Still childless. Still Single. Still Awesome.

Saturday

So you know, sometimes life just goes in a direction you were not wholly surprised about, but really wished it did not go.  This week has been one of those types of directions.

I am still utterly bummed that I did not get to participate in the GORUCK events over the weekend in Washington, DC.  It really annoys me that I flew 3,000+mi to do an event, get hurt mere hours before my flight to leave and not be able to do much of any exercise.  I could not even shadow either event completely.  *sigh*  I know that is life.  I know you live and learn and adapt.  But sometimes it really effing annoys me.  I am thinking all the abuse I subjected my body to in 2015 for training for all these endurance events is catching up with me with a vengeance.  My poor body.  It is the only one I have.  I should treat it better.  But working out makes me feel so good.  I do not like to stop or abate it.  I notice that when I slack off (either by choice, or by doctor's orders), I get a little sadder.  My self esteem starts to drop.  I worked so very hard to be who I am, to have the body I have.  Slacking, even just a bit can be a major set back.  But common sense prevailed.  I did not participate.  I chose to let my body heal and bruise my ego.  There will be more events.  Still annoys me that I missed these ones.

My body is humpty dumpty.  I am working on putting me back together again.  And now, the real doozy is putting my emotions and self-esteem/ego back together from this week's hit.  I was all ready to alter the title of my blog to Awesome, Childless in Idaho.  Well.  No need for that.   The title as it stands is still accurate.  Last night made it official.  Much to my chagrin.  But is it?  Is it chagrin?  Was I really happy?  More time must be spent analysing this.  I think more than anything my ego feels bruised.  I feel foolish.  To like someone more than they like you.  To put yourself out there.  To think about someone.  To do things for them.  And then realise it was for naught.  That it was not equally reciprocated.  That makes me feel foolish.  My heart is fine.  It was not given to Alexander.  Not enough time had been spent together to determine that (thankfully).  I had noticed a clear and defining moment in our relationship in which things changed.  Not by me.  But by him.  I have no idea what the trigger was, but from then on, I was not as happy.  I felt so much more lonely being in a relationship than I ever had when I was single.  Yes, all five years of singledom.  I know being single again is for the best.

I think I got so caught up in finding someone that fit all my dating criteria, even the criteria I no longer used since I did not think any man out there could obtain them.  I was so excited to find this unicorn that I overlooked the things in the relationship that made me unhappy.  He is not my unicorn.  If he was, we'd work it out.  I would be happy.  I look back on the things that made me unhappy and should have known it was doomed.  Luckily, not a substantial amount of time was spent together (in the grand scheme of life).  But it still hurts on some level.  I still cried.  I still feel tinges of desolation in that it took me a solid three years of being single, with absolutely no human contact whatsoever to even find this one person to be in a relationship for two months, that I feel at times I may as well give up.  Waiting another three years for rejection is hard to accept.  So I won't.  I will not accept defeat.  I'm gonna put myself out there, come what may.

Today I saw a crow flying.  It was in place, not moving.  The wind was so strong that it was not making forward progress.  But it kept trying.  Flapping its wings in the air.  I watched it as I drove by.  It was still trying forward momentum when I passed it by.  I hope, that at some point in my life, when I am trying so hard to move forward and going nowhere, that I have enough common sense to stop.  Rest.  And redirect.

Later in the day, I was pulled over to the side of the road.  A breeze was blowing leaves across the road.  I saw a cat running out chasing the leaves.  It brought a smile to my face. J

Tuesday

I have some of the most amazing friends ever.  When I call them upset about being dumped, they immediately corral and take me out that same night.  They buy my drinks.  They make me laugh and smile.  The others, they offer to break legs.  To bring lye.  To dig holes.  Thank you friends.  I love you.

I went climbing last night.  I had not been climbing in 2 weeks.  Wow!  That makes a huge difference.  I made it to the top of a few routes, but they were the easy ones.  They still felt difficult though.  My friend invited me to be on her triathlon relay team.  YAY!  I get to finally be on a team and swim.  I am so super stoked!  I get to swim again and train.  Therefore, I need to amp up my climbing time to improve my upper body strength.  I need to go to the Rec Center and start swimming again.

After living in Idaho for going on seven years, I finally saw a doctor that specialises in something I have.  My work schedule and their inability to accept new patients prevented me from seeing one earlier.  My mind was blown.  There were so many new innovations.  New ways of treatment.  Different options available to me.  I loved it.  I am excited to try new things and learn about things I did not know existed or were an option.  At one point, the doctor was asking me about a detrimental thing that happens.  I advised they happen to me as well and I address it as required.  Doctor asked if people I live with are aware.  I told her I live by myself.  She asked if I at least have a dog.  I told her my work schedule was not conducive to pet ownership.  She said nothing.  She even refrained from pursing her lips.  I could tell she was not thrilled.  I told her I had morbid thoughts of dying due to what I have and no one noticing for a long time, at least till it was too late if I did need help.  She then told me about service dogs.  I dismissed it.  But I have been putting more and more thought into it.  And I think I'd like to research the possibilities more.  Especially with regards to work.  How can I bring it to work?  And would I be allowed to?  And if I could, could I use it through/at work as well?  Hmmmm.  More thoughts are needed on this.

I asked the doctor about support groups for people like me: with what I have and who are super active and do endurance-based events.  There are not many of us.  She advised she only had about 2 other patients that are active and could ask them if I could contact them with questions.  She said that people with what I have are not all that common and then to do the activity things that I do are so rare and few and far between that there's no support groups out there for us.  Alas.  I shall have to work on changing that!

Went wheeling up Tiddie Springs on Sunday. My celebration and big F you to anyone that thinks getting dumped will keep me down. I had the smallest rig. But it appeared one of the most capable. Then again, I was also at the end of the line and thus not breaking trail in the snow.  Eventually we had to turn around. The snow got too deep.  Trail melted and became a muddy mess. My Jeep is covered in mud. Ugh.

Vacay in DC!

Right this very moment I am eating leftover seasame chicken and watching RuPaul Drag Race while listening to doggies bark inside one of the most beautiful classy older homes I have ever been in about 3000mi from from home.  I am here in NOVA staying with Friends for a weekend of DC fun. I signed up for the MLK GORUCK event months ago. I really wanted that bandanas patch. So I bought tickets for DC and here I am. I originally signed up for the challenge but my ankle is still sonny from the half marathon on Nov. So I changed it to a light event. And then karma hit. An old work injury from spring 2013 came bad with a vengeance. Ho-Lee-shit! It hurt so bad. Took my breath away. Could barely walk. I really just wanted cry and take massive painkillers. I hardly slept the night before. My leg hurt so bad.  FML. Great. Just. Great. The flights were awful. I was so torn. I REALLY want to participate in the event. But I also knew  a potential workman comp injury would not go over well if I did do it. Not to mention, the pain was simply mind blowing.

I arrived on Thursday at DCA. My friend picked me up. We hung out. Dinner. Played with dogs. Fri I did the tourist thing and took the metro into DC and wandered around the Mall and Smithsonians. I spent a few hours in the Natural History Museum. My mind blown by how well the exhibits are presented. The Hall of Mammals and Gem stones/earth geology exhibits were my favorites. I also wandered around the human evolutionary history and Ocean Hall. Such a cool museum. I was in awe when reading about minerals, geologic processes, atomic structures and astronomy. All things that Alexander has been showing and telling me about since we met. I was so excited I knew what I was reading about!

I wanted to go to the folger Shakespeare museum, but I had a date with Enterprise Exotic Rental at Dulles in a few hours. So I grabbed coffee at L`Enfant Plaza then took the (brand new!) Silver line to its end at Wiehle St. Then caught a bus to Dulles. The another bus to Enterprise. I got top notch service. Manager handled my account. They let me look at the Porsche 911 but ultimately I kept my original choice: 2016 Corvette Stingray *giggle*.

O. M. G. I LOVE that car. So. Very. Much! The sound of the engine when you turn it on (push button). Hmmmm. It purrs. It makes the whole car shake as it idled. So pretty. I feel like a bandanas while driving it. Lots of head turns. There is a window roof but it is tinted in a way that it looks like solid metal from the outside. Needless to say, since GORUCK was not in my future, the car is the highlight of my vacation.

I shadowed the beginning of the Challenge. It was cold and pouring rain. They started at Lincoln Memorial. I drove along Ohio Dr and followed them. Went to Jefferson Memorial. It was so utterly peaceful. Late at night. Cold and rainy. Not a single tourist was out. I was there on my own. Sharing those moment with the monuments by myself. It felt...deep. spiritual? Special? I don't think I can out it into words. But I felt at home inside me. I drove around the Capitol. Then on back to Arlington.

My room at my friend`s house is so neat. I sleep in a four poster bed!  I've never been on one before! My friend and his husband decorate their home so beautifully. And it smells so good, too. I am genuinely envious of their home. Very classically done. Good on them.  When I pulled up in the Verge and parked it out front, I sent him a pic. Now he has everyone thinking it's his. :-)

I picked up coffee and donuts on my way to Endex of the Challenge. I saw Korean, WWII and MLK memorials while following them. I set the goodies out on the Verge and all the dirty rucker s surrounded it with the American flag alongside it. Best photo op. The NOW volunteer coordinator talked to us. He is  former military, an injured vet: leg blown off by suicide bomb killing many in his unit. He was pretty excited to meet and talk to GORUCK participants. I felt a swell of pride for us at that moment.

I then drove to the Capitol. I managed to fit the flag inside the Vette. I parked at visitors parking. As I walked away, a Capitol Police Officer on a bike rode up and looked around and in the Vette. He marveled to his coworker in a marked van that there was an American flag inside. I used this as an opportunity to talk to them about GORUCK. ONE already knew about it. We talked about working law enforcement. It was great. We bonded via patriotic pride and the stupidity of the masses. It was cold. So I snapped some pics and returned to the car.  The other officer in the van chatted to me some. I ran to Arlington. Grabbed food. Returned flag. Then watched Welcome Party of the Light (also at Lincoln Memorial). The crowds of tourists flocked to watch them. I answered lots of questions by them about GORUCK. ONE of the participants broke his foot. So I waited with him till his ride came. Then I walked along Tidal Basin and back to the car. I drove around downtown some then back home. My friend, his husband and I went to the DC Tattoo Convention in Crystal City. I love people watching. Especially that sort of subculture. Some of the art was amazing. Most of it was not quite my style but I appreciate the time and effort put into their art.

Today was brunch with the sis and bro in law. Then to the Udvar Hazy Air and Space Museum...in the snow. Yes. Snow. Effing snow. Corvette tires are not for snow. It does have a dial where you can choose driving conditions. So I set it for snow. And didn't mash the skinny pedal...much.  I took my friends for a drive (separately since it is a two seater and no back area). Found out that I can go 90mph and not even realise it. Mini Cooper tried racing me. Pfffffft. Not a chance. I hit 100mph today. I love the roar of the engine.

I got the car for another day. Drove back into DC. Toured via Vette. Took pics of the White House, monuments, Arlington/Lee House. Tomorrow I go home. Thinking of going on the Belfast so I can really let it rip. Want to go to Quantico to see USMC Museum but I hear it is closed. :-( I'll be sad to see it go back. I find that I actually miss Idaho. I miss home. The traffic here sucks. The drivers suck. They are impatient and in a rush. There are so many people here. I miss the mountains. Fewer cars there. People here wait. And wait and wait. In line. For food. In traffic. For the metro. Busy bees going to and fro. There is a whole amazing world out there. Outside the confines of the Beltway. Out west. Yeah. I miss my home. Friends. Cuddles.

RIP David Bowie

Apparently one of my all time favourite musicians died today.  Alas.  I do not get uber sad about death.  It happens.  For some, much sooner than thought.  But it is also a process in the life cycle.  One that, at times, is very painful to accept for the living.

I had a purpose in writing this entry.  But now I forgot what it is or was.  I got rather distracted while watching"House of Cards" and enjoying the fact that I have internet at home...albeit briefly I am sure.
Went to Bruneau Dunes State Park yesterday.  Hiked the dune ridgelines.  Hella hard to hike up that big beast of a dune.  But totally worth it.  I remember when I first moved to Idaho, I went to the dunes by myself and hiked around.  Since then, I have been there many times.  Usually on my own, occasionally with friends.  The last time, it was for the Bruneau Beast 5k.  I still consider that the hardest running race I have ever done.  Here are some pics I took while there:

I realised how good I have it with the job I have.  After perusing the open positions for both the state and federal governments, I have come to the conclusion that I am paid very well and I have pretty darn good benefits.  Add in the fact that I feel passionately about the job that I do and I feel that I do it very well and that I make a difference in the world (at least, I would like to think so), I am doing pretty darn good indeed.

Every job out there has its ups and downs.  I am hoping to improve my positive thinking and outlook.  I am going to be simply happy to have a job that helps me pay the bills and live fairly comfortably.  Getting upset about things I have no control over does not get me anywhere in the first place.  I am also hoping to just take it one day at a time.  Let the shit roll off my shoulders.  Get on with it.  Knowing that I am a badass great worker should be enough.  I should not expect recognition for the hard work I do.  Knowing I did it should be satisfaction enough.  That is what I need to work harder on.  Self satisfaction.

With that being said, it is hard to have a burgeoning relationship when you can only see or hang out with your partner one day a week.  This makes me very frustrated and sad.  It is difficult to plan things together when Sunday is it.  Only day for fun.  I had not anticipated my work schedule being so difficult in the dating thing.  Working 12h shifts is not easy either, thus limiting us to hang out or see one another even less.  *sigh*  I know, I know, if you truly like the person, you will figure it out.  Well, we are.  But I can still complain about how frustrating it is.  And lament that it will not change in the foreseeable future.  Blargh.

I took the Idaho Concealed Carry Enhanced class this past weekend, too.  It was very informative.  I learned a lot.  Having been raised thinking guns were near the epitome of evil, it has been hard for me, as an adult, to feel comfortable around firearms.  This class taught me how to hold, handle, load, shoot and understand pistols.  We shot 100 rounds doing a variety of exercises on ways to shoot: moving laterally, moving in a line from hip upward, aiming for different parts of the body, and practicing being comfortable with the muscle memory of where the gun is located on our body and how to property remove it from its holster.  I am very glad I took the class and feel much more knowledgeable as a result.  Alexander agreed to my idea of celebrating our anniversary with range time.  I'd like to get much better at my hand-eye coordination.  Next up, purchase a pistol for concealed carry.  Woot!

In the mean time, I now have another goal to go for in life.  To achieve this list of the 100 Ultimate PNW sights to see/do.  ZOMG, read the list.  It looks amazeballs!

New Year: 2016

I do not do New Year resolutions.  I think a person should strive to be better every day of their existence.  Not just making plans and goals that tend to whittle away to nothingness in a few months.  I plan to continue my level of badassery from 2015 into 2016.

I have found that there is some issue with my furnace.  I filled the LPG tanks hoping it was they that were empty.  Nope.  Something must be in the lines, moisture maybe.  I dunno.  I really should look into it.  I am very thankful to my friends for letting me stay at their homes when the temps took a nose dive to single digits and zero F.  Fuuuuugh.  That shit was effing cold.  My water line did briefly freeze one day.  It sucked.  But somehow it managed to fix itself a few days later.  And now I discovered a leak at the spigot.  Fuuuuugh part deux.  Better let the manager know.  I dunno how to fix that one without replacing the whole end of the hose...which is double and triple wrapped with insulation, heat strands and tape.  Poop.

I have a CCW course this weekend.  I am very excited for it.  I know it may come as a huge surprise to many of you, but I have very limited experience with firearms.  They still make me a wee bit uncomfortable when I am handling them.  I have shot a variety of guns (pistols, rifles, shot guns, etc.) and a variety of ammunition types.  But having been raised by a family that would not permit me to even pretend any of my toys were guns or me going around shooting people (akin to cops and robbers), as an adult, I still have hesitation with guns.  I am hoping getting my CCW and getting some more range time in, especially with pistols, will help with that.  *fingers crossed*

I had the most wonderful birthday party ever this past weekend.  I was speaking with Ms. Prince about what to do other than the drole sit around, play card games, eat and and drink.  She suggested paintball.  She is a genius!  Lo and behold, ten of my friends (plus to observers) decided they would like to partake in such a fantastically enjoyable pursuit...in the January cold.  We played indoors and outdoors.  We played for hours doing a variety of games/battles.  I am so happy that some of my closest friends managed to get together and work so well together as a team and joke around and get along.

Some other people joined our group to play along.  There were two teenage boys, I'd guess sophomore/junior ages.  Dear Lawd.  They were almost intolerable.  I will give them credit for being outgoing.  But they were rude.  They were selfish.  They were awkward, which is understandable...to a certain degree.  But their closed-minded comments were uncalled for at times.  Therefore, many of us ganged up on them to "kill" them.  It was great.  One even accepted a $2 offer to eat a paintball.  Ah, reckless youth.  It can certainly be entertaining.

One thing I have noticed about dating.  Instead of constantly feeling a sense of togetherness, I actually notice at times I feel even more lonely.  It is weird.  I thought that if you date, you are always happy.  Which I am.  I am very happy.  I cannot begin to describe my level of excitement and twitterpation over the whole thing.  But now that I know what it is like to be with someone I like and care about, when I go home, such as during family-oriented holidays, I feel even more alone.  I guess that makes sense.  And that is certainly part of the dating process.  I just have been out of the dating loop for so long, that I have to relearn everything.  I have noticed that my time being alone and single and working on me has done well with me.  I am more communicative.  I know what I want.  I am less indecisive.  I am less emotionally driven to act rashly.  Yay me, I guess. :-)  Had to go through a metric fuck ton of frogs to find a prince. *fingers crossed*  I now need to learn that always planning a back up plan for failure sometimes sets up myself up for that very failure.  So I am working very hard at living the moment.  Hoping for the best.  AND working for the best.  It takes two to tango.  Hannibal is happy.