Being a Woman in a Man's World

Mmmhmmm, that girl is...poy-zon! --> Bell Biv DeVoe

Love me songs from the late 80s/early 90s.  It is a music language that speaks to me.  So many memories.  Which is strange, since I have few memories associated with music within the last 5-10 years.  Weird.

Hannibal is going to have a mini rant about misogynistic society today.

I work in an environment that is predominantly male.  I learned from previous jobs that I do not usually work too well is female-dominated environments.  Apparently my Type A personality can be construed as threatening to women who have a lower self-esteem than I.  Crazy.  I know.

Anyway, I really like where I work and the environment in which I work.  My coworkers are like family to me.  Emphasis on family.  I care very much for them and would be there for them when needed.  That's what families do and are for.  This is even more true for me as a person whose nearest blood family member are over 1,500mi away and I see them maybe once a year.  I have no children.  I have no significant other.  This means that I transfer my sense of family from life outside of work, to my coworkers.  We work together in a high stress environment that is often misconstrued by others who are not in the same line of work.  We stand together as a (mostly) united front.  We vent to each other.  We support each other.  We are awesome.

Many of my coworkers seem to have many similar interests as me outside of work.  They hang out with each other and do those interesting things together.  Every now and then I hang out with them or one of them.  But this is a very rare instance.  I'm not quite sure I understand why.  I have some theories:

• Wives.  Dudes with wives don't like their "man" hanging out with single chicks one on one.  Especially doing something badass like hiking mountains, kayaking or fixing rigs.
• Dudes.  Dudes with wives are too afraid to hang out with super awesome single chicks because...well, I'm not sure.
• Bromance.  Cool bro activities are simply that.  Activities for bros.  No girls allowed.  Permitting a girl to tag along will cause the whole structure to come tumbling down.  Anarchy will ensue.

I am not sure if any of the above listed reasons are truly valid.  But either way, I am sad about it.  It seems like no matter how hard I try to be a peer to my male counterparts, I am still...lower/not equal/not good enough.  And if I am truthful with myself, it does bother me and makes me feel isolated and sad.  I know I am an awesome person with pretty awesome interests.  I even offer to do cool things with them with genuine interest.  And, of course, never taken up on the offer.  Instead, they move on to their bro buddy and talk about the exact thing I just offered!  ARGH!

Do I have cooties?  Is there some unwritten rule that I am not cool enough to hang out with?  Are vaginas that are single and not overly hot looking not allowed to hang out, too?

Now let us come full circle and address the top theory: wives.  

Dear Wives of my coworkers:

Your husband is my coworker.  He is a member of my work family.  I have absolutely ZERO interest in doing anything with him sexually.  I do not fantasize about him and I gallivanting off to some romantic getaway.  He is like a brother to me.  Such thoughts my make stomach heave in a not pleasant manner.  One does not make out, have sex or even visualise one's brother in those ways.  Ew.  I hold myself to high moral standards and one of my most important standards is: NEVER EVER be a homewrecker.  Know what that means?  I refuse to have any romantic or sexual type relationship with a married person.  EVER.  I have held true to this standard and plan to keep to it till the day I die.  One of my other mantras is to never dip my pen in the company ink pot.  That is recipe for disaster as far as I am concerned.

So, please, Wife, give me the common decency to trust me.  And please, give your husband the decency to trust him, too.

Trustfully yours, 

Hannibal- the most badass chick you'll ever meet

I just do not understand.  I do not mull over it too much.  I have come to accept it for what it is. But I would by lying if I did not get a pang of jealousy when I hear about my coworkers tell tales about hanging out doing things I love to do and invite each other along, but not extend the invite to me, too.  I'll get over it.  I always do.  But it is just a reminder how I am not yet considered an equal in their eyes, whether they recognise the impact of their behavior or not.

Point of Clarification

Bonjour mes amis!

It was brought to my attention that my description of my current and future living conditions are somewhat confusing to those not in the "know."  Therefore, I shall try to clarify this as best I can while not invading people's privacy.

Story:

Hannibal met Bonnie.  Hannibal and Bonnie became instant friends.  Their shared interests and distaste of most of man-kind sealed their friendship.  Hannibal and Bonnie were tired of where they were living and the exorbitant cost of renting a home.  Finding a rental that would accept Panda was also a problem.  Therefore, purchasing a home seemed to be the best course of action.  House found.  House purchased.

Fast forward.  Bonnie meets Clyde (which happened due to the awesomeness of Hannibal, tehehe).  Bonnie and Clyde are a match made in Heaven.  Hannibal approves of Clyde, which, let's face it, is what really counts. *smirk*  Not to mention, Clyde understands the process of appeasing the roommate God(dess) and does a fantastic job of it.  Bonnie and Clyde want to spend their life together.  Unfortunately, Hannibal and its attachment to the house is in the way of this.  Solution?  Refinance and quit deed!  Problem?  Waiting for the loan to mature to be able to do this.  Solution? Hannibal moves out (with contract between everyone) into travel trailer to begin dream of having Tiny Home and Clyde et al. move in.  Everyone happy.  Families created, curmudgeons appeased. *fingers crossed*

Clear as mud?

Mr Skellington posted this to me today and I thought it quite appropriate.  Brought a smile to my face since it really is so very true.  The ecard posted above was posted by another friend.  I love that my friends understand my curmudgeonry so well and still love me for it, hahaha!

I have a quick rant I wanted to share with all of you oh-so-lovely people:

Please, for the love of whatever you hold dear, please, change lanes to get away and give people and emergency vehicles space on the shoulders to work and do what they need to do safely.  

This is one of my all-time biggest pet peeves.  When people are so GD ignorant to not give people space on the shoulder.  I challenge every single one of you out there to stand on the side of the interstate trying to do your job and help others with vehicles less than ten feet away from you blowing by at 60mph+.  It is rattling to say the least.  Stressful.  So, give them a brake and move away.  A few seconds of being slower is better than vehicular manslaughter and the label of being the ultimate DB for the rest of your life.  Fucker.

Live long and prosper.

--Miss you Mr. Spock

"You have beautiful eyes"

I need to start a new goal for myself.  I need to think positive thoughts on a more regular basis.  Sometimes I dwell too much on some negative thoughts, which then begin to fester away at me.  I need to think of some key word to remind myself when I fall into that negative Nelly habit. Blargh.

Amusing moment of the day.  I am a member of one online dating website.  I personally have never had good dating experience online and thus only go on there sparingly.  I realised my photos were a bit out of date.  And, well, since I'm a curmudgeon, I deleted most of them since I do not want most people to message me based solely on my photos.  I uploaded a photo.  The one posted a few posts back with me taking a rucking selfie with the Jeep and Panda in the background.  Note: I am wearing sunglasses in that photo.

I then receive a message shortly thereafter by the lovely "SamplerMT".  His message asks me how my week is going and "you have beautiful eyes by the way."  ?!?!?!?!  Whu..?  Did he seriously just tell me that?  He just used one of the most despised pick up lines ever on me....and clearly lied about it since you CANNOT SEE MY FUCKING EYES!  *sigh*  And there you have it, Kids.  Reason #A LOT why I am still single.  *facepalm*

Here, maybe this video will give you hope for the future.  I know it does for me.

As a single person in a society that does not look overly favourably on people of my status, I tend to be the third wheel in a many of my social interactions.  The vast majority of the people I know and associate with are in a relationship of some sort- either dating or married.  This gives me a unique opportunity to observe these various relationship interactions, both with each other and with me.  It allows me to see things that I agree with and/or appreciate and hope for in my future relationship(s).  It also gives me the ability to see things I do not necessarily like and/or agree with and hope to avoid in my future relationship(s).  I mentally compile a list of pros and cons in the hopes of trying to remember these things.  Since I can have pretty severe "blonde" moments, perhaps it would benefit myself to keep an ongoing list of my observations somewhere....like here. :-)  But since I am now tired and want to watch SVU, I'll rain check that shit and do it later...

Strong Women (and other peeps)

I saw this article today on my Facebook feed.  I read it.  And loved it.  Everything about it described me.  And it made me feel wholesome.  No.  Not wholesome.  It made me realise there are others out there just like me.  My sisters in awesomehood.

The article: "15 Things All Badass, Fearless Alpha-Women Do Differently From Other Types of Women."

This one is for you Mom and Dad.  For raising such an awesome daughter into such a strong-willed self assured independent-minded woman. :-)

Speaking of inspirational.  Another badass mothafucker I recently discovered is Derek Weida.  Once again, I'd like to thank my Facebook feed for showing his page to me.  I do not know a whole lot about the guy.  His "personal info" section on his profile says: "I'm Derek Weida. Wounded Veteran, former Paratrooper from the 82nd Airborne Division. Three words guide my new life: Engage, Encourage, and Empower. I'm just here to bring a little fun and motivation to what can sometimes be a really shitty fucking world. Let's have fun, let's lift some weights, and then we can all eat ice cream."  Now he is a workout machine! (Photo c/o his FB page)

The quote on his page is priceless and my own personal mantra in life:

"A little motivation, a little inspiration, and a whole lot of not giving a fuck."

Granted, being the eternally positive minded-person I am...I'd probably want to junk punch him if I ever met him.  But that's OK.  That's what FB is for- bridging the gap and permitting people not to engage in human face-to-face interactions, one news feed at a time.  It makes the world a happier place.

Although, I do have to add this here, since I'm being all honest and shit...

The picture fails to list a whole plethora of other attributes.  But at least it's a start.

Here is my badass mantra.  Live your life.  Be the best you that you can be.  Stop worrying about what others care and/or think.  Be happy with who you are.  And, if nothing else fails, go 300/Spartan on their ass.

I found another race that I am interested in participating in.  The Bruneau Beast in June.  Looks fun.  I just may sign up for it, among many others with my kickass Rucking team. :-)

Fifty Shades of "Laters, Baby"

Today, after a rousting bout of kayaking on a local lake and having a lovely battle with the wind and currents, I went to see Fifty Shades of Grey with some friends (all female, mind you).

Prior to the film, we met for lunch.  I drank a bit too much.  Apparently, I can be a cheap date.  I get pretty tipsy after 1.5 pints of IPA.  I impressed myself.  Glad I didn't drool or snooze through the film.  Although, I did have to run out for a potty break, and, of course, miss a nice sex scene.  *sigh*

Now, to discuss the film, book and various perceptions of the story in general.

Opinions are like assholes: The majority of the human population has at least one.  I am not ashamed to admit I have the entire trilogy of books.  I read every one.  I read the first one twice.  I even took a break while reading it to, well, entertain myself.  Yup.  I said it.  So what?  That is the purpose of the first book.  Let's keep in mind, the series is the invention of the author, just like most works of fiction.  Let's say that again, F-I-C-T-I-O-N.  Not only fiction, but in the smutty romance genre.  I have read FAR WORSE smutty fiction.  FAR MORE humiliating, violent, demeaning and disturbing smut fiction.  Why is such a raucous being made about this particular series?  Because it is popular.  It has reached mass marketing of mass marketing.

Now, I must admit, from my perspective, the book series got gradually worse (e.g. more boring), the more mainstream the relationship between the man and woman became.  The more the story line began to emphasize marriage and children, I lost interest.  Why?  Because I have no interest in either of those things.  I do not aspire to meet a man, fall madly in love, sign over the rest of my life and financials and pop out a few dumplings.  Nope.  Not for me.  Not a single fantasy of mine has involved any of those things.

What did I like about the first book?  Sex, of course.  Lots of it.  With a man depicted as a great googgly moogly Adonis.  Not to mention being filthy rich and seeming to have a fairly decent choice in vehicles.  Although, if we're honest with each other, I'd be more interested if he had a Bolwer Wildcat and went on rally runs rather than gliding.  Or if he drove an Aston Martin V12 Vanquish rather than an Audi R8.  But, let's face it, I'm not your standard "female reader."  I pay attention to those details.  Not the height of her heels or brand of her dress and purse.  Seriously?  Who gives a fuck?  They're clothes.  BOOOOOOORING.

I do like the following quote from the book:

“Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. Perhaps I've spent too long in the company of my literary romantic heroes, and consequently my ideals and expectations are far too high.” 

Hannibal response- I'm not an overly romantic gal.  I would like to have some in my life.  But I believe my thorough lack of finding a person to be romantic with, much less letting a penis get near my vagina, is due to my high level of expectation.  I have been single for so long that the idea of not being single is strange to me.  I am not against it.  Nope.  Not at all.  I have been single for so long, I'm not even sure what a penis looks like any more.  Sad.  Very sad.  Reason?  The owner of a penis must meet a rigorous set of guidelines in order to be exposed to me and thus be used by and for me.  So far, 95% of men I meet fall far short of those guidelines.  Therefore, no penis for this vag.  And this makes me incredibly sad (and fucking frustrated as shit....but we can save that for another blog post).  Therefore, reading books and watching a film called Fifty Shades of Grey, I find to be entertaining.  If I cannot have sex (due to the frightfully disappointing shortage of available men who are not crazy, have a full time job and are not intimidated by me), I might as well be entertained by reading and watching it.

And now, to end this post with things that make me wet and happy.  Mmmm, yes, more...more...MORE!

Fucking beautiful face.  I could gaze into that color for hours.  Thank you LR Defender for being such a work of art.  Look at that stance.  Imagine those 3-way adjustable Donerre dampers moving up and down, up and down, faster and slower as it moves over the uneven terrain.  Such a smooth dampened ride...

Dat backside.  Mmmmm, yeah, look at it.  So packed in there.  And look at that departure angle.  *heavy breathing*  Jey-zuz!

I just want to run my hands all over that body.  Look how smooth it is.  My eyes are just drawn to it.  I can hardly control myself.  I want to hear the sweet rumble of the 510hp 5.0 V8 supercharged engine from that Kazakh piece of machinery.  I want to feel the vibrations of each piece of the Sadev 6-speed sequential gear box fitted with a reduction gear working together.  Mmmm, yes.  I want all of it.

***And, to give credit where it is due, the photos of object of my affection is the Dakar Rally rig for Kazakhstan. --> See, no abuse here!

“He grabs me suddenly and yanks me up against him, one hand at my back holding me to him and the other fisting in my hair.

"You're one challenging woman," He kisses me, forcing my lips apart with his tongue, taking no prisoners. 

"It's taking all my self-control not to fuck you on the hood of this car, just to show you that you're mine, and if I want to buy you a fucking car, I'll buy you a fucking car," he growls.” 

Ok, now I need to find a man who is like that described above who wants to do that with me on the vehicle shown above. :-D  (titter teehee)

Asinine Drivers *le sigh*

Scenario:

You are driving on a 2-lane road.  Speed limit is 50mph.  The vehicle in front of you (lifted 1990s Ford F150 with loud exhaust) is going 10-15mph UNDER the speed limit.  You have been behind this vehicle for a couple of miles and they are simply not going to go any faster.  You go into oncoming lane (checked to make sure no one is coming toward you) to begin passing the slower vehicle.  The slower vehicle sees you and speeds up pacing you, leaving you stuck in the left (oncoming) lane.  So you speed up more, as does the slower vehicle.  You manage to squeeze in front of them and slow down to a reasonable speed.  Previously slower vehicle now tailgates you and puts on their brights.

FML, really people?  W. T. F.  I simply put on my cruise control and refused to play their stupid and dangerous game.  Oh, and guess what?  They shortly stopped tailgating me since apparently going 54mph was too fast for them.  Sometimes I wish I had a superpower to mentally wish harm upon others for their stupid actions.  I kid you not.  And when I mean harm, I mean karma occurring....like, right now.  BAM!  blow out a tire.  Or SPLAT!  Giant bald eagle shit smeared across your windshield.  Love me some karma like that.

Am I the only person who sees someone update their Facebook status with something like: "I'm preggo!" (or some more creative way of saying: I made a poor choice and am now going to suffer for the rest of my life) or "Just got engaged to my honey bunny!" and my immediate first thought is "My sympathies"?  And then the follow up thoughts are either: "Are you keeping it?" and "When is the divorce scheduled for?"

Pet peeve of mine?  When some chick births a crotch fruit and then brings it to work and (I swear to Goodness Goddess sake) ALL the women come cooing over wanting to fawn over the creature (which more closely resembles a mini Gollum and makes the sounds of an annoying kitten).  Thus the room is now full of cooing, ooing and aaaahing.  And the spawn is passed among people fighting to see and touch it.  W. T. F.  Ew.  No no no.  Keep it away from me.  It's ugly.  I'm afraid to touch it for fear of breaking it or it shitting on me or spitting or some freak accident of SIDS or some shit.

According to the Pope from an article on Boston.com, my life is basically meaningless and full of solitude.  The quote:

"Pope Francis said Jesus does not like marriages that are sterile by choice and such marriages end in solitude, according to Vatican Radio."

Actually, I think the Pope would keel over with a heart attack if he saw the life I live:

• Full of unmarried sex (*snort, full of?  yeah right.  In your dreams, Hannibal) for the purpose of pleasure and not procreation (ew)

• No life partner (yep, I totally said life partner)

• No plans to squeeze out any crotch dumplings or tie the knot

• Areligious (hmmm, maybe agnostic?  Fuck, I don't know)

• Living with men and women (all unmarried)

• Working on Sundays

• Curses

• Itches my crotch in public (or pulls out a wedgie)

• Never read the Bible or any Holy Scripture (unless in my Religions East and West course in college)

• Am a firm believer in choice

• Am a firm believer in everyone being created equal and deserve the same rights (unless someone commits a crime so atrocious that they no longer apply to human rights)

I'm sure the list could go on, but now I'm hungry and want to eat a cheeseburger with bacon and lettuce and tomato and stuff on it.  I wont.  I'm too lazy to buy the food and prepare it.  I'm also too stingy to spend money for a restaurant to make it for me.  So I'll just sit here being hungry instead.