It's not me. It's you.

First of all, I just have to say that being an adult can have its perks.  Such as staying up late building a Jeep Lego set.  Far too late.  So much so that you regret it the next day when you are a horrendous monster and want nothing but coffee and a straight razor to get through the day (to deal with others).  But, nonetheless, playing with Legos never gets old.  Neither does taking your Jeep out to the desert with a kayak atop it and go wheeling. :-)

As people get older, people come and go in our lives.  Some make the cut and stick around longer than others.  And those special few get inside our defenses and are among the trusted select few "besties" category.  Friends are relationships, just like dating people to live and/or marry.  They take time and investment.  They require communication and sacrifice.  They have their selfless and selfish moments.  But overall, they bring happiness and a feeling of whole/completeness when you surround yourself with good "besties."  But, just as in life, things sometimes come to an end, including friendships.

I found a few links regarding the feelings felt and the grief process that can be associated with the loss, i.e. "death", of a friendship of a "bestie."

• It's Personal - Death of a Friendship
• Wikihow: Get Over the Loss of a Friendship
• 8 Steps of Closure at the End of a Friendship

Some memes I found that are fairly accurate.

 

 

Here is a fantastic poem on Emily Rosen's facebook page.  Not all of it applies to my situation, but I feel it is fairly accurate in its description of the feelings felt.

 

I lost one of my closest friends this year - no she didn't die.

I lost her friendship.
This was someone I thought who would be in my friend forever.

...

I didn't see it coming.

I didn't understand what happened

For months I sat with tremendous sadness about the dissolving of the friendship.

Sadness and then anger

Anger at myself
Anger at the situation
Anger at her

I have never felt so misunderstood

I have been dancing with this for months
Trying to go back in time and break things down
Trying to better understand so I could make it better, fix it and make sure it never happened again.

I wanted to explain, clarify and fix

But the hurt was too intense for me to take action
Normally I would call to talk it out
I would attempt to resolve it immediately
But I just couldn't
And I couldn't figure out why I felt paralyzed

I was sharing about what was going on for me with a friend.

I told her, I need space but I also am so afraid of what will happen in that space.

My impulse was to stay connected no matter what.

To talk it out, work it out --- make it right

I kept saying:
I just want her to know what was true for me
I just want her to know how much I cared how much I loved her
I just want her to understand
And what if something happens, what if she never knows

My friend interrupted me and said
This isn't about you and her
This is about you and truth
And trusting in what you know to be true for you

In that instant I felt my heart beat slow, my mind go quiet and my eyes misty

And I saw…
I saw how my whole life I have only ever known something was real when someone else confirmed it for me

I saw how while I know what was true for me I was needing her to understand and confirm it for me so I knew it to be true

I saw how this had been driving me to push myself well past what I knew was good for me in so so many relationships

I am not one to walk away
I have always prided myself on my perseverance and willingness to work through most anything

It has kept me in abusive relationships
And kept me coming back for more

But I am finally learning my no

my no

I feel like I just woke up to an alternate reality where I have a range of choices I never considered

Perhaps sometimes it is just best to walk away
I didn't give my self-permission to do this before.

I have spent a lot of time trying to understand people.

Trying to analyze their behaviors and make sense of why they do the things they do and really trying to understand what my part was, why I showed up the way I did and how I can change myself to be better and do better.

This of course has its place and can be very useful and important at times, but I can see how it has caught me in a cycle of trying to understand and resolve all the time before even checking in first to see if this is even a place I want to put my energy

I had no idea how drained I was from not saying no and letting go

I had no idea how much I was blaming and shaming myself all the time

I have been thrashing myself for the last few years

Beating myself up for all the places I could have done better or different as if through the process of punishing myself I would prevent anything "bad" happening again.

I have been expecting such a level of excellence from myself I kept crumbling under my own pressure

It has been ME hurting ME

Oh, humbling

So I tell you this, this is what I am learning, some simple truths

Trust that people are who they show you they are

Sometimes people just are not a match

Sometimes it is okay to walk away

Trust what you know to be true

After all, you are always left with you

I have had so many people speak to me about the pain of friendships dissolving recently

I get it
I so do

And I hope that you can learn to be gentle with this one and only precious you

So, the moral of the story is- learn to move on.  Losses happen.  They can be especially saddening when you, as a "bestie" did your best to be the best "bestie" out there and were shunned for it.  In that case, the loss is a beneficial thing.  But by no means does it make the loss any easier.  We move on.  We learn and chalk it up to "experience."   Therefore, this is my goodbye blog to my friendship.  Ta ta friendship.  It had it's nice times and it had it's down times.  It ended on a down time.  I will think no more on the loss of it.  I have my closure.  My friend is gone and is no more to me.  My life has moved on and is just as fulfilled and happy as ever.  Good bye.

And now, I'm going to remind myself how fucking awesome my life is, even with the loss of a "bestie." :-)

My weekend went something like this: roller derby practice, volunteer at Pat Tillman memorial run (hang out and meet new awesome people), go wheeling/off roading/potlucking with off road club friends, hang out with boobie soul mate (Ms. Prince et al.), sleep, hike ~9mi up and down a mountain (Cervidae Peak) with awesome friends, home.  Relax.

Photos taken along my hike with Team RWB yesterday:

 

 

 

I watched Interstellar last night.  I learned that is not a film I can watch in bed in anticipation of sleeping afterward.  I have rarely felt that way at the end of a film.  The last one I recall was 2001: A Space Odyssey.  I thought the film was excellent.  It makes me excited for the future.  The ideas that will form then.  The progress of the human race.  The discoveries we will make.  Those thoughts kept me up last night.  I was too revved up to sleep.  Wow!  Space exploration is such a neat thing!