I refuse to admit to step one. I refuse to say that I am powerless to being fit and taking care of myself (mind AND body). I realise that the traditional 12-step program is geared more for traditional addictions: AA, NA, GA, SA, etc. So, let's start over. Let's start from the beginning.
What is your Why?
I was told to think about this and have an answer in anticipation of the RWB GORUCK Leadership Camp I was selected to attend this coming weekend. And I admit that I have been excited ever since I found out I was going. I got the news while I was with my father. It was much needed uplifting news for me during a dark and depressing time. I hold tight to those happy moments when it seems like the brightness is dimming in my world.
Moving on. When I first read that question I did not really understand it. First of all, grammatically, it is an atrociously structured sentence. But if you take it apart and look at each piece of it:
- What: as a noun, it is defined as "the true nature or identity of something, or the sum of its characteristics."
- Is: verb "3rd person singular present indicative of be."
- Your: pronoun "a form of the possessive case of you used as an attributive adjective."
- Why: adverb/conjunction "for what reason, cause or purpose."
I realise that probably did not help much for some of you. But for me, it did. I spent too much time looking at the whole sentence and getting stuck. I mulled over things and came up with some bulleted points for discussion:
- How do you define yourself?
- By your looks?
- By your job(s)?
- By your hobbies/activities?
- By your friends/family?
- By your experiences/history?
- How well do you think you know someone?
- Media portrayal (news print, news video, TV shows, etc.)?
- Social media?
- Gossip and/or word of mouth?
But still none of these was the answer. They were merely things to consider when developing your answer. How do I define myself? It depends on the time of day you ask. It depends on whom I am around and the activity I am engaged in. Or at least that is what I originally thought. The definition of me is not a static thing. But it also has a center to it. A core. A part of me that has and is always there. It is just that sometimes that core gets covered up by a mantle, a protective layer that is cooler and can have varying degrees of thickness. The core is always there. I just need to tap into it to realise who the real me is. What are my constants:
- Female: and damn proud of it
- Type 1 diabetic: nothing is gonna hold me back! (Well, except for the FAA not letting me be a commercial pilot. Sometimes you gotta pick and choose your battles.)
- Athlete: I have always been an athlete. It just took me until adulthood to find what activities made me happy being active. I learned that organised sports are not my thing. Neither are unisex activities. Or basketball. At all.
Those are the three things that I always come back to. Not where I grew up or where I currently live. Not the color of my skin or my education level. I usually include my job type in there, too. Because it is something I am proud of. As are the original three things I listed. My life experiences have impacted and further defined me. But I refuse to let negative events in my life define me. They are merely challenges to overcome, work through and learn from. Sometimes they suck. A LOT! And sometimes they take much. The pay off may be years down the road.
Example: Why do I continue to work a job that does not pay me enough to survive on? A job that often times causes me to cry when I get home from the frustration of the bureaucracy involved in it? A job that is oftentimes demonised by today's modern society? A job that causes me physical pain at times? A job that I am rarely thanked for or recognised for?
Simple: Because I love it. I love what I do. I love making a difference to my community. To the people and living things within my community. I love my coworkers. Each and every one. I often run scenarios through my head of in case a coworker was injured or threatened at work. And I would not hesitate to provide aid to them, even if it mean injury to myself as well. My coworkers are my family. And I love them. As a single person (who loves being single BTW) whose nearest blood relative is almost 2,000mi away, my coworkers have become my surrogate family. I love that even after almost seven years at my job, I still love it as much as when I started it. Every day is different. My office is my patrol vehicle and the city in which I work. I am outside every day, rain or shine,
sleet or wind, scorching heat or sub zero temps. I love it. It makes me happy (most of the time).
Why would I want to leave that? A job that mentally and physically challenges me. A job that makes me better at both. A job that I get to set my standards and continue to break them and set the bar higher...
Wait a minute. Am I beginning to answer my original question? Is this my "Why"? Yes. Yes I am. I then googled "What is your Why" and I found one of the most inspirational videos I have ever seen in my life.
My "why" does wake me up in the morning. I wake up early on my work days to work out. There are days I do not want to wake. I went to bed too late. I am tired. No. Not acceptable. Because if I give in that one time, what will prevent me from giving in the next time and the time after that? And then where will I be? Unhappy. My true happy place is exercising and being out in nature. Doing both is a near holy experience for me. My "why" is to better myself. To set goals before me, and doing all that I can to reach them, crush them and set the goddamned bar higher to crush them again. My "why" is to be an example for others. To inspire them. To show them it can be done. Sometimes (fuck, who are we kidding, most of the time...) down the rough road. Going down the easy road in life is not for me. I do not want an easy life. I want a life full of challenges. Full of accomplishments and adventures. I want to be able to say "I did that." And say it with pride. I want to be able to see those barriers and know that I overcame them. You're female? Yeah, so what? I can still do it. I may have to modify my track to get there, but I will get there one way or another.
I am not a fast person by any means. My body is built more like a sherpa. I do not have to cross that finish line first. I just have to cross that finish line. And if I did not cross the line, I want to know I did all that I could to get there and learn from that experience so that I can cross it in the future.
I see the goals others have accomplished and I tell myself: I want to do that. I want to reach that goal, too. Or, I want to be like that person. I want to be as motivated as him/her in that task (or tasks). I see them and they inspire me. I want to be able to do that for others. And right now, as well as for many years, that group I really want to inspire are diabetics. Why set your goals in life so low? Be what you want to be. Fuck boundaries. You re-set those boundaries and keep moving them as you accomplish more and more.
And now, I get to the entire point of this looooong post. Sorry. I get so damn wordy at times. The words. They just flow and I cannot seem to stop them at times.
I decided after the Seattle 9/11 GORUCK events that I wanted to set my bar higher. I wanted to do a Heavy. I trained hard for one at the end of 2015 to do one in May 2016, but an injury caused me to put those plans on hold. And another injury caused me to miss participating in the MLK GORUCK event in DC in Jan 2016. This time 'round, I am going to take much better care of my body. I am going to work in nutrition. I am going to monitor my blood sugars much more closely. I am going to incorporate my GP Doctor who specialises in First Responders and an Endocrinologist I have been in contact with in Seattle.
I applied to get my entry fee for the Heavy sponsored. And fuck me, I was accepted! Holy mother balls fuck sauce! Me? The organisation is called Live for a Living. Huh. Crazy. That is also my mantra in life. And the two people that currently run it are two people I have followed on the webs for a bit. Crazy! One of them is a woman who completed a GORUCK HTL (Heavy-Tough-Light) event for the San Fran 9/11 this month. She blogged about it. My mind was blown. I was further inspired. Damn. What a freaking badass monster woman. I wanna be like her! The other is a man who I first heard about back in April 2016. The Barkley Marathons. If you have never heard of them. Google it now. Just. Do. It. This man did the event...as a guide runner for a blind runner. He has done a slew of other adventure races/events, but that is the one that always stands out in my mind. Fucking inspirational as shit. Both of them.
Live for a Living is first a philosophy. An idea that we can experience greater life fulfillment when we follow our passions and put people and experiences first.
So. Come May 2017, I will be in Washington DC for Memorial Day weekend. I will be doing a GORUCK Heavy! I got this shit! First day of officially training starts 10/01/16 with the Horseman workout plan. Pathfinder 010 starts in November. I will supplement it with regular bouts of snowshowing and hopefully renew my membership to the rock climbing gym. I got this shit. I can do it! Here is my profile entry on the Live for a Living website. Fuck yes!
If I am ever flagging in my training. I will come back to this post to inspire myself. I got this shit. I can do it.
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