Life upates on Dad

Well, a lot has happened since my last post, which I forgot to share on Facebook.  It has been a month.  And boy howdy, what a busy time it has been. 

I flew to Portland for a GORUCK Halloween Tough and hang out with a friend that moved to the area over the summer.  I worked.  Then I flew to MN to see my parents and check on dad and help out mom.  Then I worked...for eight days straight.  Yes, eight days.  Which means, as of today, I worked 80h+ in a row.  Fuck me.  I am tired as shit.  So tired in fact, that this will most likely be a shitty post and not cover everything I want to cover.

Portland:
Flew in after work on a Thursday.  Hung out at friend's house Friday.  Developed migraine that progressively got worse and worse.  Went out to dinner.  Stopped at REI to pick up supplies the Cadre required at the last minute (dick).  Drove around downtown Portland, nearly peed myself while waiting to find parking spot.  Stopped at Powell's books.  Bought a book on diabetic athletes (yay!), which, of course, was on the top damned shelf and not easy to find.  Desperately tried to get cash back everywhere we went so that I could have the required $20 cash for the event.  Fucked.  Never did get it.  Only had $10.  Meanwhile, migraine kept getting worse.  Worse to the point I was getting vertigo and had been naseated for hours.  I called it.  I was miserable.  Went to friend's house and drank wine instead.  I am satisfied with my choice and do not regret it.

The next 3 days were spent hiking all over S Washington and the Mount Hood area.  Fucking fantastic.  I hiked about 20-25mi in those three days and had a wonderful time.  Sat Oct 29, my friend and I wore our Halloween costumes while hiking near Mount Hood to a beautiful waterfall.  Good times.

I wore my costume to the Portland airport and flew home wearing it.  Yup.  I'm badass.

Worked 4 days.  Then flew out ass fuck early the next day off to go to MN.  I was pissed.  I did not want to go to MN.  I felt obligated to go.  Mom subtly asked and I went.  I was angry at mom.  Why didn't she choose to end dad's suffering?  Why keep him alive while he wastes away to nothing and suffer and become something...something frail.  I did not want to see Dad.  He should have been somewhere peaceful and not suffering.  Not some sub-par nursing home far from home causing mom to commute at 0400h and not work or earn an income to be by his side almost every day.  Why?  I was angry.  And then I got to MSP airport and was stumped.  Now what?  Mom leaves her car near home and takes a train to the Twin Cities and then hops on the metro to commute places.  I was tired.  I did not want to do that. 

I decided on Uber.  Except, it did not work.  So I sat there in the airport near the taxi stand crying.  I was so tired.  I was hungry.  I was angry and frustrated.  I did not want to be there yet I had no easy way to get out of there.  So I cried instead.  And then my credit card company called and said my card was locked.  Fuck me.  I got a hold of Mom.  Was gonna take the metro to her.  Except the machines to buy tickets were not accepting any cards.  I was well and truly fucked and stranded at the airport.  I waited an hour for mom to get me.  Then rode the train 1.5h and walked 0.5-0.75mi to dad's facility, with all my luggage.  Fuck my life.  The day sucked ass.  I did not want to see him.  I wanted to eat and rest.

I was snarky.  Dad woke up a bit and a little bit of me left at that moment.  The look on his face was not recognition of me.  It was blank.  He looked so frail.  And blank.  He was all skull and eyes.  I told him Hi and he rested again.  Mom and I schlepped back to the metro to ride to tour an apartment in the area.  I will admit.  That apartment building was amazing!  That part of St. Paul was also amazing.  It now ranks higher than Minneapolis as a pretty awesome city.  Then we went to the hotel to check in.  By now, I was beyond hangry and despondent.  I took my frustration out on Mom.  I called my sister to vent.

We finally ate.  Then Mom asked if I wanted to go see dad and get our luggage.  I told her what I thought about the situation.  How upset I was.  Mom finally cried.  She finally told me how she felt about the situation.  She finally told me why Dad is still alive.  And it breaks my heart and makes me so very angry.  Mom visited with an elder care attorney and associates.  They went to her home and listened to her story.  Since Dad never had a living will or an advanced care directive, the state requires that he stay alive.  And that the family must pay for that care.  And that if the family cannot afford it, the state liquidates their assets, looking back five years.  Which means divorcing dad would be useless and not protect the assets.  Any gifts mom gave over the past five years are considered income lost and count against her.  WTF.  How terrible.  Mom has no income because she is staying by my father's side...70 miles from her home.  She is living off her savings.  Soon, the 90days of Medicare will run out and my mom will have to pay the nursing home thousands upon thousands of dollars a month.  Fuck you, system.  Fuck. You. So. Hard.  I now have so much more respect for "Right to Die" states and laws.  Because what this state is doing to my family is cruel.  It not only prolongs my father's suffering.  But now it makes the suffering increased exponentially on the family of the dying.  Dying is now a massive burden.  Rather than celebrate life, families now worry how they will survive themselves.  What will their future look like while their assets are drained on a person with no hope of recovery.  What a terribly broken system.

I felt for mom then.  I did.  I saw her pain.  She did not want Dad to suffer any more either.  But she was powerless to do anything about it.  Other than be by his side and ease his mind as best she can.  To stand up for him when the medical care he is recieving is not up to par.  I visited Dad.  He was interactive.  He spoke when they put his valve in to talk.  His mind is mushy and details are not there as much.  He deflects questions from the staff that try to check his memory, but I know Dad.  I know he does not know the answers.  I feel for Dad.  I love Dad.  It makes me sad to see him there.  This skeletal body that holds the being that is my father.  This is my father.  And I love him.  Even in this state of deterioration.  Dad tries hard to stay awake and be interactive while I am there.  I show him photos of my recent adventures.

Mom gets her apartment.  I am both happy and sad for this.  I am also admittedly jealous of the apartment and its beautiful view of the Mississippi River and St Paul.  It is a good apartment for her.  The management took pity on mom and will furnish her with a bed and some other furniture so that she would not rely on an air mattress and boxes.  There is good in the world.

Then came Tuesday.  Election Day.  The Day of American Reckoning.  I had already submitted my absentee ballot weeks earlier.  My parents did the same.  We watched the states turn either red or blue.  We watched the outcome occur.  For lunch I had an amazing flight of vodkas (6 of them) at a Russian restuarant.  Mmmm, I forgot how yummy Russian food is.  Toured a Catholic cathedral near by as well.  Mom got word her and Dads dog was unable to get up and suffering by the dog sitter.  As we rode the metro to visit dad, my mom cried on the phone.  She called the vet to have him go to her house and end the dog's suffering.  Oh mom.  I am so so so sorry.  I wanted to take her pain away.  She had already been through so much.  And now she could not even be there for the death of her beloved dog that has been her companion and reminder of dad for all this time.  She said she would wait a few days to tell dad about the dog's death.

All in all, it was a good visit.  I am glad I went.  I had a good time, circumstances considered.  I hugged my dad.  Patted his head and told him how much I loved him.  Time to go to the airport (with my brand new Samsonite 10-yr warrantied Chewabacca patterned rolly luggage bag...since mine had broken on the way to MN). 

And I sit here and think, there is a new Star Wars film coming out in December.  I have never known a life without my father taking me to the latest film, or at least telling me all about it and asking me about it.  This will be the first time I may not have a father for a Star Wars film.  I wont be able to talk to him about the film and discuss the characters.  I know this is simple and a small thing.  But every time I see advertisements for the film, I think these thoughts.  And I mourn a bit on the inside.  My Dad will never leave that bed.  He will never go outside again or walk on his own.

When I found out the dog died, I reached out to my GORUCK community.  I asked those on a group for GRT dog owners to send photos of their dogs to my father.  And wished anyone that has a husky near by, if it could come visit.  A fellow GRT reached out and contacted a friend in the area who owns a husky.  She brought Hans the husky to visit my dad this week.  Mom broke the news to Dad earlier this week about Bear.  According to her, he has cried so much since.  Another GRT painted a husky statuette in the likes of Bear and sent it to Dad.  He cried when he got it.  I am so thankful for the goodness in this world.  For the woman of Hans who was able to let my dad see and pet another husky before he goes.  Thank you so much.  Truly.  I do not have enough words to describe my thanks.  I feel it so much on the inside and want it to be known that doing good in this world reaches far.

I love you, Dad and want you to be at peace.  I will watch all Star Wars films in your honor.  And make a point in life to dork out on each and every one...just like you have. :-)

Training, Training, Training

I continue to train.  And train.  And train some more.  My body has been telling me how unhappy it is with me at times.  I am learning to listen to my body.  The Horseman Training is much harder than I anticipated.  So I have modified it a bit.  And I have a confession, anything to do with cleans, squats, press or basically anything with a bar, scare the shit out of me.  I am afraid to do those things by myself.  And unfortunately, a lot of the Horseman training is based on using the bar...A LOT.  I wish I had a workout partner for the hours I work out.  I may have to modify my training times to see if I can have friends work out with me...somewhere.  More thought will have to go into this.

Nutrition.  Holy balls nutrition.  I truly suck at this.  A LOT.  I have gotten to the point that I avoid eating in order to avoid messing with my insulin and working out.  Instead, I need to learn to understand my body better.  Understand its needs and how it can synthesize and break down products.  With my increased activity, I need to cut back on my insulin intake.  Instead, I take too much and hours later my blood sugar crashes...while I am in the middle of a workout.

I am thankful that one of my coworkers is also a T1D and he is equally as active as me, if not more so.  He and I have talked and bounced ideas off of one another.  He advised eating at least 4h before I plan to work out so that my bolus insulin is not peaking while I am exercising.  He also recommended I read Think like a Pancreas by Gary Schneider (https://www.amazon.com/Think-Like-Pancreas-Practical-Insulin-Completely/dp/0738215147

Think Like a Pancreas: A Practical Guide to Managing ... www.amazon.com DiabetesMine.com, 2/21/12 “Think Like a Pancreas covers essentially anything and everything you’d need to know about living with diabetes.” About.com, 3/1/12

).  I will definitely look up this book and read it.  I told him of my frustrations in not finding an endocrinologist who understands a diabetic that exercises regularly and participates in back country, distance, endurance activities.  We both lamented on the fact that doctors we have interacted with have not shared their vast knowledge with us on diabetes, its effects on the body, current studies and products in the planning stages, with us.  Very frustrating.  So I shall take it upon myself to learn these things.

I was telling my coworker of my interest in the Continuous Blood Glucose Monitoring System.  He stated the FDA is working on a closed loop system with an insulin pump and a CGM that communicate with one another to adjust basal and bolus insulins as needed.  He stated they are programmed with a specific algorithm in order to act like a synthetic pancreas.  How awesome is that?!  I did learn that a CGM does not measure blood glucose in real time as I had previously thought.  Coworker advised it still has about a 20min lag and that it must be supplemented by our regular finger pricking systems to make sure the CGM is properly calibrated.

My blood sugars are embarrassingly abysmal.  WTF.  I had such good control for so long and then bam!  I kind of stopped caring as much.  And I can link it directly to all the issues I had earlier this year with my insurance refusing to renew any of my prescriptions and basically telling me they did not care about my health.  They cared about saving money.  And something in me switched.  If the people and companies that are supposed to care to keep me healthy don't, why should I?  I need to flip that switch back.  I need to have better control.  This is ridiculous.  There is a Facebook group for T1D GRTs.  One of the members mentioned the Fit with Diabetes Challenge.  Upon further investigation, I came across Dr. Sheri Colberg and her work with T1D athletes.  I shall definitely look into her works, especially, The Diabetic Athlete's Handbook (2009). 

After my Team RWB GORUCK Leadership Camp, I became truly inspired and wanted to become more involved in the leadership level of my local RWB Chapter.  I have been a member for almost 2 years now, but basically attended events and gave the leadership feedback, but had not been involved in the decision making, advertising process.  Well, you are now looking at the new Communications Director/Captain for Team RWB in the Treasure Valley.  Woooo!  I have so many ideas all the time.  Sometimes I cannot write them all down before I think of new or different ideas.  I am so excited!  My current project is assisting the Boise VA with their Veteran Stand Down event (http://www.va.gov/homeless/events.asp) later this month.  I got permission from my work place to ask for clothing donations for homeless veterans.  So far, after only a week of having the donation boxes in place, my coworkers have donated so many things!  I am so proud of my work place.  They truly are a great group of people.  And I helped spread the word of Team RWB to them as well.  Win!!

On Friday I tried one-arm push-ups for the first time in basically...ever.  Man, not easy stuff.  I admit that I started out merely doing the shoulder shrug.  Just moving my body and shoulder up and down rather than bracing my body weight totally on my one arm and bending it.  Eventually I did manage to bend my elbow a bit.  Progress!  Hey, progress is progress, no matter how incremental.  I'll take it.  Gives me a goal for the next time I do them.

I signed up for a 10K in February and a half marathon in March.  I would really like to participate in the Bataan Memorial Death March on March 19 at White Sands Missile Range, NM.   Who wants to be on my 5-person heavy-rated (i.e. wearing a 35lb ruck) civilian team for the 26 mile trek through sand dunes?  Anyone?  Anyone?  This would be perfect training for my GORUCK Heavy in May!  I need to continue mountain biking for as long as possible to keep it as a good form of cross training.  It saved me when I did the Race to Robie Creek earlier this year.  Fuck that was a hard half marathon.

I also tried on some shoes since a pair of mine are utterly thrashed.  I am usually a fan of Nike's because they tend to be more narrow in the ankle and have a higher arch.  But I have been wanting to try the Solomon Trail Crosses.  Glad I tried them on.  Hell no.  Shit rubs horribly against my right ankle.  My left ankle was fine.  I tried on the shoes after doing a 7mi ruck hike in the foothills.  So my feet were nice and swollen and I had 2 pairs of socks.  The shoe that I really liked was the Brooks Cascadia, size 9, WB.  Yes!!  Now I know what I need to save up for.

I feel like I am slacking as of late.  I am doing more weights than cardio.  I have never done this before and have measured my physical fitness levels based on cardio endurance and less on weight lifting abilities.  I am still searching for a healthy balance.  I will find it.  But it will take time.  I know that in addition to need to correct my nutrition issues, I need to address my sleep habits.  I need to go to bed earlier and sleep more to give my body more rest time.  All things I know I suck at currently.  And needed to get down on (proverbial) paper to remind myself of them.

Still handling Dad stuff.  Still alive.  Barely.  What a horrible situation.  And made worse by the family resorting to strife.  Yeesh.  Dying should bring families together.  Not tear them apart.  For my peace of mind, I do not think about it.  I have compartmentalised and distanced myself.  And it works for me.  I will be returning in Nov to see my parents.  But it will mostly be there for my mother.  My father is past needing me at this point.

And, just for shits and giggles because I find this gif hilarious...and do enjoy watching Game of Thrones- here you go.  Enjoy!

Team RWB GORUCK Leadership Camp: Complete!

This weekend I was lucky enough to be chosen to attend the Team RWB GORUCK Leadership Camp here in Boise, ID.  Members of RWB came from all over: North Dakota, Washington, Montana, California, Utah, Colorado, etc.  Some RWB members were in positions of leadership within their RWB communities and others were in the process of starting their own local area chapters.  And then there were members like me who are not titled in leadership positions, but take an active role in their RWB community.

I applied to attend the camp months ago and got notification of my acceptance while I was in MN attending to my dying father.  Receiving that email meant so much to me.  A lovely glimmer of happiness in a world of smothering sadness and darkness.  I remember being in the "Family" room at the hospital, crying by myself looking out the window overlooking the sluggishly flowing Mississippi River.  I looked at my email on my phone.  I read the email and the first lines were:

"Congratulations!

You’ve been selected to attend the RWB GORUCK Camp from Friday, Sept. 30th – Sunday, Oct 2nd! Time to strap up that ruck and move out with some Eagle Fire! No one rucks alone!  This camp is going to provide an unparalleled leadership experience and training, along with challenging your body mentally and physically. Your job is to enjoy the experience. Learn from the experience. Take your newfound knowledge and to be a leader in Team RWB. "

YESSSS! I smiled (pretty sure I squeed, too). Wiped my tears and headed to my father's hospital room and told everyone. I had been looking forward to camp for weeks. I read the Facebook group homework assignments. Did them. Watched the videos that were posted (one is in my previous blog post):

I took the character strengths test.  Apparently I am a creative, curious, hopeful person. :-)

The topic modules we went over and discussed were:
1 - What is an Eagle Leader
2 - Authentic Leadership
3 - Empathetic Leadership
4 - Genuine Leadership

For me, the word empathy has often been confused with sympathy.  It is important for me to separate the two and think of them differently.  And for both of them, I often dislike the terms.  I think of them as emotion-driven.  And I tend to dislike most things that are driven by emotion rather than logic.

We also discussed various leadership strategies.  Some of which foster distrust and others that foster trust.  There is a great Forbes Magazine article that touches on this topic.  On how to foster trust as a leader through some key components.  This quote from the article really rang true for me:

"Trust can’t be built overnight. It requires time, effort, diligence, and character. Inspiring trust is not slick or easy to fake. Trust is like a forest. It takes a long time to grow and can burn down with a just touch of carelessness."

As for authentic leadership.  Someone used the analogy of using our values like a lantern.  They are our guiding light in the darkness.  When we hold true to our values, we are being true to ourselves, and as an extension, to others.  And that is what makes someone authentic.

Camp started Friday evening and concluded Sunday afternoon.  We gathered at a local RWB member's farm to have a meet and greet and do our introductions.  I arrived late and extremely harried from work.  I found myself having a hard time concentrating or caring for much of the evening's activities.  I wanted to mingle more.  But I was still bothered by my work day.  I wrote on my "permission slip" that I gave myself permission not to think about work for the duration of camp.  I failed.  No matter how hard I tried to pay attention, my work day kept intruding in to my thoughts.

Sun set and we had a small fire.  It was dark.  I took this time to separate myself from the group and hang out on the outskirts with the volunteers (whom I knew and are friends with).  One of them, who has a much greater understanding of my job told me she would listen whenever I wanted to talk about it.  I thanked her.  And moved away and cried while the rest of the group mingled.  I wanted to erase those images and words from my mind of my work day.  But they stayed front and center for much of that evening.  And kept me awake for a while at night.

My roommate is a wonderful woman.  And she was not put off by my crass and piratey way of speaking.  We got along swell!  She trains triathletes in Colorado.  Makes up training plans for them and helps them accomplish their fitness goals.  Badass!  We talked about the importance of pooping and lubing up.  Insta-bonding of friendship right there. :-)

Roomies for life!  This is how roomie and I bonded.

The next morning we trekked to a local fitness center where we had classroom discussion on leadership and RWB values.  I was still distracted from work the day before and at times on the verge of tears.  I have taught myself that crying is a form of weakness.  Even though I know this to be incorrect, I get caught in that old way of thinking often.  There were many times I wanted to share my struggles, but I was also ashamed of myself for having those struggles.  Work rarely bothers me.  I keep it nice and compartmentalised and move on.  I discuss things with fellow coworkers, often times in a manner the public may view as crass or distant or inappropriate.  But that is how we release the stress of our job.  How we do not go crazy after time.  It is also how we bond and cement ourselves as a sort of family.  We understand what one other goes through much better than a general person off the street.  And it is this reason that I tend to prefer the company of veterans.  They often have a better understanding of this mindset.  And respect it.

And then we got to talking about rucking.  A GORUCK Cadre was at the camp and presented information on rucking, health and nutrition and proper packing and prep work for a GORUCK event.  I learned important key factors in hydration and nutrition:

• Pre-event: consume ~16oz water the night before an event.  And 15min before the event, consume 6-8oz of water.  Avoid carbonated and caffeinated beverages, and fruit juice.  Approx 3-4h before the event, consume a meal that contains ~60% carbs, 25% protein and 15% fat.  It should look like a rainbow.
• Event: consume 4-8oz of water every 15min or so.  When you feel thirst, quench it.  That is your body telling you it needs hydration.  Consume foods higher in salt (beef jerky, nuts).  There are also nutrition supplements such as gels, bars and tablets.
• Post-event: consume 24oz of water for every lb of body weight lost during the event for the next 12h.  Consume foods high in protein to promote muscle recover and boost the immune system.

Using electrolytes (such as Nuun tablets or ORS tablets) and carbohydrate replacements are important to consume during a longer event to help the body sustain itself and keep energy levels up.  Try to keep the water/tablet ratio correct, otherwise it may be not as effective.  Dehydration is often correlated to heat exhaustion/stroke.  

And then, it was time!  GORUCK Light time!  I was stoked.  I could not wait to share my passion of rucking with the members of our group.  Many of whom have never attended an event before and were nervous to do it.  Clarity set in for me.  I was in my element.  Exercise is my happy place.  The thoughts and images from work the day before vanished.  I now had a purpose.  And it was to ruck.  It was to help my fellow Eagles on the ruck.

We lined up and started out.  Those of use who were GRT veterans were there to help, participate and at times, observe the discussion more than chime in.  It was to give those that have never done an event, a chance to lead, speak up and recognise times when action and discussion was needed.  The GRT vets corralled and corrected to help the new ones understand better.  Rather than a standard PT Welcome Party, we did a 30-min AMRAP broken into five groups of five different stations.  Then we got in the Boise River (my favorite!!) and plunged our faces under water.  Then it was time to move on.

This past weekend was the anniversary of the Battle of Mogadishu.  GORUCK commemorates this event and its importance with an event called the Mog Mile.  So our Cadre also incorporated learnings from Mogadishu into our GORUCK event.  This meant that we practiced our buddy carries.  And, as a result, got to have a casualty carry for over half of our event.

I buddy carried my fellow Boise Eagles.  Both of which weighed neigh of much and were easy to carry around the park we were practicing in.  I felt bad for them when they had to carry me, who weighed much more than them.  I learned that it is no fun when your buddy carrying you decides to double time it and skip along.  Fuck me.  That shit hurts with bony shoulders bouncing against your inner thigh.  You also feel like you're going to fall at any moment.  Balance and trust.  Great exercise in both.

We started out as an 8-person litter carry of our casualty.  We rucked it up to Castle Rock near Table Rock.  Which meant a steep rocky, dusty single track trail with crumbling edges and scraggly itchy sharp dried out plants on either side.  Eventually common sense took over and we realised it would be easier to Fireman carry our casualty on the trail.  It put less strain on the body of everyone, made the group to carry smaller and was more efficient overall.  So rather than 8 carriers, we now had 3 who could be rotated out more easily when needed.

We rucked it up that damn incline and made it to a very scenic vista.  Time to rest.  Talk about Mogadishu and the sacrifice the soldiers made that day to help each other out.  And take photos.  Then it was time to ruck off the promontory and back down...while carrying our casualty.  I volunteered to carry for much of that time.  I wanted the additional challenge of carrying him to push me harder and work myself more.  I do not like simply rucking without carrying an additional load.  I feel that I am not working hard and could be doing more.

We picked up a fallen tree along the way.  It was very light weight and easy to handle compared to previous fallen trees I've had to carry in past events.  But I had to keep reminding myself that this event is not a standard GORUCK.  It is to build leaders and push people who do not know rucking past their level of comfort and introduce them to something that builds team and leaders.

When we got to Endex, we got to do the oh-so-lovely Tunnel of Love and then the inch worm push up.  At the very end, we had to hold the push up ready position for the duration of the Ballad of the Green Berets.  Yup.  I was going great throughout the event until that point.  Man.  How disappointing.  I rested much more than I would have liked.  I definitely need to work on my should/wrist endurance before my next event.

Unbeknownst to us listening to the song, the volunteers were placing our GORUCK Light patches on our rucks.  Then we lined up and got our RWB GORUCK Camp patches.  Fuck yeah!  We all did it together!  And everyone did it with such a good attitude.  What a great group of people.  Some learned some important lessons, like battle buddies.  You never go anywhere alone.  Always have your battle buddy with you.  And mentioning if something was not so bad.  Yup.  Cadre is gonna make it harder later for that comment.

It was dark by the time we finished.  And the local (my) RWB chapter had spent the past few hours preparing our post-ruck dinner.  Mmmmm, so much protein.  Meat of all varieties.  And so fucking delicious!  Fuck yes!  We enjoyed eating by the light of our headlamps at the Municipal Park near Zoo Boise and the Greenbelt.  Good on the RWB camp organisers for that meal.  It was stupendous.  Then we walked back to the hotel.  Cleaned up.  Bonded and went to bed.

Sunday morning we got up early for yoga.  It felt more like Zumba Yoga, which was quite interesting.  I definitely got a bit of a workout in.  It was not something I had ever done before in that manner.  I was amused by watching and hearing my fellow camp mates attempt some of the poses.  I by no means was successful at them either.

We did some more discussions on leadership.  Reflecting on the differences between genuine and authentic leadership.  And discussing empathetic leadership.  We had a fantastic discussion.  People interpreted things differently.  And we did Devil's advocate on other statements.  People listened actively and participated in a mature and eager manner.  It was such a relief to be in such an open-minded communicative learning atmosphere.  Where people want to be there.  They want to learn and share and express and debate.  I wish we had more of that in our lives.  Rather than attack and deride.

Then it was time to go our separate ways.  I was a bit bummed for the weekend events to be ending.  I was having such a good time with the people I met and interacted with.  I am so proud of my local RWB Chapter for getting involved and helping out and making the camp be as effective and organised as possible.  And I am so thankful for the camp organisers who put it all together.  Who spent the time, resources and money to make it flow seamlessly.  It was a very professionally done event.  One that I recommend to anyone involved in the RWB community and feels a passion to be more involved and wanting to make a bigger difference in their community, both for RWB and their every day lives.

The GORUCK event helped clear my head.  I do not mull on the events of work.  I had my meditative Zen moments and reached peace within myself.  And I got to share it with others.  I certainly hope some of them get what I do out of challenging your body.  Pushing it to work harder and the amazing rewards of accomplishing something you were not sure you could do.  This is one of the main reasons I do GORUCK.  I feel like I am a better person both personally and as a part of a community after I participate in an event.  The bonding you can do with others at an event is a wonderful thing.  I have made many friends through my rucking experiences.  And now that I have gained more insight how to be a better leader, I hope to share my passion for exercise and rucking to others and help them reach mindful clarity and hopefully peace and happiness as well.

And then, of course after we left the hotel, my Eagle friend and I had to go out and continue to better ourselves and help me prepare for my GORUCK Heavy next year.  So we, along with another friend, went for a 9mi hike in the foothills.  It was actually quite nice.  It kept me from getting stiff during the day.  Well..  That is, until we finished hiking and I could hardly move, hahaha!  Oh well.  I gotta get my rucking miles in and might as well start now.  The Cadre for the event this weekend advising me to concentrate on my 12-mile ruck march to make sure I keep it under the 3h30m time cut off and monitor my foot care  before and after I practice those marches.  Good to know.  Foot care.  Yus!

Leading and Inspiring! Step One...

Step One: Admitting you are powerless over "XXX".

I refuse to admit to step one.  I refuse to say that I am powerless to being fit and taking care of myself (mind AND body).  I realise that the traditional 12-step program is geared more for traditional addictions: AA, NA, GA, SA, etc.  So, let's start over.  Let's start from the beginning.

What is your Why?

I was told to think about this and have an answer in anticipation of the RWB GORUCK Leadership Camp I was selected to attend this coming weekend.  And I admit that I have been excited ever since I found out I was going. I got the news while I was with my father.  It was much needed uplifting news for me during a dark and depressing time.  I hold tight to those happy moments when it seems like the brightness is dimming in my world.

Moving on.  When I first read that question I did not really understand it.  First of all, grammatically, it is an atrociously structured sentence.  But if you take it apart and look at each piece of it:

• What: as a noun, it is defined as "the true nature or identity of something, or the sum of its characteristics."
• Is: verb "3rd person singular present indicative of be."
• Your: pronoun "a form of the possessive case of you used as an attributive adjective."
• Why: adverb/conjunction "for what reason, cause or purpose."

I realise that probably did not help much for some of you.  But for me, it did.  I spent too much time looking at the whole sentence and getting stuck.  I mulled over things and came up with some bulleted points for discussion:

• How do you define yourself?
• By your looks?
• By your job(s)?
• By your hobbies/activities?
• By your friends/family?
• By your experiences/history?
• How well do you think you know someone?
• Media portrayal (news print, news video, TV shows, etc.)?
• Social media?
• Gossip and/or word of mouth?

But still none of these was the answer.  They were merely things to consider when developing your answer.  How do I define myself?  It depends on the time of day you ask.  It depends on whom I am around and the activity I am engaged in.  Or at least that is what I originally thought.  The definition of me is not a static thing.  But it also has a center to it.  A core.  A part of me that has and is always there.  It is just that sometimes that core gets covered up by a mantle, a protective layer that is cooler and can have varying degrees of thickness.  The core is always there.  I just need to tap into it to realise who the real me is.  What are my constants:

• Female: and damn proud of it
• Type 1 diabetic: nothing is gonna hold me back!  (Well, except for the FAA not letting me be a commercial pilot.  Sometimes you gotta pick and choose your battles.)
• Athlete: I have always been an athlete.  It just took me until adulthood to find what activities made me happy being active.  I learned that organised sports are not my thing.  Neither are unisex activities.  Or basketball.  At all.

Those are the three things that I always come back to.  Not where I grew up or where I currently live.  Not the color of my skin or my education level.  I usually include my job type in there, too.  Because it is something I am proud of.  As are the original three things I listed.  My life experiences have impacted and further defined me.  But I refuse to let negative events in my life define me.  They are merely challenges to overcome, work through and learn from.  Sometimes they suck.  A LOT!  And sometimes they take much.  The pay off may be years down the road.  

Example:  Why do I continue to work a job that does not pay me enough to survive on?  A job that often times causes me to cry when I get home from the frustration of the bureaucracy involved in it?  A job that is oftentimes demonised by today's modern society?  A job that causes me physical pain at times?  A job that I am rarely thanked for or recognised for?

Simple:  Because I love it.  I love what I do.  I love making a difference to my community.  To the people and living things within my community.  I love my coworkers.  Each and every one.  I often run scenarios through my head of in case a coworker was injured or threatened at work.  And I would not hesitate to provide aid to them, even if it mean injury to myself as well.  My coworkers are my family.  And I love them.  As a single person (who loves being single BTW) whose nearest blood relative is almost 2,000mi away, my coworkers have become my surrogate family.  I love that even after almost seven years at my job, I still love it as much as when I started it.  Every day is different.  My office is my patrol vehicle and the city in which I work.  I am outside every day, rain or shine,

 sleet or wind, scorching heat or sub zero temps.  I love it.  It makes me happy (most of the time).

Why would I want to leave that?  A job that mentally and physically challenges me.  A job that makes me better at both.  A job that I get to set my standards and continue to break them and set the bar higher...

Wait a minute.  Am I beginning to answer my original question?  Is this my "Why"?  Yes.  Yes I am.  I then googled "What is your Why" and I found one of the most inspirational videos I have ever seen in my life.  

My "why" does wake me up in the morning.  I wake up early on my work days to work out.  There are days I do not want to wake.  I went to bed too late.  I am tired.  No.  Not acceptable.  Because if I give in that one time, what will prevent me from giving in the next time and the time after that?  And then where will I be?  Unhappy.  My true happy place is exercising and being out in nature.  Doing both is a near holy experience for me.  My "why" is to better myself.  To set goals before me, and doing all that I can to reach them, crush them and set the goddamned bar higher to crush them again.  My "why" is to be an example for others.  To inspire them.  To show them it can be done.  Sometimes (fuck, who are we kidding, most of the time...) down the rough road.  Going down the easy road in life is not for me.  I do not want an easy life.  I want a life full of challenges.  Full of accomplishments and adventures.  I want to be able to say "I did that."  And say it with pride.  I want to be able to see those barriers and know that I overcame them.  You're female?  Yeah, so what?  I can still do it.  I may have to modify my track to get there, but I will get there one way or another.

I am not a fast person by any means.  My body is built more like a sherpa.  I do not have to cross that finish line first.  I just have to cross that finish line.  And if I did not cross the line, I want to know I did all that I could to get there and learn from that experience so that I can cross it in the future.

I see the goals others have accomplished and I tell myself: I want to do that.  I want to reach that goal, too.  Or, I want to be like that person.  I want to be as motivated as him/her in that task (or tasks).  I see them and they inspire me.  I want to be able to do that for others.  And right now, as well as for many years, that group I really want to inspire are diabetics.  Why set your goals in life so low?  Be what you want to be.  Fuck boundaries.  You re-set those boundaries and keep moving them as you accomplish more and more.

And now, I get to the entire point of this looooong post.  Sorry.  I get so damn wordy at times.  The words.  They just flow and I cannot seem to stop them at times.

I decided after the Seattle 9/11 GORUCK events that I wanted to set my bar higher.  I wanted to do a Heavy.  I trained hard for one at the end of 2015 to do one in May 2016, but an injury caused me to put those plans on hold.  And another injury caused me to miss participating in the MLK GORUCK event in DC in Jan 2016.  This time 'round, I am going to take much better care of my body.  I am going to work in nutrition.  I am going to monitor my blood sugars much more closely.  I am going to incorporate my GP Doctor who specialises in First Responders and an Endocrinologist I have been in contact with in Seattle.

I applied to get my entry fee for the Heavy sponsored.  And fuck me, I was accepted!  Holy mother balls fuck sauce!  Me?  The organisation is called Live for a Living.  Huh.  Crazy.  That is also my mantra in life.  And the two people that currently run it are two people I have followed on the webs for a bit.  Crazy!  One of them is a woman who completed a GORUCK HTL (Heavy-Tough-Light) event for the San Fran 9/11 this month.  She blogged about it.  My mind was blown.  I was further inspired.  Damn.  What a freaking badass monster woman.  I wanna be like her!  The other is a man who I first heard about back in April 2016.  The Barkley Marathons.  If you have never heard of them.  Google it now.  Just. Do. It.  This man did the event...as a guide runner for a blind runner.  He has done a slew of other adventure races/events, but that is the one that always stands out in my mind.  Fucking inspirational as shit.  Both of them.

Live for a Living is first a philosophy. An idea that we can experience greater life fulfillment when we follow our passions and put people and experiences first.

So.  Come May 2017, I will be in Washington DC for Memorial Day weekend.  I will be doing a GORUCK Heavy!  I got this shit!  First day of officially training starts 10/01/16 with the Horseman workout plan.  Pathfinder 010 starts in November.  I will supplement it with regular bouts of snowshowing and hopefully renew my membership to the rock climbing gym.  I got this shit.  I can do it!  Here is my profile entry on the Live for a Living website.  Fuck yes!

If I am ever flagging in my training.  I will come back to this post to inspire myself.  I got this shit.  I can do it.

Sheepdogs and Sheep

I attended a few hours of training today during work.  The training is called, Sheepdog Seminars:Building a Community of Leaders who are Called to Protect Others.

I have grown in my profession knowing the analogy of the sheepdog.  It is something law enforcement types hold strongly to and associate with as a group and individuals.  The analogy was brought to our attention by Lt. Col Dave Grossman (Ret.) in his book On Combat, written after the 9/11 attacks in 2001.  In the book, he describes the analogy as:

"If you have no capacity for violence then you are a healthy productive citizen: a sheep. If you have a capacity for violence and no empathy for your fellow citizens, then you have defined an aggressive sociopath—a wolf. But what if you have a capacity for violence, and a deep love for your fellow citizens? Then you are a sheepdog, a warrior, someone who is walking the hero’s path. "

Grossman was one of the speakers at the training I attended.  I could only stay for the first half, due to needing to get back on the street and respond to calls for service.  The training was hosted by a local church and it was aimed primarily at church-going people.  It did not hide this fact.  Part of the advertisement on the training was that it would discuss violence at places of worship and how church-goers can be better prepared for impending violence, both at places of worship, and in their every day lives.  Here is a quote from their website:

""We have now documented over 622 violent deaths on church and faith based property since 1999. In addition, thousands of sex crimes have occurred on church and faith-based property. We beg you, we plead with you - in tears - for the sake of your precious flock, do something before the enemy strikes your people. Do not fall prey to the mentality of the people in Amos's day, who said: "Nothing bad will happen to us" (Amos 9:10)"

I learned a lot while there.  But I admit a certain level of discomfort I feel when I am in a church.  I feel that I am intruding in a place saved for those who worship God.  And by worship, I mean in whatever accepted way that church has defined it as in the larger mass religion sense of the word.  So while I am inside, I feel that I cannot be the real me.  That the person I am is not acceptable and I must modify myself in order to be there.  I do not know why I think and behave this way.  Perhaps it is because of the sour disapproving looks I get from church goers when I am me.  And, as a result, it leaves a sour taste in my mind for how closed minded people at church can be rather than accepting, i.e. not hypocritical.

Anyway, the training.  It felt like a fire and brimstone sort of sermon. The end of days is approaching and are you ready?! I learned about mass shootings, i.e. massacres from all over the world and that the U.S. does not have the worst ones in recent history.  Here is a brief list of the ones mentioned at the training (I will not type out the terrorist's names, they do not deserve to have their names recorded or ever spoken of again):

• Norway 2011:   Regjeringskvartalet and Workers' Youth League (AUF)-run summer camp (77 died by one man that day)

• Germany 2009: Winnenden school shooting (16 died by a minor-aged person)

• Germany 2002: Erfurt school shooting (18 died by a single shooter)

• Russia 2004: Beslan school massacre (330+ died by multiple organised terrorists, some of which escaped)

• Pakistan 2014: Peshwar school massacre (145 died by multiple organised terrorists)

That is just a small list of the much longer list of massacre violent events in recent human history that were discussed.  Granted, some were discussed in more detail.  With maps of the buildings, locations of killers and the response of military and first responders to the incidents, as well as the national government's immediate reaction.

After listening to stories like this for hours, it can begin to gnaw at you a bit.  I found the incidents to be both horrifying and interesting.  Things to learn from in order to better prepare ourselves and to try to understand the reason for the incidents in the first place.  Grossman stated that today, the upcoming generation is so saturated with media (TV shows, movies and video games) that espouses violence and desensitizes death, including making law enforcement out to be the evil/bad/antagonist so often that they have lost their way.  That they do not understand the importance of life versus death and the impact of violence upon others.

Now I have heard this argument many times.  Especially growing up when rap music was on the upswing and conservative politicians and groups claimed that bad words made our youth do bad things.  And that TV shows had to have a rating system in order to prevent children from viewing violence.  After doing a Google search on violent video games, I came across this interesting article published in Time Magazine.  It stated, 

"..the American Psychological Association (APA) has joined the debate, arguing in a research review that playing violent games is linked to aggression, but that there’s insufficient evidence to link the games to actual criminal violence."

As a person that does not play video games at all.  Yep, you heard me.  At all.  They simply hold no interest for me.  Why would I want to play something on a screen inside a building when I could be reading a book, or, even better, outside playing and interacting with my spiritual happy place- NATURE!  Therefore, I cannot confirm or deny how video games impact a person's violent and/or aggressive nature.  Most of my friends do not play video games either.  And those that do, do not spend much time on them.  My personal opinion is that they are a waste of time and cause people to be lazy, stagnant and anti-nature.  But that is my own personal opinion.  And, as we all know, opinions are not facts.  And they may not be right.

Some more Googling of violence in the media and impact on youth came up with the following:

• The Impact of Media Violence on Children and Adolescents (by the American Academy of Children & Adolescent Psychiatry)

• Violence in the Media (published in Psychiatric Times. 2012)

• Citation for: "The Myth of Violence" by Trend, David. 2007.

And so on.  

I honestly have not done much research on the topic.  I know, based on my personal experiences with the public while at work, I have noticed a shift in our culture.  People seem to expect law enforcement to work wonders.  As if when you call for help, and when the police arrive, your problem will be magically solved.  Proof!  Solved.  Done.  Police in the movies do it so fast.  So why cannot the ones in real life do it, too?  What?!  You mean if I call the police for a problem, I may actually have to take action myself?  What?!  I may have to take responsibility for my actions and have consequences for them?!  Inconceivable!!  Yes, media.  Thank you for distorting how people think the law enforcement world really works.  Here are some perfect examples of fucked up police perceptions:

• CSI TV shows.  Fuck no CSI shit does not happen like that or that damn fast.

• NCIS TV show:  Really?  Really?  Do I need to say more?

• James Patterson books

• Any film on LE other than "End of Watch"...and even parts of that were not quite right

I am tired.  So very tired.  Of having my profession attacked.  Of being told to be guilty because of the color of my skin.  Do I think their is systemic racism in the American culture.  Sure.  Do I think the solution is violence and beating down everyone because of it?  Nope.  Was I raised in a privileged white middle class manner with two caring and loving parents that provided for me and attempted to have me experience as much that life can offer?  Yes.  Do I feel guilty for it?  No.  Should I?  Why should I?  Instead of beating everyone down.  Why don't we build everyone up?  Why don't we offer solutions that do not involve violence.  That do not involve killing others?

*sigh*  I am just tired.  I want to move to a cabin in the woods far away from all this vitriol.  Away from people.  I want to be in nature at peace.

There are times I feel caught.  I have friends that are very conservative in their views.  And I have friends that are very liberal in their views.  After having lived in Idaho for years and working the profession I do, my views have changed over time.  And now I feel caught in my thought process since I see both sides of the argument for a variety of issues:

• Should we arm our teachers in anticipation of a school massacre? (And by arm I mean a tool to harm an intruder: OC, taser, gun, etc.)
• Should everyone have equal access to guns and be allowed to carry them openly and/or concealed?
• Do we stand for the Star Spangled Banner or take a knee?
• Do we let refugees from the Middle East areas in scott free or do we attempt to check for terrorists?

And so on.  Since these are all deep topics and I have no intention of sharing my opinion on any of them.  Let us end with a smile on our face: