Do you ever feel that you are destined for more in life than the state you are currently in, in it? I feel this quite often. I especially feel it after I participate in some event or another. Things in life seem more mundane to me. Everyday activities such as working to earn money in order to stay afloat to pay bills, rent, insurance, etc, grocery shopping, mowing the lawn, all seem shallow to me. Why do we do these activities, simply to be miserable and/or stay in the cycle day in and day out.
Participating in the activities that I do reminds me that there is more to life than the everyday mundane that society tells us that is important. I want to do more. I want to be more. I know I make a difference to my friends and have an impact on my community. I know I am a positive influence in the world around me. But something just seems to be missing. It is the MORE. I want MORE. I want to live on the edge. I want to be adventuring. I want to make a bigger difference. I want to stop being an automaton. I miss the feeling of being in my adventure/race/competition/team-building activity. I miss the adrenaline I feel. I miss the pain my body is in later when all is said and done with. I miss the feeling of the unknown I get when I engage in these activities.
Now that I live on a smaller scale, it puts things in perspective. It helps me realise what I truly need and what I want. I can live on a very minimal amount of things. When I drive around and see the scale that some people live on, I feel empty for them, whether they feel it or not. Granted, I also appreciate people who do live on a larger scale and open their doors to me. So, it is a Catch-22 of sorts. If they are happy living the lives they have, then more power to them. I am happy they are happy. I am not saying that I am unhappy. That could not be farther from the truth. I love the life I am leading. It is very happy and fulfilling. But there is just that “but…” hanging there for me. I cannot quite put it into words. It is a feeling.
Sometimes I wonder if I am supposed to feel guilty or less complete because I have no desire for children or marriage. I am happy being me. I do not feel guilty or less complete, but there is a nag I sometimes feel. Not an internal one. It is a perceived external one: That I am a selfish human being for not engaging in or doing those things (kids and marriage). I do admittedly get a tinge of envy when a friend talks about their significant other. I am a bit jealous of people that can and do date, simply since I seem to lack that human gene for flirtation and attraction. But the funny thing is that I do not desire to be in a relationship. I think that it would complicate my already schedule-filled life. And I have little desire for the emotional bits associated with dating. I like be level-headed and on an even keel 99% of the time. Or maybe it is my perception that the world is full of over-crazy singletons that thrive on drama. Either way. Meh. Come what may is what I say.
I know one thing is true- I miss the feeling of being part of a team and a valued member at work. My bubble has burst. I often catch myself feeling left out and jealous of the camaraderie shown on my team, in which I was not included. As a person who views my coworkers to be members of my family, this feeling of being snubbed hurts more than I admit to myself. I then go to events with my RWB family and I feel completely included and part of a valued member of a family. It is ok to hug one another. To cheer one another on. To shove someone’s ass up and over an obstacle. To crack jokes and hold hands. This is all completely permissible behavior in a completely friendly teammate manner. And I love this. I feel a part of a team again. I feel important and included and what I have to say and am is valued. I mourn the loss of my feeling of inclusiveness of my work family, but have gained another wonderful family that helps push me to be a better (more badass) person and athlete. Love me some Team RWB.
Which brings me back to my feeling of wanting more in life. I see my friends start their families and move on in life. And then there is me. Same old simple single me. My life is ever moving forward with the occasional backward movement. I progress as others’ do, too. Yet. I have a hole in my life. I do not know what this hole is or how exactly to fill it. I am not saying I want to go Chris McCandless on my life. That is not my intent at all. And if I ever met him (in some alternate universe), I’d probably visualize smacking him in the face for the anguish he put his family through. Although his plan to live off the land in the middle of the wilds of Alaska does appeal greatly to me. Very much so. I want to learn the skills necessary to live off the land. To grow and cultivate and hunt my own food. To prepare and store it. To make my tools. To make use of the land and tools around me to survive. To have little waste and not rely on digital technology. To read the weather and learn to follow a trail of game. Become a learned predator to my prey. These are things I dream of, yet have not engaged in the ability to achieve them at all.
Money is the woes of life. My debt is debilitating. College may have taught me much and given me letters behind my name, but the debt I incurred to get those letters is terrible. The debt incurred to survive in this world as I know it has caused me to lead a life I feel is less fulfilling in the grand scheme of things. I imagine the possibilities and adventures I could go on if I was debt free. Those thoughts make me happy. As I sit here in the sweltering heat, all my windows open hoping for a little cross wind to make the heat a little less stifling, all so that I do not turn on the A/C, which will add cost to my power bill. Yes, I am that person. I will suffer if it means I can save a few bucks. I try to bike to work as often as I can so that I can save on gas on my gas-guzzling behemoth of a Jeep, aka “the love of my life and cause of much of my happiness.” I sometimes wash my clothes by hand so that I will not have to use quarters to pay for a machine that does a sub-standard cleaning job in the first place.
I actually have a possible solution to my feeling of wanting more and easement of my debt. It is an idea that has occasionally popped into my head now and then. But I disregarded it for specific reasons. And now I hear those reasons may have been unfounded. So now I am intrigued. I shall have to do much research. But the thoughts of this idea becoming a reality cause me great anticipation. Yes, it is legal. So no worries about that. More research is needed before formulating a plan of action. And we all know how much I love to research things. So. Wish me luck! I may have a plan! :-)
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