Life upates on Dad

Well, a lot has happened since my last post, which I forgot to share on Facebook.  It has been a month.  And boy howdy, what a busy time it has been. 

I flew to Portland for a GORUCK Halloween Tough and hang out with a friend that moved to the area over the summer.  I worked.  Then I flew to MN to see my parents and check on dad and help out mom.  Then I worked...for eight days straight.  Yes, eight days.  Which means, as of today, I worked 80h+ in a row.  Fuck me.  I am tired as shit.  So tired in fact, that this will most likely be a shitty post and not cover everything I want to cover.

Portland:
Flew in after work on a Thursday.  Hung out at friend's house Friday.  Developed migraine that progressively got worse and worse.  Went out to dinner.  Stopped at REI to pick up supplies the Cadre required at the last minute (dick).  Drove around downtown Portland, nearly peed myself while waiting to find parking spot.  Stopped at Powell's books.  Bought a book on diabetic athletes (yay!), which, of course, was on the top damned shelf and not easy to find.  Desperately tried to get cash back everywhere we went so that I could have the required $20 cash for the event.  Fucked.  Never did get it.  Only had $10.  Meanwhile, migraine kept getting worse.  Worse to the point I was getting vertigo and had been naseated for hours.  I called it.  I was miserable.  Went to friend's house and drank wine instead.  I am satisfied with my choice and do not regret it.

The next 3 days were spent hiking all over S Washington and the Mount Hood area.  Fucking fantastic.  I hiked about 20-25mi in those three days and had a wonderful time.  Sat Oct 29, my friend and I wore our Halloween costumes while hiking near Mount Hood to a beautiful waterfall.  Good times.

I wore my costume to the Portland airport and flew home wearing it.  Yup.  I'm badass.

Worked 4 days.  Then flew out ass fuck early the next day off to go to MN.  I was pissed.  I did not want to go to MN.  I felt obligated to go.  Mom subtly asked and I went.  I was angry at mom.  Why didn't she choose to end dad's suffering?  Why keep him alive while he wastes away to nothing and suffer and become something...something frail.  I did not want to see Dad.  He should have been somewhere peaceful and not suffering.  Not some sub-par nursing home far from home causing mom to commute at 0400h and not work or earn an income to be by his side almost every day.  Why?  I was angry.  And then I got to MSP airport and was stumped.  Now what?  Mom leaves her car near home and takes a train to the Twin Cities and then hops on the metro to commute places.  I was tired.  I did not want to do that. 

I decided on Uber.  Except, it did not work.  So I sat there in the airport near the taxi stand crying.  I was so tired.  I was hungry.  I was angry and frustrated.  I did not want to be there yet I had no easy way to get out of there.  So I cried instead.  And then my credit card company called and said my card was locked.  Fuck me.  I got a hold of Mom.  Was gonna take the metro to her.  Except the machines to buy tickets were not accepting any cards.  I was well and truly fucked and stranded at the airport.  I waited an hour for mom to get me.  Then rode the train 1.5h and walked 0.5-0.75mi to dad's facility, with all my luggage.  Fuck my life.  The day sucked ass.  I did not want to see him.  I wanted to eat and rest.

I was snarky.  Dad woke up a bit and a little bit of me left at that moment.  The look on his face was not recognition of me.  It was blank.  He looked so frail.  And blank.  He was all skull and eyes.  I told him Hi and he rested again.  Mom and I schlepped back to the metro to ride to tour an apartment in the area.  I will admit.  That apartment building was amazing!  That part of St. Paul was also amazing.  It now ranks higher than Minneapolis as a pretty awesome city.  Then we went to the hotel to check in.  By now, I was beyond hangry and despondent.  I took my frustration out on Mom.  I called my sister to vent.

We finally ate.  Then Mom asked if I wanted to go see dad and get our luggage.  I told her what I thought about the situation.  How upset I was.  Mom finally cried.  She finally told me how she felt about the situation.  She finally told me why Dad is still alive.  And it breaks my heart and makes me so very angry.  Mom visited with an elder care attorney and associates.  They went to her home and listened to her story.  Since Dad never had a living will or an advanced care directive, the state requires that he stay alive.  And that the family must pay for that care.  And that if the family cannot afford it, the state liquidates their assets, looking back five years.  Which means divorcing dad would be useless and not protect the assets.  Any gifts mom gave over the past five years are considered income lost and count against her.  WTF.  How terrible.  Mom has no income because she is staying by my father's side...70 miles from her home.  She is living off her savings.  Soon, the 90days of Medicare will run out and my mom will have to pay the nursing home thousands upon thousands of dollars a month.  Fuck you, system.  Fuck. You. So. Hard.  I now have so much more respect for "Right to Die" states and laws.  Because what this state is doing to my family is cruel.  It not only prolongs my father's suffering.  But now it makes the suffering increased exponentially on the family of the dying.  Dying is now a massive burden.  Rather than celebrate life, families now worry how they will survive themselves.  What will their future look like while their assets are drained on a person with no hope of recovery.  What a terribly broken system.

I felt for mom then.  I did.  I saw her pain.  She did not want Dad to suffer any more either.  But she was powerless to do anything about it.  Other than be by his side and ease his mind as best she can.  To stand up for him when the medical care he is recieving is not up to par.  I visited Dad.  He was interactive.  He spoke when they put his valve in to talk.  His mind is mushy and details are not there as much.  He deflects questions from the staff that try to check his memory, but I know Dad.  I know he does not know the answers.  I feel for Dad.  I love Dad.  It makes me sad to see him there.  This skeletal body that holds the being that is my father.  This is my father.  And I love him.  Even in this state of deterioration.  Dad tries hard to stay awake and be interactive while I am there.  I show him photos of my recent adventures.

Mom gets her apartment.  I am both happy and sad for this.  I am also admittedly jealous of the apartment and its beautiful view of the Mississippi River and St Paul.  It is a good apartment for her.  The management took pity on mom and will furnish her with a bed and some other furniture so that she would not rely on an air mattress and boxes.  There is good in the world.

Then came Tuesday.  Election Day.  The Day of American Reckoning.  I had already submitted my absentee ballot weeks earlier.  My parents did the same.  We watched the states turn either red or blue.  We watched the outcome occur.  For lunch I had an amazing flight of vodkas (6 of them) at a Russian restuarant.  Mmmm, I forgot how yummy Russian food is.  Toured a Catholic cathedral near by as well.  Mom got word her and Dads dog was unable to get up and suffering by the dog sitter.  As we rode the metro to visit dad, my mom cried on the phone.  She called the vet to have him go to her house and end the dog's suffering.  Oh mom.  I am so so so sorry.  I wanted to take her pain away.  She had already been through so much.  And now she could not even be there for the death of her beloved dog that has been her companion and reminder of dad for all this time.  She said she would wait a few days to tell dad about the dog's death.

All in all, it was a good visit.  I am glad I went.  I had a good time, circumstances considered.  I hugged my dad.  Patted his head and told him how much I loved him.  Time to go to the airport (with my brand new Samsonite 10-yr warrantied Chewabacca patterned rolly luggage bag...since mine had broken on the way to MN). 

And I sit here and think, there is a new Star Wars film coming out in December.  I have never known a life without my father taking me to the latest film, or at least telling me all about it and asking me about it.  This will be the first time I may not have a father for a Star Wars film.  I wont be able to talk to him about the film and discuss the characters.  I know this is simple and a small thing.  But every time I see advertisements for the film, I think these thoughts.  And I mourn a bit on the inside.  My Dad will never leave that bed.  He will never go outside again or walk on his own.

When I found out the dog died, I reached out to my GORUCK community.  I asked those on a group for GRT dog owners to send photos of their dogs to my father.  And wished anyone that has a husky near by, if it could come visit.  A fellow GRT reached out and contacted a friend in the area who owns a husky.  She brought Hans the husky to visit my dad this week.  Mom broke the news to Dad earlier this week about Bear.  According to her, he has cried so much since.  Another GRT painted a husky statuette in the likes of Bear and sent it to Dad.  He cried when he got it.  I am so thankful for the goodness in this world.  For the woman of Hans who was able to let my dad see and pet another husky before he goes.  Thank you so much.  Truly.  I do not have enough words to describe my thanks.  I feel it so much on the inside and want it to be known that doing good in this world reaches far.

I love you, Dad and want you to be at peace.  I will watch all Star Wars films in your honor.  And make a point in life to dork out on each and every one...just like you have. :-)