Preparing

This is a follow up to my previous post on "Processing Dying".

As I type this, Dad is still among the living.  Not in good shape by any means.  And to remain private, I will not get into any particulars.

We did get news today that I already knew to be true.  But finally hearing it from his primary doctor handling his case was very hard to hear and deal with.  It also puts an even bigger strain on my already strained family.  I just keep reminding myself of the term: "Death  is easy.  Dying is the hard part."  This is so fucking true.

Why, as a society, do we not talk about death?  Yes, we see it all the time in the news, on our Facebook feeds, in movies, books and video games.  But do we actually "see" it?  Do we experience it and share those experiences with others?  Why is this such a taboo subject?  Following my posts on this blog that I place on Facebook, I have gotten so many responses from friends who could relate in some way.  Of those friends, how many of you have shared your stories with many others?  We need to talk about death and dying more.  It happens to everyone.  This should not come as a shock.  Granted, it happens much sooner or suddenly than planned for some than for others.

I tell myself that I understand dying is a part of the circle of life (enter Lion King theme music here) and that when it comes, it will come.  But as I go through this process, I also realise that on some level, I am afraid of death.  I know part of it is the unknown: will it hurt?  will I suffer?  What comes next, if anything?  But I think these are questions many humans have when it comes to thinking of death.  So why is it so scary?  More questions that come to mind, now that I am witnessing this process first hand is: When the time comes, will I be able to make the decision?  Will I have all my "ducks in a row"?  Will I have accomplished the things I wanted to accomplish in life?  Will I leave things undone/unseen/unexperienced?

I try to live my life as if it were my last.  That is why I go out and adventure as often as I do.  No time like the present.  I want to make sure that if I lay somewhere dying, I have accomplished things I am proud of.  That I have done things in my life that make me smile and know I have lead a fulfilling life.  That I may not have accomplished all my goals, but at least I died trying to have fun and enjoy the life I have.

Now Friends, this next part some may not be able to handle yet.  It may seem invasive.  But please, I write this with all honesty and experience learned from my family's current situation.  I write this to help you process dying (of whomever) in a much easier way.

1. If you do not have a living will/advance directive yet, go make one.  Right.  Now.  No, do not wait till later.  Do not even finish reading my blog post.  Go do it now.  This is VERY important.  Not only for yourself, but for those that love you.  Let me tell you, it puts ENORMOUS strain on a family when there is no will in place and those decisions need to be made and the family does not agree on all variety of plans of action.  Save your loved ones this strain.  Write out your medical and post-life wishes.  Make it clear.  Make copies of your living will.  Let your loved ones know where they can find copies.

Here are some links to living wills from a brief google search:

Caring Info: look up your state's form
Do your own Will.com
Estate Law: will template
Mayo Clinic: explains will vs advance directive
American Bar Assoc: explains care directive options

2. Keep all of your life info in one place.  Things such as: passport, social security card, birth/marriage certificates, mortgage/loan paperwork, lien paperwork, car/home titles, 4th grade report cards, etc.  Let someone you trust, may it be family, friend, lawyer, whoever, know where that stuff is stored (safety deposit box, lock box, etc.).

3.  Be aware at some point, shit may hit the fan.  And part of that shit is you being unable to make decisions for yourself.  This may include choosing to live or die.  Be aware that this decision, when passed on to others, is extremely difficult for them to handle.  So make sure to tell those that you love, that you love them often...in whatever form that is (word, gift, written, etc.).  I realise everyone shows their love differently.  Do not judge others for their differences from you.

4. Wherever you have things stored: retirement, banks, places you pay dues to- clarify with those companies what their polices are if anything happens to you.  Does someone need a Power of Attorney?  Does someone need your Death Certificate?  Can names be added without your consent?  How can permissions be added?  How are decisions made without you present?

5.  Technology.  It is everywhere.  Write down locations (websites) where you have an account (of any type).  Record your user name and password for all those accounts.  Add that list to your "in a safe place" list from Point #2.  Useful links:

PC Mag: Getting organised passing on PW
Computer Hope

6. Post death preparations.  Record them.  What do you want done with your body?  Are you a donor?  What kind of funeral do you want?  Who is paying for it?  Do these arrangements.  Buy your plot of land and headstone.  Write down what you want said on your piece of rock to mark your gravesite.  What kind of food to you want served?  Flowers?  What do you want done with your shit after you die?  Write the damn will already.

I have also had some ideas come to me while processing this.

Idea #1: this hospital, of which I have spent much time in, has very few, if any pro-active lifestyle things in it.  There are no stairways accessible to walk.  Must use elevators.  There are no places to walk without getting hopelessly lost, or in a narrow corridor conducive to maintaining a speed walk pace.  Outside is fairly miserable with the humidity index almost the same as the air temp outside.  Or monstrous storms raging outside.

There are a lot of organisations for the dying.  And for the family, in terms of palliative care.  Religious stuff.  Basically stuff for the emotions and mind.  But what about the body?  I feel that family members of terminal patients are under tremendous stress.  Yet are there any programs out there to help them take their mind off the situation by getting them to be physically active?  Active in whatever way they are comfortable with: walking, jogging, swimming, crossfit, weight lifting rucking, kayaking, etc.  I think it would be great to have a core group of local people that come to take the family, especially family from out of town, out to do an hour or so of physical activity.  Talk if you want.  Or just listen to the music on your headphones and be quiet.  Does not matter.  What I do know is that I went for a 6mi run yesterday.  I looped from the hospital to one bridge, crossed the river, across the river/hospital and down to another bridge to come back to where I started.  And it was wonderful.  It let me reset.  It gave me my Zen time that was so badly needed.

Idea #2: Proud GORUCK Parent.  We need these in sticker or patch form.  I would love to present one to Dad.  He is so proud of my GORUCK achievements.  He tells anyone that will listen about me doing them.  I think it would be a nice gift to parents that are proud of their offspring's physical endurance achievements.

Edit: I forgot to add a note to people who work with the medical field:

If you work with or around terminal patients, please look fully at their chart before talking to them.  Please see if their chart indicates length of time assumed that they will be alive.  Please look and see if the chances of them going home are zero.  Please look to see if their condition WILL NOT get better.  Please do not set unrealistic goals for that patient.  And please, for all that is holy to you, DO NOT GIVE THEM A FALSE SENSE OF HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Because do you know what happens when you do those things?  Even if in an effort to be nice and you think you are helping, you may not be.  You may, in fact, be doing horrible damage.  And then it is left to the family to try to undo the damage done.  And you know what, if you are dealing with someone who has dementia, the damage is done.  It cannot be undone.  That false sense of hope that was given, is that much more a burden the family must bear.  And they are already handling a mighty heavy burden.

So please, do not say things before looking at the chart and consulting the family to see what their wishes are.  It hurts so terribly much to have come to a decision among the family.  A very hard decision.  To have come to terms with the decision.  And then come back the next day to have the decision changed.  To have that peace ripped from you.  To slowly watch the person you live get worse and worse with no chance of getting better.  Yet that person holds on to some false hope someone told them, thinking there is a chance to get better and go home.

Shame on you, to whomever did this.  Shame. On. You.