ear buds.  Go listen, smell, feel and hear the world as it really is.  Besides, there is only so much time I can spend trying to do fairly complicated (for me) things on a screen no bigger than 3”x5” or so.  And using my fingers rather than a mouse driver me nuts.  I want a fucking normal sized goddamned keyboard.  Yeah yeah, I’m sure there’s a solution to that complaint, too.  Guess what?  I do not want to spend more money on something so that I can simply be more lazy.  Society, sheesh.  Get off your ass.  Work.  Earn shit. /endrant

Things I have noticed that I do differently now that I live by myself:

• ·         My refrigerator is too small to stockpile things.  Therefore, I eat until it is empty, then refill it.  I am now forced to food shop ~once a week.  Granted, the main things in my refrigerator are still beer and condiments.

·         I have yet to actually use the stovetop or oven.  Although I did finally buy a pot last week.  I just cannot seem to figure out how to make them work…
·         I am hardly ever home.  Ever.  I spend most of my time on my days off at friend’s places or out exploring.  Anywhere, but at home. 
·         My home is a place for me to sleep.  And that’s basically it.
·         I drink more beer.  For some reason I drink much more.  And by much more, I mean I have a can or bottle after I get home from work.  Granted, it still takes me hours to finish that one brew, but I still consume it more often.
·         I live like a bachelorette.  And I am perfectly okay with that.
·         I REALLY REALLY REALLY miss wet wipes.  My backside misses them so hard core.
·         I read more.  Especially since I rarely turn on my computer.  I have fewer distractions.  I have gotten back in to reading for fun.  I missed that.  And am glad I re-found it.
·         I realized I can function quite well on less than half of the stuff I own.  Most of it is in storage anyway.  This makes me happy.  The things I use the most?  My 15 yr old Nalgene bottle, my backpack/rucksack and my watch.  Yep.  Life is good with those things that you rarely even think about, yet use profusely.
·         I use the radio ALL THE TIME.  The first thing I do when I wake up is turn it on.  The first thing I do when I get home is turn it on.  It’s quite nice.  Music.
·         I am less stressed.  I can be as neat and organized or as sloppy as I want.  And I do not care.  It does not stress me out since I know I am the one that did it and can deal with it however I want.  I do not go on cleaning tizzies.  Shit is where I want it.  And if I cannot find something, I simply laugh at myself: how can you lose something in so small a space anyway?!
·         I find other places to shower.  I have not showered here in over a month.  Why, you ask?  B/c I forget that I have to turn on the hot water heater at least an hour before I want to shower.  Well.  I do not think that far ahead.  And running out of hot, or even lukewarm water really sucks when it turns frigid.  I now use my shower as my roller derby equipment storage location.

• I dance more.  I break out in dance whenever I want.  Which is quite often.  Usually because the radio is on.:-)

I recently finished reading "Lone Survivor".  WOW!  I've seen and own the film.  I adore the film.  But the book is a whole new level of WOW.  Mr. Marcus Luttrell.  You are a powerful human being.  Your coworker peers are equally as impressive.  Stay the right path.

Ms. Price and I watched "Nightcrawler" the other day.  Holy shitballs.  I have rarely watched a film that made me so angry and upset at humanity as that one.  I was seething by the time the film was over.  Flabbergasted.  Yes, that is what I felt.  Along with sadness- that the film is not fiction.  There are people out there that embody those actions and mindsets.  It makes me sick.

I admit I am a wee bit short on sleep.  I stayed up too late the other night.  After work, I decided to put together a lego set Ross got me.  It was of a Jeep pulling a trailer with an ATV on it.  Fuck yes!  It is good to have friends that know me so well, hahaha!  So I drank a beer.  Made microwave popcorn smothered in butter.  Watched Orange is the New Black.  And built my Lego badass mobile. 

Life is good.

I

The Sky's the Limit...!

It has been a pretty darn fantastic weekend.

Easter weekend was a good one, too.  I think I already blogged about that.  I will add photos to that post of my kayaking adventures.

Saturday was spent going to roller derby practice for a wee bit.  Then I had to jet over to Boise for my FREE Spartan workout.  Whoa.  I wanted to vomit quite a few times.  I did not.  It was great!  My knees are covered in bruises and my elbows and knees are all skinned and scabbed over.

They (and by "they", I mean Camp Rhino Boise) organized and led it.  We did sprints, bear walks, alligator walks, frog jumps, army crawls, group v-sits with arms linked, partner pushes, etc.  The worst was the "inch worm".  Throughout the whole event, we were broken into 12 lines, in order of our birth month.  For the inch worm, we were in a row on hands and feet, asses up in the air.  The person in front of the line then hand to inch worm their way under all of us to the end.  Then the next person went and the one after that until the entire line had gone.  Fuuugghh!  Talk about hard!  I'm sure my ass hit quite a few faces.  I grumbled and swore.  But I was very happy I did it.  Besides, afterward, some of us went for burgers and beer.  Because, dammit, we earned it!  Oh, and the place we did it in was covered in goose shit, it was rainy and windy.  Yep.  Fucking awesome.  No sarcasm used.

On Sunday, I took my buddy Ross to my favourite wheeling trail in the Owyhees.  It was great.  I love that trail.  It follows a creek in a canyon on the way to Silver City.  So there are lots of water crossings and so nice to be in a riparian system in the middle of the high desert.  Here are pics from it:

This is the view from where I pooped.  And the next photo is what much of the trail looked like.

Canyon walls.

The next photos are of the "hardest" part of the trail: climbing up a steep-ish rock wall out of the creek.  When I first did this trail in my Xterra, I needed to be winched up.  This time, in the Jeep, I stuck it in 4lo and went up it, and down...twice, bwahahaha!

 

 

 

Standard Jeep poser shot on trail in water.  Water was so deep here that it went over my galoshes and into them.  Fuck.  Cold water!  Mmmm, mountain run off water.

 

 This was about as deep as it got.  Which is terribly sad.  The water should have at least been up to the bottom of my door, if not higher at this time of year.  It means we're in for another bad drought...again.  I wish we could get more snow in the winter so we'd have enough water to sustain us for the rest of the seasons.

We had our chapter meeting for Team RWB yesterday.  I love those people.  Even though I am not a vet and have not served in the Armed Forces (stupid medical stuff), I still feel included in their activities and am a useful and appreciated member.  I had an epiphany during the meeting.  I want to combine my love to Team RWB and its mission to help serve Vets in a positive manner, and my love of off roading.  When I off road and explore the backwoods, isolated parts of Idaho, I feel so fulfilled and complete.  I feel like I am a part of something bigger and more important; a piece of nature, a Grand Plan of sorts.  I cannot convey it into words very well.  But I get this enormous sense of satisfaction and happiness.  I want to share that with Vets or anyone, really, that is suffering in some capacity or in need of help.  I would really like to see if I can get one (or a few) of the local off road groups to organize a wheeling with Vets event.  Have a vet as a passenger, or maybe even let him/her drive parts of the trail.  To have various difficulty options available.  Maybe make it a scenic run, camp somewhere, play on rocks and return.  Share stories, or not.  Eat food.  Be in nature.  Be happy.  Hike? Psh, dunno.  So many ideas...

 

weight is overrated

Whenever I go see a doctor, I always tell the PA not to tell me what my weight is. I have come to the realisation that my life is a haappier place when I don't know that number. In my world, especially growing up, those numbers are powerful, hateful things. I have lived my life fighting against those numbers. My very happiness is tied to those numbers. They reflect my self esteem and have been the biggest source of depression and unhappiness thus far in my life. Today, the doctor sent me my summary online. And yup. I saw that number. For the first time in months I saw it. I was not overly pleased with the number, but, well...my world is still intact. It has not come crashing down around me. It is a number. I will always fight it. Society tells me so. But now, since I know I lead a healthy life and am very active, that number can go fuck itself.  My clothes fit so much better than before. I re-notched in my belt buckles at work months ago. Fuck you weight numbers. I am better than you.

Funny story this week.
I see a chiropractor every so often since my body is not what it once was, especially with my active lifestyle. I was telling him what was sort, but that life was pretty good. He advised me that he was not sorry for my soreness since it was due to my fun, adventurous, exciting lifestyle. I found it flattering, haha!

I learned this week that my particular health insurance is very hard to work with when it comes to (progressive) women's health. I find this highly frustrating. They would rather a woman go through exploratory surgery before approving major surgery. Therefore, twice the cost. Twice the recovery time. Twice the pain. How fucked up is that?! I am hoping my doctor is convincing enough for them so that I can be approved. *fingers crossed*

This also annoys me in that the insurance is very much pro-family. Which, yes, society is built upon family. But some of us have no desire for procreation. At. All. So, if we desire to have those organs removed or altered, especially if they cause excruciating suicidal-induced pain, then I think it is that person's right to have those/that surgery. So what if that person is still of child birthing age? If that person does not want kids, why punish them with continued pain because it is against your (religious-based, usually) life standards and not good for business (less people/kids = less money in their pockets).

In other news, on Easter Sunday I went kayaking all day. It was fucking fantastic. There was a bald eagle nest near the launch site. Also saw blue herons, red tail hawks, grebes, wood ducks?, musk rats, turkeys and many other birds. It was a beautiful day full of sun, wind, rain, calm, clouds, warmth and chills. Fairly standard Idaho spring weather. Ate lunch on a sandbar. Isolated. Happy. Great times. :-)