Saturday
So you know, sometimes life just goes in a direction you were
not wholly surprised about, but really wished it did not go. This week
has been one of those types of directions.
I am still utterly bummed that I did not get to participate in the GORUCK events over the weekend in Washington, DC. It really annoys me that I flew 3,000+mi to do an event, get hurt mere hours before my flight to leave and not be able to do much of any exercise. I could not even shadow either event completely. *sigh* I know that is life. I know you live and learn and adapt. But sometimes it really effing annoys me. I am thinking all the abuse I subjected my body to in 2015 for training for all these endurance events is catching up with me with a vengeance. My poor body. It is the only one I have. I should treat it better. But working out makes me feel so good. I do not like to stop or abate it. I notice that when I slack off (either by choice, or by doctor's orders), I get a little sadder. My self esteem starts to drop. I worked so very hard to be who I am, to have the body I have. Slacking, even just a bit can be a major set back. But common sense prevailed. I did not participate. I chose to let my body heal and bruise my ego. There will be more events. Still annoys me that I missed these ones.
My body is humpty dumpty. I am working on putting me back together again. And now, the real doozy is putting my emotions and self-esteem/ego back together from this week's hit. I was all ready to alter the title of my blog to Awesome, Childless in Idaho. Well. No need for that. The title as it stands is still accurate. Last night made it official. Much to my chagrin. But is it? Is it chagrin? Was I really happy? More time must be spent analysing this. I think more than anything my ego feels bruised. I feel foolish. To like someone more than they like you. To put yourself out there. To think about someone. To do things for them. And then realise it was for naught. That it was not equally reciprocated. That makes me feel foolish. My heart is fine. It was not given to Alexander. Not enough time had been spent together to determine that (thankfully). I had noticed a clear and defining moment in our relationship in which things changed. Not by me. But by him. I have no idea what the trigger was, but from then on, I was not as happy. I felt so much more lonely being in a relationship than I ever had when I was single. Yes, all five years of singledom. I know being single again is for the best.
I think I got so caught up in finding someone that fit all my dating criteria, even the criteria I no longer used since I did not think any man out there could obtain them. I was so excited to find this unicorn that I overlooked the things in the relationship that made me unhappy. He is not my unicorn. If he was, we'd work it out. I would be happy. I look back on the things that made me unhappy and should have known it was doomed. Luckily, not a substantial amount of time was spent together (in the grand scheme of life). But it still hurts on some level. I still cried. I still feel tinges of desolation in that it took me a solid three years of being single, with absolutely no human contact whatsoever to even find this one person to be in a relationship for two months, that I feel at times I may as well give up. Waiting another three years for rejection is hard to accept. So I won't. I will not accept defeat. I'm gonna put myself out there, come what may.
I am still utterly bummed that I did not get to participate in the GORUCK events over the weekend in Washington, DC. It really annoys me that I flew 3,000+mi to do an event, get hurt mere hours before my flight to leave and not be able to do much of any exercise. I could not even shadow either event completely. *sigh* I know that is life. I know you live and learn and adapt. But sometimes it really effing annoys me. I am thinking all the abuse I subjected my body to in 2015 for training for all these endurance events is catching up with me with a vengeance. My poor body. It is the only one I have. I should treat it better. But working out makes me feel so good. I do not like to stop or abate it. I notice that when I slack off (either by choice, or by doctor's orders), I get a little sadder. My self esteem starts to drop. I worked so very hard to be who I am, to have the body I have. Slacking, even just a bit can be a major set back. But common sense prevailed. I did not participate. I chose to let my body heal and bruise my ego. There will be more events. Still annoys me that I missed these ones.
My body is humpty dumpty. I am working on putting me back together again. And now, the real doozy is putting my emotions and self-esteem/ego back together from this week's hit. I was all ready to alter the title of my blog to Awesome, Childless in Idaho. Well. No need for that. The title as it stands is still accurate. Last night made it official. Much to my chagrin. But is it? Is it chagrin? Was I really happy? More time must be spent analysing this. I think more than anything my ego feels bruised. I feel foolish. To like someone more than they like you. To put yourself out there. To think about someone. To do things for them. And then realise it was for naught. That it was not equally reciprocated. That makes me feel foolish. My heart is fine. It was not given to Alexander. Not enough time had been spent together to determine that (thankfully). I had noticed a clear and defining moment in our relationship in which things changed. Not by me. But by him. I have no idea what the trigger was, but from then on, I was not as happy. I felt so much more lonely being in a relationship than I ever had when I was single. Yes, all five years of singledom. I know being single again is for the best.
I think I got so caught up in finding someone that fit all my dating criteria, even the criteria I no longer used since I did not think any man out there could obtain them. I was so excited to find this unicorn that I overlooked the things in the relationship that made me unhappy. He is not my unicorn. If he was, we'd work it out. I would be happy. I look back on the things that made me unhappy and should have known it was doomed. Luckily, not a substantial amount of time was spent together (in the grand scheme of life). But it still hurts on some level. I still cried. I still feel tinges of desolation in that it took me a solid three years of being single, with absolutely no human contact whatsoever to even find this one person to be in a relationship for two months, that I feel at times I may as well give up. Waiting another three years for rejection is hard to accept. So I won't. I will not accept defeat. I'm gonna put myself out there, come what may.
Today I saw a
crow flying. It was in place, not
moving. The wind was so strong that it
was not making forward progress. But it
kept trying. Flapping its wings in the
air. I watched it as I drove by. It was still trying forward momentum when I
passed it by. I hope, that at some point
in my life, when I am trying so hard to move forward and going nowhere, that I
have enough common sense to stop.
Rest. And redirect.
Later in the
day, I was pulled over to the side of the road.
A breeze was blowing leaves across the road. I saw a cat running out chasing the
leaves. It brought a smile to my face. J
Tuesday
I have some of the most amazing friends ever. When I
call them upset about being dumped, they immediately corral and take me out
that same night. They buy my drinks. They make me laugh and smile.
The others, they offer to break legs. To bring lye. To dig
holes. Thank you friends. I love you.
I went climbing last night. I had not been climbing in
2 weeks. Wow! That makes a huge difference. I made it to the
top of a few routes, but they were the easy ones. They still felt
difficult though. My friend invited me to be on her triathlon relay team.
YAY! I get to finally be on a team and swim. I am so super
stoked! I get to swim again and train. Therefore, I need to amp up
my climbing time to improve my upper body strength. I need to go to the
Rec Center and start swimming again.
After living in Idaho for going on seven years, I finally saw
a doctor that specialises in something I have. My work schedule and their
inability to accept new patients prevented me from seeing one earlier. My
mind was blown. There were so many new innovations. New ways of
treatment. Different options available to me. I loved it. I
am excited to try new things and learn about things I did not know existed or
were an option. At one point, the doctor was asking me about a
detrimental thing that happens. I advised they happen to me as well and I
address it as required. Doctor asked if people I live with are aware.
I told her I live by myself. She asked if I at least have a dog.
I told her my work schedule was not conducive to pet ownership. She
said nothing. She even refrained from pursing her lips. I could
tell she was not thrilled. I told her I had morbid thoughts of dying due
to what I have and no one noticing for a long time, at least till it was too
late if I did need help. She then told me about service dogs. I
dismissed it. But I have been putting more and more thought into it.
And I think I'd like to research the possibilities more. Especially
with regards to work. How can I bring it to work? And would I be
allowed to? And if I could, could I use it through/at work as well?
Hmmmm. More thoughts are needed on this.
I asked the doctor about support groups for people like me:
with what I have and who are super active and do endurance-based events.
There are not many of us. She advised she only had about 2 other
patients that are active and could ask them if I could contact them with
questions. She said that people with what I have are not all that common
and then to do the activity things that I do are so rare and few and far
between that there's no support groups out there for us. Alas. I
shall have to work on changing that!
Went wheeling up Tiddie Springs on Sunday. My celebration and big F you to anyone that thinks getting dumped will keep me down. I had the smallest rig. But it appeared one of the most capable. Then again, I was also at the end of the line and thus not breaking trail in the snow. Eventually we had to turn around. The snow got too deep. Trail melted and became a muddy mess. My Jeep is covered in mud. Ugh.
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