Slicing and Dicing!

You are now reading the words from a non-uterus owner!  Yes, you read that right.  I no longer have a uterus.  I had a total laproscopic hysterectomy and partial left salpingo-oophorectomy.  I'm not going to tell you what the latter part means.  Go google it.  I just love the way it sounds when said.

I'm into day 5 of recovery.  I find it very frustrating trying to balance taking medication for pain so that one does not feel nauseated, dizzy and overall blah.  I am on my second kind of pain med since the first made me feel so ill, even with an anti-nausea medication.  Yesterday I was bedridden since I had vertigo much of the day.  I was so disappointed I was not able to enjoy the almond milk iced mocha I purchased earlier in the day.  It now sits in the refrigerator awaiting my consumption of it...24h+ after it was made.  Yesterday I made my first journey away from the hotel.  My mom flew in last week to care for me during recovery.  Which I greatly appreciate.  Mommies are pretty darn awesome.

She took me to a craft store so that I could get coloring books and pencils so that I had some form of entertainment other than watching TV.  We finished a puzzle together a few days ago.  I am quite limited in my physical activities.  Walking around the craft store zonked me out.  Especially since I was trying to avoid the vertigo threatening to take over.

While I was in the hospital recovering over night.  I organized my mom's 65th birthday celebration.  I had some friends pick her up and take her to a restaurant.  I wrapped her presents the weekend before and dropped them off with that friend.  A bunch of my other friends that met them at the restaurant and they celebrated in style.  I am glad I was able to do at least this small thing for my mom considering all the time and effort she is putting into helping me recover.

Things I have learned regarding hysterectomies:

• The ability to poop is a Godsend once you're able to do it.
• Apparently the uterus is attached to back muscles. Therefore, its removal causes back pain.
• Having stitches in your bellybutton is amusing to me....
• Pain medication side effects are almost as bad as not taking pain medication.
• I have respect for the nursing profession, but do not appreciate nurses that lack common sense or lack the ability to think independently.
• Burning off fibroids throughout your internal organs results in lots of bruising...of all different colors.
• Post-op feels like you did the hardest ab workout of your life.
• Recovery almost feels like having a period again: your vag spews blood and your internal organs are not happy and cramp up.  But at least this is it.  NO MORE menstruation!

But seriously, the trying to poop part is the most frustrating.  The doctor advises that you should not push since that would hurt your newly abused insides.  Well, being on pain pills makes you constipated.  I have never sat on the toilet that long in my life.  Goddamned deer turd poops just sitting there in your bowels waiting to come out, too far along to go back in, but not enough moisture or oomph to shove them the rest of the way out.  Ugh.  My newly abused insides hurt after that one.  The next time, I came prepared and brought a movie on a Kindle.  Still horribly uncomfortable.  Butt cheeks going numb from the pressure, hahaha! Here's to hoping it goes better this time.

Multiple friends have come over to visit me.  Last night a friend and her husband came over.  He fixed the dvd player and she and I colored in our coloring books.  It was great.  Another friend brought her dog over so that I could see and pet him since I was in dog withdrawals.  Another came over and dropped off her Kindle so that I could read books on a bigger screen and watch movies. (I watched Furious Seven on it last night. :-P).  A bunch of coworkers have brought dinners over in the evenings, too.  I am so thankful for having such a great and supportive group of friends and coworkers.  Words cannot truly describe my thanks to all of them for their support while I recover.

I signed up for the Zion Half Marathon in March 2016.  I am so grateful for my Team RWB brethren.  I mentioned wanting to do this event and enough people said they would do it that we now have an official team for the event and I their captain.  How exciting!

I realized that I did not mention the Soda Fire much on my previous post.  Much of it occurred in Owyhee County and devastated a massive region of rugged beauty.  An area I hold very dear to myself in an almost spiritual level.  So to helplessly watch it burn broke my heart.  I know the logical part of me knows that fires are a natural occurrence in nature and that they are merely a part of the live and rebirth cycle in nature.  But it still does not help watching it burn.  The sky was lit up at night by the fires only 20mi away (thank you to the Snake River for being a natural fire block to us more north).

A wildland firefighter caught a video of a fire tornado out on scene fighting the Soda Fire: http://news.nationalgeographic.com/2015/08/150819-fire-tornado-video-idaho-wild-fires-soda-fire/

~280,000+ acres, or ~440 sq mi burned in the Soda fire.  Here is a follow up video by  a local news agency about the efforts that will be taken to try to "rehab" the land: http://www.ktvb.com/story/news/local/2015/08/26/feds-soda-fire-rehab/32432551/

I will never forget the impact of this photo.  It was taken the day the Soda Fire started.  In fact, that is the very same storm in the background of the photo.  I remember having to rush the photo since the radio was blaring at me to get the Eff off the mountain due to a severe storm coming my way.  Luckily, I made it into Rocky Canyon when the storm hit, so I was barely molested by rain, much less the 50+mph winds.  Nonetheless, here it is, the Soda Fire storm caught in all its glory in my currently fav photo of my baby and toys.

But in summary...on day 9 of my recovery, since it has taken me almost a week to write this post, I am still sore (less so) and tire frequently.  I get frustrated at my lack of doing normal every day activities.  And I stress about not exercising and eating and thus gaining weight and losing all the work I have done to myself for months.  Yeah.  A little depressed and stressed about that part- getting fat.  Fuck you fat.

My mom has been wonderful.  Her reminders of my limitations are annoying, but I know I need to hear them and that she is right.  I need to take it easy.  Doing nothing now will help ensure I can do more sooner than later.  My mom is awesome.  I appreciate her so much and am thankful for all she has done to help me out these past ten days.  As I write this now, she is diligently croching an additional onto an afghan she made me as a high school graduation present...almost 15 years ago. :-)

Grand Teton Relay and Team RWB

Mightier and Mighter, ever I go!

My new motto.  I came to a realization this weekend.  I work out and work out and keep myself in check if I miss a work out or feel that I have not worked hard enough.  I set goals, which in my case, are events that I pay for to compete or participate in.  These goals help me maintain and improve my health status.  But in my mind, I never work hard enough.  I can always do better.  Go faster.  Lift more.  Carry heavier things.  Do more reps.  And so on.

Pre-start team photo.

This weekend I participated in the Grand Teton Relay with my favourite group of adventure-driven people- Team RWB.  I had never been to the Grand Tetons and heard they were utterly breath-taking and worth a visit.  The race started in Ashton, ID, just outside of West Yellowstone (the West entrance to Yellowstone NP).  Our team was made up of 12 members, each of us running three separate legs for a total of ~179mi, thus ending in Jackson, WY (i.e. Jackson Hole, the ski/winter resort).  Six people in two “vans” starting early Friday morning and were given roughly 36 hours to get to the finish line.  The 36h starts when the first wave goes at 0530h on Fri.  We started at 0800 and thus had three less hours to get to the finish line than those that started earlier.  I ran legs 12, 24, and 36 (the last leg).  According to the race course map, I ran:

· 12: Robinson Creek (4.2mi)- moderate

· 24: Targee Upper (3.2mi)- very hard

· 36: Paradise City (4.9mi)- easy

· Total: 12.3mi

http://www.grandtetonrelay.com/course.php

Van 2 shenanigans!

We left immediately after I worked an entire shift at work on Thurs and drove through the night in a Chevy Suburban packed with eight people and all their gear and the needed supplies for the next two days.  Needless to say, the drive over was terribly uncomfortable and not good for morale.  It did not help that my uterus was having a battle inside me, spewing forth its vomitus menses and making my hormonal level make a sine curve look mild.  We arrived late/early and had shit for sleep outside Ashton High School.  I ended up waiting almost 14h before I ran my first leg, somewhere in the mountains on a trail, at night in the pitch dark mostly alone.  Granted, the van we were in was considered a support vehicle, stopping along the way with the runners providing provisions (water, electrolytes, etc.), this was not very possible on my leg of the run on the narrow dirt road.  Did I mention it rained/poured earlier, so the trail was like running through sludgy snot?

The ladies of the event.



I bet that road would be breath-taking during the daylight.  From what I could tell, I was running on a ridgeline.  To my right was thick forest.  To my left it seemed to drop off to a void.  I went mostly down at a slight grade for the first half, crossed a bridge and then up for the last half.  Let me tell you, trying to run in sludge is not easy.  And then you throw in mist from the recent rains and your breath condensing in the cold air in front of you, causing your little head light view to be blurry is not an easy thing to do.  Now add in not just one, but two cattle guard crossings…at night, running, and wet and not maintained, makes for an interesting run.  It was possibly one of the most spiritual things I have ever done.  I could not see the stars due to my headlight.  But I saw them before I started.  Running in the dark at night by yourself in a place with creatures that put you on the food chain (I was supposed to carry bear spray with me) and pushing yourself to do as best you can is a wonderful experience.  I think everyone should try it.  Once I saw the “1 mile left” sign, I decided that I would run as hard as I could to get to the finish.  I nearly threw up when I passed on my GTR snap wrist band to the next runner.  Whew!  I did it!....now only 2 legs left, wooo!

 Just before leg 1 for me.

 Sunrise before leg 2 for me.

I got about 2h of sleep in the Chevy after that before we were up again going through our legs.  I got to see the sun set and the sun rise in/at the mountains on Fri to Sat.  Watching the sun rise over the Tetons with my teammates running carrying the American Flag is a great thing to behold.  I am so proud of them.  Each transition had at least one port-a-potty at it.  I made use of each and every transition for the most part to make sure I was empty by the time I go to my turn to run.  Few things are as bad as needing to poo while running in a race.  I did not have time to buy food before the race due to work, so my teammates generously let me eat theirs.  By the time I got to my second leg, the combination of irregular eating and sleeping and nerves, I got diaheria(sp) and a terrible stomach ache.  My teammate stood there with me while I waited for our other teammate to arrive to pass on the bracelet to me.  This leg was to be the hardest run I have ever done: 3.2 miles going up Ski Hill Road to Grand Targhee with an elevation increase of roughly 780’.  This was a leg where the van could not support me.  I had to carry all my own supplies.  



The run was beautiful.  The higher I went, the better the scenery.  Gorgeous!  I could see for miles all around.  My goal was to finish in an hour.  I told my teammate since I felt so terrible, I would probably walk most of it.  Well, once I got started, I just could not simply give in and walk.  So I started to run.  And I did not stop…much.  A few times my legs simply could not go on.  I had to slow a bit to recoop my energy.  But never for long.  I thought my breathing would be rough, especially due to the higher altitude I was running at, but it was my legs that kept tiring out.  My calves were tightening up.  I got to the “1 mile left” sign and decided to push it for all I had worth.  But the road kept curving and I kept expecting the finish to appear at some point.  I had to walk a few more times.  THEN I SAW IT!  THE FINISH!!!!  I was so happy.  I was so tired.  No, beyond tired, I was exhausted.  I sprinted for it.  And then, in all my excitement to see and get to the finish, I started to cry and began to hyperventilate.  I collapsed.  Yup.  I fell to my hands and knees.  The volunteer ran to me as I began to crawl on my hands and knees to the finish.  I would be damned if I was not going to finish that hellaciously hard leg.  My teammates ran to me.  They helped pick me up as I was sobbing and hyperventilating.  BUT I DID IT!  I CROSSED THAT GODDAMNED FINISH LINE!!!  Thanks to my teammates for cheering and helping me along.  I sat and tried to get my breath.  Someone threw a fur coat on my shoulders.  And then it happened.  My teammate told me my time.  I was prepared for one hour or more.  But nope.  IT WAS 49 MINUTES!!!  I ran that fucker in only 49minutes!!  It was one of the happiest most satisfying moments of my life.  I got my breath back.  Hugged my teammates who were the main reason I ran so hard.  I did not want to disappoint them.  I wanted to run for them.  And I did.  I ran for them and myself.  I could not be happier with my “performance.”

 

 

One of my fav pics: Ladies of Van 2!  Just before two of them run down the steep ass mountain.

Van 2 represent!  At Grand Targhee after I recovered enough to stand. 

Then we got a brief break.  Ate our first real meal in almost 1.5 days.  Napped in a city park.  And attempted to relax as best we could before our last legs of the race.  Due to the time it took us to run the race so far, we had to cut short some of our runs for this last part in order to make it to the finish line in time.  The two hardest legs of the entire race ran straight up WY Hwy 22 at a 10% grade.  My teammate that did this carried the American flag with him.  I was so proud of him.  I watched him doing this and felt my chest swell with pride for Team RWB and him for making such a sacrifice.  So many bystanders and participants asked us about Team RWB and thanked us for carrying the flag.  I am glad to have found such a great group of people to spend time with and accomplish awesome adventures alongside.  When he got to the top, the next ones ran down that 10% for 5.8mi.  Ho. Lee. Shyte!  Beast mode!!

Then I ran some with the next runner, while eating cheese.  We got to use a flushing toilet before that.  Our first one in almost 2 days!  It was glorious.  Then it was go time.  I got to run along a greenbelt carrying the American flag for the last leg of our momentous journey.  People went by me and thanked me.  Cars drove by and honked and waved.  I was carrying the flag.  I was so tired.  I wanted to walk.  There was no shade.  But I was not giving up.  I could do it.  I was representing something to be thankful and hopeful for.  I was going to be the best representative I could be.  I was not giving in!  My teammate joined me.  Then it was time for the entire team to join us so we could cross the finish line together.  I was in front, carrying the flag high.  I sprinted that shit.  My chest swelled with pride.  People were cheering us on.  We did it!!!  179 miles done!  FUCK YES!

 http://www.theguardian.com/sport/blog/2009/feb/28/joy-of-six-triathlon

Thank you Team RWB and Grand Teton Relay race organisers for such a wonderful event.  It was monumental.  I will never forget it.  I accomplished things I never thought possible.  I surpassed my very expectations.  I am better than I give myself credit for.  And my teammates are more beastly than I thought possible.  They are such a kind and caring group of people that truly know the meaning of teamwork.  Thank you Van 2 teammates!  And thanks Teammate for the Julie Moss comparison.  Not quite, my friend.  But I am flattered nonetheless. J

Van 2 members under the antler arch in Jackson, WY.
I may or may not be on here much in the next few weeks.  My hysterectomy is this week.  We shall see how I feel and how lucid I am afterward.

Fire and Ovaries

It appears that I am not very good at updating this when I do not have access to the internet via my desktop.  My keyboard is covered in a layer of dust.  I suppose it does not help that I tend to leave the windows open all day and the temperature control settings on OFF.  Yeah.  It gets hot in here during the day.  But 95% of my waking time is not spent at home.  Which is why tiny home/trailer living suits me so well.  Home is for sleeping and storing your moderate to consistently used items.  If I had my choice, I would live in the lush green mountains off grid far away from civilization, completely sustainable (or as best I can be with occasional trips to visit other people that I like and stock up on supplies).



And here I sit. My last period ever.  Yes.  In less than ten days I will be the proud non-owner of a uterus, fallopian tube and ovary.  I do not like the idea of surgery, but I like the idea of being in excruciating pain to the point of considering suicide even less.  Therefore, let it be so.  I hope to be a more functional employee as a result, too.  My mommy is flying in to town to care for me.  These are the things to consider when you live on your own and are single- major surgery recovery.  Since my surgery will eclipse her birthday, I am planning to have some friends take her out to celebrate while I am laid up in the hospital recovering.



I had my pre-op appointments yesterday.  I kid you not, I had to sign a form at both the OB/GYN and the hospital acknowledging that my hysterectomy will prevent me from having children.  Well no shit Sherlock.  Seriously?  I even asked what the point of the form was.  The nurse stated they have had people request a hysterectomy and plan for one and not realise they would not be able to bear children afterward.  W. T. F. !!!!  If that is the case, they need to be fast tracked through the process!



Today has ended on a melancholy note for me.  While at work, I could see smoke billowing from the Owyhee Mountains south of us.  Not a little bit of smoke.  I mean, cover the sky and blot out the sun for the whole day amount of smoke.  Now that the sun has set, I can see the scope of the fires.  According to the news, as of a few hours ago, the fire has grown to 78,000+ acres.  As I was driving home from Ms. Prince’s home (she lets me do laundry there), I could see almost the entire ridgeline alight with fire.  Keep in mind, that ridge line is about 75-100mi away (give or take 20mi).  The night sky is lit up with the fire and the length of it looks to be at least 25-40mi long along the ridgeline.  It is both a beautiful and saddening sight to behold.  I read about fires destroying areas every year.  Heck last year, fires destroyed much of the Pine and Featherville and Trinity Lakes area.  But those are not areas I visit often.  I visit the Owyhees multiple times a month.  They are some of my most visited and favoured areas.  And now they are on fire.  I am sad for their potential loss.  I am happy for their rebirth and growth.  But some of those sagebrush are 100s of years old.  And they will be blacked stumps.  The area will be fried to a windy dry dust.  No shade.  Just…blacks and grays.  *sigh*  I guess this fire is hitting close to home and I feel the loss of land ravaged by it.  Hopefully it does not move farther north.  I do not have a truck to move my home if it comes to that.  Nor will I be in town from Thurs-Sun. 

http://www.ktvb.com/story/news/local/2015/08/11/soda-fire-threatens-ranches-near-idaho-oregon-border/31509207/


There is so much more to write, but it is WAY past my bed time and I am tired.  Hopefully I will get a chance to update again soon!

Random Thoughts

Not much to update.  Just felt like updating while I watch Fifty Shades of Grey for the umpteenth time.  I know it is a truly hokey film and storyline.  So what.  I still find it highly entertaining.  I love the soundtrack.  And as a single person, I enjoy the erotic scenes.  Yup.  Eye candy.  Mmmmm.  I also thoroughly enjoy watching Magic Mike.  Yessiree, I have little to no taste in films.  And I do not give a damn. :-D



At the doctor, I had the gumption to actually see my weight.  It gave me a smile from ear to ear.  Yes, it is just a number.  But now it is a number showing off my accomplishments and hard work.  In fact, as I type this, my forearms are quite sore from my modified brick workout that I did here at the retirement park.  I got a few funny looks from some of the residents as I was biking around wearing my ruck.  The best look was from a woman with her grandson.  I was in the pool, wearing my full gear holding my ruck over my head walking laps.  Her look of utter disdain makes me smile.  She made a point to ignore my existence for the rest of her visit there.  I enjoyed it.  Especially when running laps around in the park, followed by more bike laps and more pool PT.  Bwhahaha!



I usually try to abstain from writing anything political or hot-topic-worthy in my blog.  But I just have to say how happy I am that SCOTUS (Supreme Court of the U.S.) ruled in favour of gay marriage this past month.  If that statement makes any reader think less of me or not wish to follow me anymore, so be it.  I make it a point in life to surround myself with positive thinking people who wish for the world to be a better place and think with an open mind.  I would like to think I have accomplished that quite well, with the occasional outlier occurrence. Meh.  That’s life.  It happens.



With that being said.  I feel people should have the same opportunity to make their lives happy or miserable and that includes being married.  I could care less if people want to marry themselves, inanimate objects, never marry or marry someone of the same or opposite gender, or even gender-less.  This is close to my heart as a female who people oftentimes mistake or assume is gay.  I assume this is based on my appearance and general hobbies/interests.  Nor does it or should it matter if I am or not.  I dislike feminine-identified things such as dresses, make-up and the color pink.  I prefer pants, grease and the color blue.  I dislike cooking, submissiveness and using a filter in everyday speak.  I love off-roading, fixing things, being dominant and swearing ALL THE TIME.  Are those listed attributes masculine or feminine?  And why does it matter?  They are attributes.  They have their time and place in people’s lives and society.  And it should not matter in least if a man likes to sew or a boy plays with dolls or if a woman is a professional boxer and a girl likes to build with Legos.  People are who they are.  And if what they do makes them happy and harms no one else, then let them be.



I would also like to point out that even though I am a very masculine female, it does not mean I wish I was a man.  Nope.  I am a woman.  I identify as a woman.  And I am glad to be a woman.  Granted, I will be even happier after my anti-baby surgery.  Woo!  I just wish people/society did not hold such rigid norms so dear and seem to fight tooth and nail when they threaten to change.  Silly closed-minded people.  The world changes.  It progresses over time.  That is the natural way of things./endrant

In other news, I will be in a dear friend's wedding in Aug. She ok'd me to wear pants. Yay!  I am thinking something like this (but more me style):

4th of July: For the Love of My Country

Sorry it has been so long since my last post.  I find it very difficult to keep this consistent when I have no internet connection to my desktop.  But never fear, each day I think of things I want to write about.  And then a few hours later, I promptly forget them, hahaha!



First of all, I am very thankful for my neighbors and where I live.  My hose connecting my water to the main connection developed a leak.  I did not have time to get some sealant to fix the problem.  So the manager shut off the water for me.  And some friends here fixed the entire end for me.  And then, one weekend that I went out kayaking, I realized I could not close the doors to the Jeep with the kayak up there.  So my elderly neighbor across the street helped me take them off.  His wife later came over and said I totally made his day by asking him for help and making him feel useful.  This evening, it began to rain, so I had him help me get them back on.  I have great neighbors.  The wife across the street said that they enjoy me being around and that my spirit and smile makes their day.  I must remember to find more things for them to help me with to make them feel more useful.  I truly enjoy helping people, even if I am a curmudgeon.



It has been so long since I used this computer that my keyboard is covered in grime and dust, bwahahaha!



Last weekend, over the Fourth of July, I had one of the best experiences of my life to date.  I cannot begin to describe the tumult of emotions I went through and the pain and suffering my body endured.  But I would not change it for the world.  It was beyond words.  It was wonderful.  I completed my first GoRuck Challenge in Seattle, WA from Friday 3 July at 2100h to Saturday 4 July at 0900h.  It was 12h of the hardest  physical endurance I have ever done.  And you know what, my body pulled through!  In fact, it probably could have kept going.  There were times that my mind wanted my body to ease up.  To stop for a break.  But I endured.  And I have my team mates to thank for that.  At the start, I knew only four others in our group.  Five of us, all women, came up from Boise as a part of Team RWB.  The rest of the team consisted of men from the Seattle area.  By the time our Challenge completed, I consider each and every one of those people to be friends.  We all suffered together.  We held each other up.  We took weight from one other to carry the burden equally.  We worked together like a finely tuned machine.  And when we started to break down, our ever present Cadre was there to kick our asses back in line via PT.  



Oh the joys of PT.  Our Welcoming Party was a lovely 90min of pure hell.  Ninety minutes of non-stop PT.  I realized a few things about myself during that time.  That no matter how much I trained, I was not ready for that level of PT.  It kicked my ass.  I wanted to vomit so badly.  I also learned that I need to work on my buddy carry.  Attempting to pick up 190lb man wearing a 40lb ruck, while I am also wearing a 40lb ruck was not easy.  Our Cadre eventually had us do the carry on the ground.  One partner had their ruck on their stomach while lying on the ground and looped their hands over their face while the other partner fit his/her head through it and pulled the one on the ground forward.  No easy task.  And absolutely no sense of personal space when your face is mere inches from the other person’s and you’re gasping and grunting and sweating all over them.  I call it team building.  And that’s exactly what it was.



We each took turns being a pair of team leaders throughout the night.  We had to navigate the city from one check point to the other in a set amount of time.  If we arrived late, then there was a PT penalty.  If we arrived early, we got a break.  And oh man, I have a new hill of hate and discontent: Queen Anne St.  We climbed the whole damn thing.  Our end goal for that march was Carey Park.  And the view leaving it was utterly spectacular.  Seattle at ~0100h lit up is breath-taking, especially when you are shivering cold from standing in the spray of frigid sprinklers having an MRE eating contest, losing and then doing PT.

 Each of us carrying some additional weight: 

· Slosh pipe: PVC pipe ~10-15’ long filled with water.  Carried by no more than 2 people at a time.

· Two 5-gal tan water containers.  They started out full at the beginning and were gradually emptied as we filled our own water supply at each break.

· Team weight: 25-lb 5-strand loop of heavy chains

· Driftwood log: this was a shorter term carry, but weighed a fuck ton.  Up to 4 people helped carry it.

If any of the weight fell or touched the ground before approval, we had to stop and do PT.



Sometime, after our silent march, we made it to the bay and did PT in the water (Pacific Ocean?  Seattle Bay?).  That was after we did a fairly hellish PT on the pebbly beach.  Emphasis on pebbly = painful.  The LOVE TUNNEL.  This is where you are in the bear crawl position in a close line.  The person at the end then crawls on their stomach under everyone else until they get to the end and then get back into the bear crawl position.  Everyone does this as we go down the line.  Oh, keep in mind, everyone is still wearing their ruck.  Yes, everyone.  Not easy.  At all.  Blood ensued.



One of my favourite parts was when we made it to the Space Needle.  Daylight finally occurred.  But we still had many hours left to go.  Cadre had us do the bear crawl sans rucks around a round ball-like water fountain.  We got wet.  It was nice.  It was a break.  It was fun.  I stripped down to my sports bra.  First time in public doing that and comfortable enough to do so.  It was a monumental moment.  It was with people I trusted.  People like family.  Together, we are billy badasses!



After that we marched around some more.  Climbed up to the Fenton Bridge Troll.  Took group photos.  Impressed the general public and then one more leg left.  A few more miles.  YES!  And of course, the cadre throws a doozy in there.  A casualty carry!  FUGH!  At the end of our strength, we now have to eliminate one member, carry them in a sling AND their ruck.  It nearly broke me.  I only made it halfway before I tapped out to carry something else.  I felt incredibly bad.  I ended up being the final flag carrier.  We marched into Woodland Park, me in the lead proudly flying the American Flag.  We did a victory lap singing “God Bless America” (terribly) in the park.  When almost done, a car we were approaching stopped.  The driver got out.  She stood at attention and saluted us.  It was amazing.  I felt so privileged at that moment.  It made the grueling pain worth every second.  We were working and building together as a team for the American Dream.  To honor those fallen to give us our Freedoms today.  Not just those recently fallen, but those that fell in the American Revolution.



I thank you to the bottom of my heart for your service, to both those that have fallen and those still engaged in their service to our country. J



I had so much fun, that I plan to do more GoRuck adventures.  Hannibal’s athletic life goals (in no particular order):



· Make it to the World Games for the Highland Games

· Complete a GoRuck Heavy event

· Complete the Normandie GoRuck event

· Finish a Half Ironman (relay or not)

· Get my Spartan Trifecta (I could care less if done in the same year)



This is a totally doable list.  It will involve a lot of prep work.  And pain and suffering.  But that is part of the path to the goal.  Wooo!

Filling the Void

Do you ever feel that you are destined for more in life than the state you are currently in, in it?  I feel this quite often.  I especially feel it after I participate in some event or another.  Things in life seem more mundane to me.  Everyday activities such as working to earn money in order to stay afloat to pay bills, rent, insurance, etc, grocery shopping, mowing the lawn, all seem shallow to me.  Why do we do these activities, simply to be miserable and/or stay in the cycle day in and day out.



Participating in the activities that I do reminds me that there is more to life than the everyday mundane that society tells us that is important.  I want to do more.  I want to be more.  I know I make a difference to my friends and have an impact on my community.  I know I am a positive influence in the world around me.  But something just seems to be missing.  It is the MORE.  I want MORE.  I want to live on the edge.  I want to be adventuring.  I want to make a bigger difference.  I want to stop being an automaton.  I miss the feeling of being in my adventure/race/competition/team-building activity.  I miss the adrenaline I feel.  I miss the pain my body is in later when all is said and done with.  I miss the feeling of the unknown I get when I engage in these activities.  



Now that I live on a smaller scale, it puts things in perspective.  It helps me realise what I truly need and what I want.  I can live on a very minimal amount of things.  When I drive around and see the scale that some people live on, I feel empty for them, whether they feel it or not.  Granted, I also appreciate people who do live on a larger scale and open their doors to me.  So, it is a Catch-22 of sorts.  If they are happy living the lives they have, then more power to them.  I am happy they are happy.  I am not saying that I am unhappy.  That could not be farther from the truth.  I love the life I am leading.  It is very happy and fulfilling.  But there is just that “but…” hanging there for me.  I cannot quite put it into words.  It is a feeling.



Sometimes I wonder if I am supposed to feel guilty or less complete because I have no desire for children or marriage.  I am happy being me.  I do not feel guilty or less complete, but there is a nag I sometimes feel.  Not an internal one.  It is a perceived external one: That I am a selfish human being for not engaging in or doing those things (kids and marriage).  I do admittedly get a tinge of envy when a friend talks about their significant other.  I am a bit jealous of people that can and do date, simply since I seem to lack that human gene for flirtation and attraction.  But the funny thing is that I do not desire to be in a relationship.  I think that it would complicate my already schedule-filled life.  And I have little desire for the emotional bits associated with dating.  I like be level-headed and on an even keel 99% of the time.  Or maybe it is my perception that the world is full of over-crazy singletons that thrive on drama.  Either way.  Meh.  Come what may is what I say.



I know one thing is true- I miss the feeling of being part of a team and a valued member at work.  My bubble has burst.  I often catch myself feeling left out and jealous of the camaraderie shown on my team, in which I was not included.  As a person who views my coworkers to be members of my family, this feeling of being snubbed hurts more than I admit to myself.  I then go to events with my RWB family and I feel completely included and part of a valued member of a family.  It is ok to hug one another.  To cheer one another on.  To shove someone’s ass up and over an obstacle.  To crack jokes and hold hands.  This is all completely permissible behavior in a completely friendly teammate manner.  And I love this.  I feel a part of a team again.  I feel important and included and what I have to say and am is valued.  I mourn the loss of my feeling of inclusiveness of my work family, but have gained another wonderful family that helps push me to be a better (more badass) person and athlete.  Love me some Team RWB.



Which brings me back to my feeling of wanting more in life.  I see my friends start their families and move on in life.  And then there is me.  Same old simple single me.  My life is ever moving forward with the occasional backward movement.  I progress as others’ do, too.  Yet.  I have a hole in my life.  I do not know what this hole is or how exactly to fill it.  I am not saying I want to go Chris McCandless on my life.  That is not my intent at all.  And if I ever met him (in some alternate universe), I’d probably visualize smacking him in the face for the anguish he put his family through.  Although his plan to live off the land in the middle of the wilds of Alaska does appeal greatly to me.  Very much so.  I want to learn the skills necessary to live off the land.  To grow and cultivate and hunt my own food.  To prepare and store it.  To make my tools.  To make use of the land and tools around me to survive.  To have little waste and not rely on digital technology.  To read the weather and learn to follow a trail of game.  Become a learned predator to my prey.  These are things I dream of, yet have not engaged in the ability to achieve them at all.



Money is the woes of life.  My debt is debilitating.  College may have taught me much and given me letters behind my name, but the debt I incurred to get those letters is terrible.  The debt incurred to survive in this world as I know it has caused me to lead a life I feel is less fulfilling in the grand scheme of things.  I imagine the possibilities and adventures I could go on if I was debt free.  Those thoughts make me happy.  As I sit here in the sweltering heat, all my windows open hoping for a little cross wind to make the heat a little less stifling, all so that I do not turn on the A/C, which will add cost to my power bill.  Yes, I am that person.  I will suffer if it means I can save a few bucks.  I try to bike to work as often as I can so that I can save on gas on my gas-guzzling behemoth of a Jeep, aka “the love of my life and cause of much of my happiness.”  I sometimes wash my clothes by hand so that I will not have to use quarters to pay for a machine that does a sub-standard cleaning job in the first place. 



I actually have a possible solution to my feeling of wanting more and easement of my debt.  It is an idea that has occasionally popped into my head now and then.  But I disregarded it for specific reasons.  And now I hear those reasons may have been unfounded.  So now I am intrigued.  I shall have to do much research.  But the thoughts of this idea becoming a reality cause me great anticipation.  Yes, it is legal.  So no worries about that.  More research is needed before formulating a plan of action.  And we all know how much I love to research things.  So.  Wish me luck!  I may have a plan! :-)

A Spartan and a Beast

Sorry it has been so long since my last post. This not having the internet except on my phone bit really sucks. I think my last few posts with pics were done at Ms. Prince's house on her laptop. On some level, it is nice being so disconnected. But on another level it is very frustrating.

Much has happened in the last bit of time. Today was dedicated to no adulting. At all. And i failed miserably at it. Instead, i scrubbed the trailer, floors and all. Which i am sad to admit that it is disappointingly easy and fast to clean my entire abode. No challenge to it. Booo. I weeded. I got my mail. And i grocery shopped. Bah! Instead of a recovery day from the abuse i put it through yesterday, today my body was on the go. I lack the ability to be sloth.

Yesterday i completed my first Spartan (sprint) race. And it was hella hard. I did it with Team RWB. And if it were not for my amazing and supportive teammates, I am not sure I would have made it through. They pushed and pulled my ass up and over tall walls we had to scale, up slippery muddy embankments, encouraged me while trudging up long steep mountain hills, shared in the pain of doing a shit ton of burpees and partook in great camradrie through the entire event. We stayed together as a team. Even though I know most of them could have gone on and finished much faster, they chose to match the pace of the slowest of us and continue to help and cheer everyone on. We trudged and sloughed and ran and pulled and squelched and coughed (fucking evil light airy dust everywhere) and splashed and jumped and climbed together. It was fantastic!

I was so exhausted by the time we finished. It took us about 4h to go 4.2mi and do 21 obstacles and gain roughly 1250' in elev. We all crossed the finish line together- jumping over fire and into a deep mud pit. We are fucking badass! Thank you Team RWB!

Last weekend I did the Bruneau Beast 5k. Fuck. That was hard, too! I went by myself and camped the night before. It took me 1h to run that 5k. It was soft sand for 99% of the race. We ran atop the sand dunes on the ridgeline single file. I was almost on the ass of the woman in front of me just so i could put my feet exactly where hers were. The dunes were so steep that we walked up them. It took much of my energy and willpower to keep going and not stop. If i did then the line of people behind me would have been disrupted or i would have had to step off the ridge line. Oh hell no! I'd slide down! They were hella steep dunes.

Us 5kers got to run down the Beast Dune. Yup. All almost 900' of straight down. I sank into the sand almost past my calves. I ran so dang fast my shirt kept flying up, haha! And just when you think you're done at the race...there is another dune. Ack! At least it was smaller than the others, haha. I even managed to "sprint" exhaustedly to the finish. I ended up 88 of 233 overall and 14 of 44 in my age group. Not too shabby.

After the race I went to see Bruneau Canyon overlook. Talk about breath taking! It is the deepest canyon for its width in North America, I think. I will research more and add sources when I am on a computer (rather than this little phone).

At work, a few days before the 5k, i was head butted by an oh so lovely 200-300lb intact male horned Boer goat. Yup. It hurt. A lot. It is funny as all get up. But man, the bruises on my outer upper thigh were painful and impressive looking. Glad I was not hurt worse.

And now I am too tired to continue using this little single finger pointing keypad. I will try to add details later.