Hokay. Mid-holiday week. Eeeee! This also means it is my birthday week. I honestly am not excited for it. Not because of aging. That does not bother me. More because life lately has been sort of meh. I have gotten back on the working out bandwagon, which makes me happy. But other things in life that are completely out of my control add that constant back ground stress. Those things out of our control.
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| Me fucking around Xmas eve with my ipad photo settings. Look! Sleeping dogs! |
I miss my Jeep terribly. And I know that the at-fault driver insurance should be paying (reimbursing) me for my rental. But that does not ease the fact that it is still money out of my pocket until I get paid back. I wish money was not so important in this world. It is by far my #1 stressor in life. And that is mostly due to my lack of it. But I know hundreds of thousands of Americans can commiserate with me on that problem. No matter how hard some of us work in life, we will always be in debt. We will never not be budgeting and possibly being in the red each month. That is the American way of life. And I think it is terribly wrong. Sometimes I regret my choice of college. Rather than a DIII small liberal arts college, I sometimes wish I went to a DI giant state school that would have been cheaper and had more class opportunities. Simply so that I would not be so far behind in life in the adult financial world. But these are not things they teach you in K-12 school- being an adult is hard. Ha!
Apparently Carrie Fisher died today. She had a heart attack a few days ago. Dead at 60yr old. My Facebook feed has blown up regarding her death. Some even posted links explaining how and why she died. Why? I did not know her? I feel sharing such information is invasive to her personal life and family. Why does the public, people who never knew her, need to know the details of her death? Strange gossip-drama driving society that we live in. I honestly do not care. People die. It happens. It impacts those close to that person greatly in ways those of us who did not know that person never will. Death is an intimate thing. And my family is getting very intimate with that process.
Dad has lasted much longer than any of us ever thought he would. And, to be frank, this is not a good thing. To continually watch someone turn into a ghost of the person they once were. The term to be dead yet alive fits his situation. He is a corpse kept alive by machines. I do not love him any less than before. It just makes it harder to watch. The process of my Dad’s downward spiral to eventual death has not been a good one for my family. Rather than bring extended family together, this process has glaringly pointed out the deficiencies within the extended family. I was never close to anyone in my family other than my immediate family. I rarely saw anyone else (heck, I rarely see my own). And thus they fit into the term “family” very loosely and hold no great value to me. Little more than a stranger in passing for the most part. I feel no sense of loss at this. It is simply the way it is. People that have not spent time in my life do not get to be front and center in it. My friends and coworkers are my family. They are my support group. I love them.
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| Roomie got me the husky as a gift. I gave it to Dad for Xmas. He LOVES it. |
2017 is looking to start out busy as shit. Especially January. My schedule will go something like this:
2nd week: teach mini academy class at work. Court to testify. Dad stuff.
3rd week: Dog sit.
4th week: Job interview with command staff (eeeeekkk!!), physical test, polygraph, etc. (if I pass, then look for housing and relocating). More Dad stuff (his b-day time).
Note: 3 of those events will be out of state. Which means I need to fly at least 3 round trips. Did I mention my credit cards are still maxed out since the money from my holiday check had to be spent on fixing my Jeep and getting new tires? Blargy blarg. January is my cause of stress. I know I will get through it. But I am dreading and looking forward to a variety of things. But the part of me that is excited feels guilty for that excitement due to the other stuff, which is definitely not exciting. I need to not guilt myself for being happy at things, even if in the midst of unhappy things.
//end rant. I just needed to vent that. It has been truly stressing me out. I’ve been keeping it in, not wanting to share it much. But every time I see some stupid post about Carrie Fisher, I get irritated all over again. *breathe* I must remind myself to take a step back. Breathe. Namaste that shit. Yeah. I’m gonna Namaste the shit out of those thoughts. I feel better already. J
I’m resourceful. I will figure it out. I always do. Sometimes I think having a blog is such a selfish exhibitionist type of thing. Me sharing my thoughts with the world. Am I sharing them for me- to get them out and express them? Or am I sharing them to impress others and show them how amaze-balls I am? Hmmmm, I think, if I am honest with myself, it is a bit of both. Yup. Me. The exhibitionist. BWHAHAHAHA! No no, wait. The Namaste’d Exhibitionist of thoughts. Yeah. I like the sound of that one better.
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| Toby dog squirrel-watching on Xmas day at friend's house. |
So, Christmas. Yep. I worked it. This was my sixth Christmas I have worked. It was pretty good. I ended up with OT, too. Balls, we have so much snow! It is great!
Working on death arrangements and memorials is no easy task. I am proud of Mom willing to work on this when it must be so hard. Dad loved his children. I could tell when I went off to college, he did not like being an empty-nester. He loves the company of young adults. He especially loved giving women/girls the same opportunities as men/boys. I recall in my youth, Dad fighting and working so hard to get sporting programs for my sister and I to participate in at our local community. He got together with other parents of our friends and started an AAU (Amateur Athletic Union) league for girls in basketball. He loved working on it every season. Holding try-outs. Hiring coaches. Planning tournaments and all the detail work involved in that. My parents attended every single one of my sporting events when I was in school. Every. Single. One. Even the away games that were a 3h one-way drive. They made it. Mom kept stats of the games and they filled us (my sister or I) in on how we performed in the game and what we did well or needed improving. Dad loved sports. Adored them. But he ultimately adored watching my sister or I participating in sports.
In that thread, my family would like to start a scholarship type fund in Dad's name to help girls/women participate in basketball in my hometown community. I know much research will need to be done for this. As I do not know anything about starting a fund. Raising funds. Determining applicants and the criteria for the person(s) to receive the funds. So, if any of my friends are familiar with this process, your input would be much appreciated. I want my father's name to live on in what he was passionate about and continue to help girls who love sports in the town I grew up and he lived most of his life. So, Dad, I'm gonna go out and do something awesome. And that is to carry on your name to make a difference in more little girls lives who aspire to be athletic badasses. :-)
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